Everyone has particularities — a specific way to do something. Most of the time, they don’t try to push their way on others, but in some circumstances, it becomes a problem.
One Redditor has a partner who has a very specific way of making coffee — which is fine — but he tries to impose his way on the OP.
The OP is frustrated about the continuous fights they keep having. Is this an example of someone just being inflexible or is it indicative of a red flag in the relationship?
“Weird title, I (23f) know, but this has been a point of contention for a while. My fiancé (25m) is a foodie and is extremely particular about a few things, one of them being coffee. We use a manual grinder, get distilled water (the water in our area is really hard and according to him affects the taste, but I don’t notice anything), and we have an Aeropress and a metal coffee filter to make the coffee. I’m very much not a foodie (unless being a Sour Patch Kids connoisseur is a thing). My fiancé weighs his coffee beans to make sure that he’s using the exact right amount, changes the setting on the coffee grinder depending on whether he’s using the Aeropress or the metal coffee filter, measures the water, and if he’s using the Aeropress lets the coffee grounds and water brew for a certain amount of time before actually making the coffee,” the OP writes.
“On the other hand, I use a scoop to measure my coffee beans, use whatever setting the grinder is on, will usually just use tap water, eyeball the water instead of measuring it, and don’t let it sit to brew. And y’know what? It’s fine. It tastes fine. It makes me happy. The end. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.”
“Problem is that this really bothers my fiance. We’ve had multiple arguments about me making my coffee wrong, and it’s very normal for him to badger me weigh my coffee beans or switch the coffee grinder to the optimal setting while I’m making my coffee. If I’m making coffee for him, sure, I’ll measure the beans and all of that jazz because I know that he can taste the difference, but I don’t think that I should have to jump through all of those hoops for something that doesn’t affect him. On the other hand, he seems to be really bothered by this.”
“Today, as I was trying to scoop coffee beans into the grinder, he reached around me to put the scale he uses in front of me and asked me to please weigh my coffee beans. I was really frustrated because we’ve had this conversation so many times, so I snapped the word ‘no’ at him, and he walked away and muttered ‘you, too,’ saying that even though I hadn’t said it, I’d definitely been thinking ‘f*ck you.’ For the record, I wasn’t thinking that. So AITA for not making coffee how my fiancé thinks I should and for sometimes snapping at him when he gets pushy about it?”
What did Redditors think? Is this a story that’s more about the couple than the coffee?
“NTA. Why should he care how YOU make YOUR coffee. He needs to distance himself from things that don’t affect him. Honestly, it would be like you telling him to stop weighing his coffee or using distilled water because since you can’t tell the difference, it bothers you that he can. Would he think that was reasonable,” asked
“NTA. I’d run for the hills. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life listening to that sh*t,” said
“Yeah, it’s one thing to be precise about making yourself coffee. Like, you do you, if that’s your jam then rock on. However, when you’re demanding someone else makes their coffee your way, that’s a problem. He needs to manage his own issues, and let OP drink their coffee in peace. Especially considering if she’s making it for him, she does it his way,” stated
“NTA. Why does he care what you do with your coffee? This was exhausting just to read let alone have to deal with every day. The ‘you, too’ because he claims you were thinking ‘f*ck you’ was also uncalled for. He sounds like a passive-aggressive control freak,” said
“That’s a huge red flag. What else is he super controlling about? It would be unusual for someone to only be exclusively controlling about one thing. His refusal and literally pushing the scale in front of you is a serious boundary violation. You said that he’s ‘extremely particular’ about a few things, so it sounds like this is a pattern. This obsession about how and what you do is only going to grow, and expand to new and more things. What happens when he gets controlling about how you parent and his way is not the better way, or refuses to compromise? He’s never going to give up on the coffee. He will never respect your other boundaries either. Forever,” explained
The OP then updated her post to share that she had decided to leave her controlling partner:
“So it’s been about a year since I made this post. Whenever I read posts like mine on here, I’m always wondering, did OP leave that asshole, so for those of you who care, I left that a*shole.”
“A lot of you were on the nose that this wasn’t the only way that he was controlling. My ex believes that he’s the smartest person in the room, so if you’re doing something differently than how he would, then you’re doing it wrong and must be corrected.”
“I’m not saying that everyone’s responses to my post gave me a revelation and I immediately knew what I had to do, but it was a nail in the coffin.”
“I’m living within an hour of my parents now when before I was on the opposite side of the country. I have a job as a caregiver and am planning to go to grad school to be a social worker. I have a boyfriend who doesn’t try to control every aspect of my life. When I go grocery shopping, I’m not stressing about accidentally buying the wrong brand of pasta (which was the right brand of pasta when we lived in a different state, I still don’t get that) or juice that’s from concentrate. And I’ve switched to pre-ground coffee because f*ck you, I want to. None of this would’ve happened if I’d stayed with him.”
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