Being a 90s child was weird, songs about lithium and heroin and “sex type thing”s remind me of kindergarten
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) September 7, 2016
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 11, 2016
BREAKING: Usain Bolt Finishes Dead Last in the Backward Running Event pic.twitter.com/MyqIrtyGV4
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 15, 2016
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 7, 2016
*hits thumb with hammer*
*notices there are small, impressionable children nearby*
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) July 25, 2016
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2016
Rihanna: Ok let’s write this song. what else rhymes with “work”?
Drake: i wouldn’t worry about it
— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) September 13, 2016
When I want to buy something, first, I read a review, then another review, then eight more reviews, and then, just to be safe, I buy nothing
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 14, 2016
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
The old woman began a slow clap. “Bravo for once again not listening to me about the clams.” pic.twitter.com/Ea7GU3ev0C
— batkaren (@batkaren) May 11, 2016
BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered
— Noël Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) October 15, 2016
ME: [looking at a drawing my 5 year old made] wow that’s an awesome….. Shrek??
HER: DADDY! IT’S YOU!
ME: wow. ok seriously, fuck you
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 7, 2016
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
— tracer is a lesbian (@aplethoras) August 14, 2016
Matthew McConaughey: talk again soon
Andre 3000: alright
MM: alright alright alright
A 3k:alright alright alright alright alright
— mo (@chuuew) September 9, 2016
100% serious i just walked in my kitchen and my bird is sitting here like this. anyone wanna buy a bird cause im done pic.twitter.com/uu29A5wzea
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) October 20, 2016
this is my 1st time babysitting & idk where i went wrong but my niece is currently asleep on her head
do i call the parents or the exorcist pic.twitter.com/bGaTCFSiCz
— Mikaela Long (@MikaelaLong) October 9, 2016
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
— It’s Abbyule. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 6, 2016
RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign pic.twitter.com/XzNGLtSsyD
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 8, 2016
The best part of Kevin Hart’s wedding pic is him standing 10 feet in the foreground to be as tall as his wife. pic.twitter.com/EPAp3dtmms
— Travon Free (@Travon) August 14, 2016
Want some milk?
– Eww is it breast milk?
No no it comes from a 1500-pound animal with four stomachs
– Oh OK then, cool
— Jingle Bug (REW) (@therealeatwood) August 6, 2016
fucking roasted pic.twitter.com/mj6CS0mDz0
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) October 30, 2016
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
— opeimu (@iamopeimu) October 10, 2016
[leading childrens summer camp]
Me: if ur happy and u know it clap ur hands
*the kids clap while i stare at them blankly, arms crossed*
— rudy mustang (@roostermustache) June 1, 2016
My best friend and I pinky swore if we were still single at 75, we’d t e a r e a c h o t h e r l i m b f r o m l i m b
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 1, 2016
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 10, 2016