Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been a retweet of one of the best tweets from long ago. Either way, these were the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Baseball sex metaphors:
1st Base: Kissing
2nd Base: Handsy kissing
3rd Base: Unknown
Grand Slam: Kissing at Denny’s
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) February 29, 2016
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
— orange rhymer (@orange_rhymer) February 16, 2016
When you left your stove on but don’t even know how it got turned on in the first place because you are a cat. pic.twitter.com/MmB7iuzGmG
— Little Jackie Paper (@Jackiethepaper) February 2, 2016
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
— Ally Gator M.D. (@notacroc) March 1, 2016
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.
Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
— Rain-Bo Bice (@Pro_Jones_) October 1, 2015
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
— Courtney Bae-l (@CourtneyBale) February 25, 2016
This Chris Christie video is perfect https://t.co/snhLeictre
— Rob Tornoe (@RobTornoe) March 2, 2016
Mom 1: there’s gonna be booze, are your breasts pumped?
Mom 2: shit I forgot *talking to tits* ARE YOU TWO READY TO PARTY?
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) February 28, 2016
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 11, 2016
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 25, 2016
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 24, 2015
Wow, the top contributors for Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders speaks volumes. pic.twitter.com/uQaHeTc3Du
— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 27, 2016
MOB BOSS: Tony betrayed us
UNDERLING: Should I whack him off?
MB: Haha no, just whack him
MB: Off him, yes
U: Whack him off
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) February 23, 2016
Our daughter would make a terrible Bachelorette. pic.twitter.com/f5vl5tmNvI
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) February 16, 2016
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
— venechuk bros (@thetits) February 8, 2016