When I was a kid, the best thing about Halloween was the candy.
Now that I’m an adult, the best thing about Halloween is the tweets.
And that is easily the most depressing thing I have ever written.
So, I’m going to go drown in despair and while I’m doing that, you should have a look at some of the funniest Halloween tweets that have ever graced the Internet.
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2015
“daddy why do celebrate halloween” [don’t say worshipping satan don’t say worshipping satan] well son, it’s for worshipping satan
— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard) October 23, 2013
1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 25, 2015
I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
— Nasty Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 12, 2016
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 27, 2014
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) October 29, 2012
if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life pic.twitter.com/xTp3ucjjtw
— spookymoof (@supermoof) October 16, 2016
love seeing the creative halloween costumes, like “cold nurse”, “cold schoolgirl”, “shivering female superhero”, “uncomfortably chilly pirat
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) October 25, 2013
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
— paperwarsh© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
— september22 (@hodgesboi15) October 12, 2013
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 3, 2013
For Halloween this year, I’m going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I’ll already be yelling at everyone for having fun.
— Nick or Tweet (@NickBossRoss) October 16, 2012
This Halloween I’m going as ‘Accidentally Opening Photoshop’.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) October 18, 2015
For Halloween should I be Girl In Sweats Ordering Chinese Food or Girl In Pajamas Ordering Pizza
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) October 29, 2014
Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 28, 2014
Oh hell yeah, a super elaborate father-daughter halloween costume! I’m sure this was the little girls idea
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) October 19, 2016
If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) October 27, 2014
Halloween is the only time I can wear a wedding dress and not look desperate.
— Jackie Carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) October 22, 2015
What’s a good Halloween costume that doesn’t require makeup and isn’t uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 19, 2016
going to a halloween party as a girl who doesnt dress up and just drinks your beer
— kristen drum (@kristendrum) October 26, 2013
Go to a costume shop, hang out by the wall of president masks, and ask an associate which one shows up blurriest on a bank surveillance tape
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) October 19, 2012
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 10, 2016
The Halloween knock-off costume names are so good pic.twitter.com/NC2DWjGR4g
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) October 18, 2016
For Halloween this year I’m going as “Guy Who Feels Awkward at Halloween Parties”
— Michael? (@Home_Halfway) October 20, 2014
My daughters used to wear inappropriately sexy costumes for Halloween but now that they’re 16 they only dress that way all the time.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) October 27, 2014
For Halloween this year I’m going as a fatter version of myself last year.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 12, 2016
The more effort you put into dressing your dog for Halloween, the more everybody else feels sorry for you.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) October 17, 2013
I just got invited to a Halloween party today, which gives me weeks to come up with a really cool costume!
[night before party]
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) October 5, 2016
I’m not doing anything for Halloween so I guess I’m going as The Government
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 11, 2013
Going to Halloween parties and pretending to be someone I’m not is good practice for the family Christmas party.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 31, 2013
If you’re looking for more Twitter fun, there are a shitload of funny tweets for you to enjoy right here.