Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some funny tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
— molly (@MollySneed) July 25, 2016
quick bedtime reminder that your life depends on your heart being able to beat steadily without stopping for several decades
— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 1, 2016
Mom: My kids used to give me *quite* the headache!
[sets down groceries]
Mom: That’s why I gave them away
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) August 2, 2016
My kids have a toy fire truck that says “help is on the way” and at night I sit in the dark and push the button to keep making it say that.
— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) October 23, 2013
Therapist: let’s look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser
Me: I didn’t say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 9, 2016
A fox fuckin eats you? I dunno man pic.twitter.com/c22YLPQs3e
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) July 31, 2016
If your Uber driver won’t play your Smash Mouth CD you can legally set his car on fire
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) July 27, 2016
Did you guys know that Will Smith made a fun rap song for “Suicide Squad” that the studio rejected for some reason? pic.twitter.com/2NkaNqaMfX
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) August 2, 2016
Each Trump speech you listen to Eternal Sunshines 5 books from your mind.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) August 3, 2016
*opening the internet* ah let’s see, who do I have to mindlessly hate to be considered “good” today
— (((maura quint))) (@behindyourback) August 2, 2016
dude you’re so close. the shirts are right there!!!! pic.twitter.com/Zso4NQzQ0H
— Lady Murderface (@itsa_talia) August 2, 2016
WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s on the news.
THERAPIST: Any truth to that?
ME: *shuffling papers* This just in, Karen is a goddamn liar.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 2, 2016
ME: Well, I said bye to someone but then we started walking in the same direction so I panicked and murdered them.
JUDGE: Case dismissed!
— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) July 30, 2016
Superman, lifting a 3000 ton locomotive: No problem
Superman, lifting the weight of my parents’ expectations: Wow is this kryptonite or
— ♡ Good Account ♡ (@SortaBad) July 30, 2016
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 16, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.