*accordion sounds* pic.twitter.com/oMwXvyOZV4
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) August 15, 2016
2 more months till burning man…cant wait to pay $390 to get the gender beaten out of me with bamboo stakes in a dojo made of stolen copper
— baby genius (@adultblackmale) June 29, 2016
[ME] i’m gonna try not to tweet as much. get some real projects of the ground
[ME, AN HOUR LATER] time travioli. the time traveling ravioli
— Crep Checker (@pillowfort) October 4, 2016
Has anyone ever sent one of these on purpose?? pic.twitter.com/NL4AkQtSVc
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) July 13, 2016
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 17, 2016
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
— Corky KNYEvel (@CorkyKneivel) August 15, 2016
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
— Ben Rector (@benrector) June 12, 2016
he’s scared of the fireworks so my mom put on some dog videos for him ❤️ pic.twitter.com/VTjYa6YIcK
— emily (@spaghemily) July 5, 2016
When guys sext what they want to do to you it sounds like a ridiculous game of Clue.
— (@Sassafrantz) June 30, 2016
Come on kids, get in the car. We’re gonna go have an OK time pic.twitter.com/8aCPhaP8EN
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 5, 2016
did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA
— MAX IM A KOOPA (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
— Jess (@jessokfine) April 5, 2016
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) June 28, 2016
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
— Robot Eats Ice Cream (@MichaelLarrick) September 23, 2016
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 9, 2016
Little Red Riding Hood reboot spoiler alert. pic.twitter.com/rzWdeojsP4
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 16, 2016
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 7, 2016
Decades’ Love Songs:
70s: let’s fuck
80s: life’s sad, let’s fuck
90s: people suck, let’s fuck
00s: I rock, let’s fuck
10s: lol we fucked
— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 27, 2016
i wish LOL pic.twitter.com/zXopClqpfs
— chandler riggs (@chandlerriggs) October 9, 2016
[dies and goes to Heaven]
GOD: Hello, welcome to-
ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?
GOD: Right this way.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 7, 2016
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) September 23, 2016
Good to see Rolling Stone still has the reporter who yells, “WHAT A SCOOP!” on their payroll. pic.twitter.com/4PI2Gjw7PJ
— Scott Bromley (@Scott_Bromley) August 28, 2016
PUPPER NOOOOO BEHIND YOUUU 10/10 pls keep this pupper in your thoughts pic.twitter.com/ZPfeRtOX0Q
— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) June 29, 2016
“So I should just sit down here while you paint my por – oh you’re done” pic.twitter.com/2h7i29DZCI
— Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins) October 12, 2016
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 29, 2016