GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude— tater tot bros (@thetits) February 8, 2016
Congratulations on becoming a contestant on the Price is Right. Please, put on this clothing from 1979 and follow me.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) May 2, 2016
I like it when they put ‘the end’ after a movie, so that you know not to stay sat in your seat for the rest of your life.
— a skeleton head (@Death_Buddy) May 2, 2016
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
— Mat (@MatCro) April 17, 2016
Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) April 26, 2016
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) April 26, 2016
R.I.P. to my grandpa. He loved to grill, but he owed $ to Jabba the Hutt pic.twitter.com/YPoVZroXJp
— Craig (@craigrachel) April 25, 2016
My favorite diet strategy is to be so drunk that I drop my food, but not so drunk that I pick it back up and eat it.
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) April 17, 2016
it’s sad how seriously we’re taking stuff trump said 11 years ago. also a bunch of dead dudes said i could bring my shotgun into this kroger
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) October 8, 2016
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin— Wylde de Beest (@flashember) April 14, 2016
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds pic.twitter.com/U3CX3Gcb0V
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 10, 2016
Cashier: I hate being alone
Me: I know, every morning is a new hell
C: Usually they schedule a 2nd cashier
M: Yes that is what I meant also— Barndog (@BarndogKarck) April 8, 2016
Should I tell my mom that this posted to Facebook or… #GailedIt pic.twitter.com/PZ6OBs3zrK
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) April 8, 2016
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) April 7, 2016
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 6, 2016
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 3, 2016
Why are batman and superman fighting? Both people in the fight can’t be wearing capes. Then it just looks like that’s what the fight’s about
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) March 25, 2016
I bet when you’re old and bump into an acquaintance you think: “I’ll probably die before I see that person again.”
I’m gonna like that part.— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 22, 2016
Lawyer: Relax you’ll be fine. There’s no way the judge will be a expert in vegetable theft
*judge walks in*
Me: Shit pic.twitter.com/2M65kCBQub— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) March 21, 2016
2016: President Trump
2020: President Kanye
2024: President Marnie the dog— Julia Yorks (@juliayorks) March 21, 2016
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened— Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
Work tip: if you put googly eyes and your suit jacket on the office water cooler you can go home after lunch and no one will know
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) March 14, 2016
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 4, 2016
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*— Joyeux Bae-l (@CourtneyBale) February 25, 2016
Anaestheologist: count back from 100
Me:100,…,uh…,…
A:he’s out
*Dr starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise my innumeracy— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 16, 2016
If you need even more tweets after this, you can check out the entire collection of funny tweets right here.