Dan Wilbur
16. Keeping it in the family.
“My uncle and his two sons moved in with my family.
Youngest son: chill kid, works, and pays rent to my mom. Nothing wrong with him.
Uncle: takes older sons disability money to pay for his and the eldest’s rent instead of his own money, treats my mom like shit (my dad -his brother- let’s him because he is also a piece of shit)
Oldest son: mental health issues, starts stealing items from around the house to pay for his drug addiction (including 2 high end keyboards), attempts to sneak into sisters room while she sleeps, breaks into neighbors house, caught on the second try, sets fire to our back yard and finally gets picked up by cops and is sent with his mother so he can finally be properly medicated and taken care of.
It’s been a hell of a year folks.” –Rockabillyz
17. Who steals those?
“When I was young, a kid from down the street was round my house. We were messing about in my room, he saw my Digimon cards and started going through them. We then went out side to play. While kicking a ball about on my drive a load of Digimon cards fell out of his pocket. I went over to look at them, of course they were mine.
I looked at him, his face was red, obviously embarrassed. I calmly picked up all the cards, without a word & took them inside my house. Went back out to play, like nothing ever happened. Thinking back on it now, WHO THE FUCK STEALS DIGIMON CARDS! THEY WEREN’T EVEN POPULAR!” –PIG_HEART_BOY
18. Careful where you puke.
“Had a Girlfriend of a good friend pass out on my couch… Puked herself overnight. I assume she woke up in a panic and cleaned it up, however she didn’t realize the puke had seeped down between the sections of my couch into an air return vent for our heater. Only after the entire house smelled like puke did she fess up and tell us what happened. Pretty nasty, crusty clean-up.” –whoisapoop
19. Don’t dye.
“Dyed her hair red in our bathroom sink – staining the brand new granite countertop, then dripped onto the new tile floor, then dripped onto the hardwood floor in the hallway, and ultimately slept in our guest bed with wet, freshly dyed red hair – staining the sheets and pillowcase.” –a_knows_best
20. Why, though?
“My friend is an artist who lives in a big warehouse. One night he had a big show with a whole bunch of people coming over to see his art. After everyone left he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He noticed something dark in his toothpaste tube and and investigated further. Shit. Someone had taken the cap off his toothpaste and smeared shit on the inside where the toothpaste comes out.” –Meatheaded
21. Everywhere is a toilet when you’re drunk.
“In college, my roommates and I had a relatively small house party. Around 3 AM, almost everyone was sleeping or went home. Someone shit in our dryer AND TURNED IT ON. Oh God, the smell. Never found out who it was and ended up having to buy a new dryer.” –dpgrizz83
22. Please get up and make me breakfast.
“I had a really spoiled princess-type friend who always expected me to cater to her when she would come visit (I didn’t really want her to visit, but she’d just announce she was coming and I dealt with it).
One morning she texted me to wake me up, saying “Can you please get up and make me breakfast?”
I wish I could say that was the last straw, but it wasn’t until she pitched a fit that I didn’t make her a bridesmaid and boycotted my wedding that I finally called it quits.” –ColorMeStunned
23. Not what a bathroom is for.
“The front door to my house has a key code instead of a standard key lock. A few years ago i was away from home and my buddy texted me asking for the code because he had forgotten a sweater or something at my house a few days prior. It wasn’t a big deal, i’ve known him since middle school, and he’s one of my best friends.
I told him just to go in because my other roommate was gone for the night. I get a call around midnight from my friend, he was fucked up, and told me that he had some people over at MY house and it got a little out of hand, and it had turned into a full blown party. I was so fucking mad, but i couldn’t get home till the next day. My place was pretty wrecked, and i found a bunch of weird shit in my bathroom. Cut up soda cans, baking soda etc. I called my friend to see what the fuck happened, and i guess some dude was cooking crack in my bathroom.” –StrungoutScott
24. Pack it up.
“He let my new very old, very deaf foster dog out of the gate on purpose and the dog took off up the street. He just stood there smirking while I grabbed my shoes and keys and after i shouted at him for being a moron, he told me that it was for the best and maybe I should focus my time on other things. I eventually caught up to the terrified and exhausted dog and brought her back home. Told guest to pack his bags.” –ComfyInDots
25. Rude.
“A little over a year ago, I arrive home to some kid hanging out in the kitchen with my dad. Apparently the kid got in a big fight with his mom and basically ran away and decided to knock on my door. The kid claimed to be friends with my younger, high-school aged brother. My dad fed the kid and talked to him, consulting him on his situation with his mom. He ended up letting him stay the night and told him he could borrow a bike to get home the next day.
My dad was super nice to him. Well the next day comes along and I’m at home because I worked from home at the time. I come up to the living room to find him hanging out there with some random girl and another random guy. Neither of these kids are friends with my brother, and the problem-child is apparently only an acquaintance. He ends up spending the whole day at my hosue with these kids while my parents are at work, eating our food and just making a mess of the place. Eventually my dad gets home and tells him he has to get out and to borrow the bike if he needs to get home. We never saw the bike again. He claimed it was stolen. Fuck that kid.” –JustKeepDrinking
26. A little off.
“My roommate had a friend who was akin to Lennie in Of Mice and Men, just not a smart guy, super slow, no idea how he made it through his teen years at this point. This guy is over all the time and constantly doing stupid shit mostly while doing drugs or just not thinking ahead of time. Well, I had a cat that was sort of pushed on me by someone else because they couldn’t look after it, so somehow after saying I would just look after it for 2 weeks, I end up just keeping the cat because the girl who said it was temporary was a liar.
This cat is growing up nicely but it is strictly an indoor cat. We are next to a major roadway, it wasn’t a great part of town, and I just didn’t want the cat going out anyways. Anyways, this dumb fuck that is my roommates friend ends up getting high on mushrooms and starts trying to tell me how it was horrible to cut the cat’s balls off. I am like WTF are you talking about, we had to get the cat fixed, he then proceeds to let the cat out later that night saying he was free from the evil tyranny of my grasp or something. Guess fucking what, the cat got run over. Fuck you Charlie.” –saltywings
27. Eviction notice.
“Not a guest but a room mate. He once kicked the door open to our shared bathroom and destroyed the door jam. I came back to find this after a weekend away with my SO. He admits to it and says not to worry he was going to fix it. He spends the next week sitting around smoking weed and pounding 40s. Being fed up with not having a bathroom that locks for my gf (1 female in a house of five dudes) I go to the hardware store and buy all the materials.
While I’m hammering the splintered door jam back together the culprit is sitting on his ass smoking weed and fucking around with some call of duty game. When I finish I hand him a bill and tell him he has 2 weeks to pay it. He cried in my doorway for like 30 minutes begging me to not charge him, and claimed that it wasnt valid because he was going to fix it. Charged him 20 bucks an hour for my labor and material cost only came to about 60 bucks. He paid when I told the landlord to threaten to evict his ass.” –red_fury
28. Wait- what now?
“Took a shit in one of my coffee mugs then ran down the street with it.” –Y_ROR
29. Take care of your dog.
“Had a friend comer over for a weekend thing to celebrate my 6th month of sobriety.
He brought his girlfriend, who brought her Cocker Spaniel. Who proceeded to shit on my couch, and not a solid shit either,. I’m talking that thick, cake batter diarrhea they get from cheap Off Brand dog food.
and she just looked at me, pinching her nose and said snottily ‘arent you going to like clean that up’
My friend looked at her she just had a xenomorph Chest Burster live up to its name right there in the room, got up, grabbed some papertowels, and cleaned it while apologizing to me repeatedly.
He dumped her the next day because the same thing happened at his parents house.” –WeirdWolfGuy
30. Never use your own name.
“Not my house, but while at a sleepover when we were kids one of my friends decided to engrave his name into a glass dining table.” –12DollarsRich
