Ruin My Week
The leading cause of stupidity in the United States is horniness (probably).
Lady boners and stiff dongs have lead people astray since the dawn of time. Almost everyone has fallen victim to the urges of their groins whether it was alcohol-induced or pubescent naiveté.
Recently a Reddit thread popped off when a bunch of people shared their stories of the stupidest things their horniness made them do.
These tales of “gettin’-that-nut” mishaps are absolutely hilarious.
Here are some of the most ridiculous stories about the stupidest things people have done because of their horniness.
1.
“There was a lot of junk in my house when I was younger, I think I was 12 or 13 and wanted to know what having sex was like so I found this thing, I think it was a part of a light fitting or something, either way it was round and had a hole at each end, a cylinder with no ends, basically.
My teenage brain said that the tube was too small to put my erect penis in, so the sensible thing to do would be to stuff it in flaccid, then get hard when I’m already in.
This turned out, to the surprise of nobody, to be a f–king horrible idea. The more erect I became, the more it constricted my penis and the more erect I became. I tried just pulling it off but it was on there fast. I went to the bathroom and ran cold water on my penis to try and make it go down.
I hoped, on that day, that I had not learned what sex was like.” –BurbankElephants
2.
“Thirteen year old me jacked off with toothpaste. 0/10 dentists recommend.” –rej1868
3.
“Crashed a car speeding through the snow to get laid.” –youdoitimbusy
Or as Jowgenz put it: “Dashing through the snow, with a one-eyed open snake.”
4.
“I had this 6′ model looking Amazonian chick pop into my dorm room one night at like 3am and she immediately was all over me, so naturally I was like fuck ya and dove in.. Problem was, I had no condoms and knew she was a freak. Not wanting to play that game, I was like, “chill out here, get comfortable, I’ll be right back”.. as I leave, I caught a glimpse of her shirt coming off and was like fuck ya, I need to make this happen.
Down the hall and to the elevator I got.. and hit the button.. nothing.. no dings, no sounds, nothing.. said fuck that and raced down the stairs because fuck waiting for the elevator at a time like this… I sprinted out to my car only to find it completely incapacitated.. At this point I’m pissed but fully committed..
The 7/11 about 3 blocks away would surely have a stash behind the counter and they were open 24 hours, so I took off running, full on.. 3 blocks, fuckit, I could sprint it. I burst through the door of 7/11 so fast that the dude behind the counter jumped and I, breathing heavily, demanded he sell me condoms. He knew. He could see it in my eyes. Out the door I went, back 3 blocks to the dorm, up the stairs and calmly approached my door, trying to play it chill af as I walked in..
She was passed out drunk on my bed, completely naked. I stood there over her for a minute, breathing all heavy and dripping sweat, holding a large box of condoms, shaking her trying to get her drunk ass to wake up. Nothing.. I took a shower and slept on the couch. She was gone before I woke up.” –reasonandmadness
5.
“I used to share a room with my younger brother. We had bunk beds and I was on the top bunk. One night I drenched my piece in vaseline and went to town cuz I thought he was sleeping. I heard him say something so I grabbed the railing of my bed and leaned over. My hands were covered in vaseline so I slipped off the railing and fell naked onto his bed with vaseline covered hands and a boner.” –jayfreddy96
6.
“My college boyfriend flew in to visit me and my conservative parents made it their business to have at least one of them home at all times, and my mom was also a light sleeper so doing it in the house wasn’t going to work either. So in a desperate attempt, I led us to this creepy wood shed on the property behind my parents’ house. I quickly learned that bare butts and freshly chopped firewood don’t mix. I found splinters in parts of my body that there should never be splinters. Even worse: a few days after this the groundskeeper was chatting with my parents and I heard him telling them that the shed was “crawling” with black widow spiders, a nest hatched and they were everywhere.” –TinyDancer301
7.
“Friend back in high school relayed to me that “F-cking a microwaved banana peel with olive oil inside of it feels like a vagina”, so naturally having then never tried a real human vagina I grabbed a banana for a snack after coming home one day and stashed the peel away. When nobody was home I grabbed that peel, olive oiled it up, and microwaved for about a minute. WAY. TOO. F-CKING. LONG.
In my excitement I dropped trow and penetrated the scalding peel burning the shit out of my wiener. It was terrible. Absolutely 0/10 wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Suffice to say that it felt nothing like a real vagina.” –The_Kief_Chief
8.
“Losing my virginity outdoors while having the flu. Not only that, we ended up screwing in a bed of nettles. I didn’t notice because it was so dark outside. My ass and thighs were covered in nettle stings and they itched for weeks after.” –unicorn85
9.
“Tried to use mobile phone as vibrator. Washed mobile after use. Mobile died.” –goldfish1902
10.
“I was 15/16 years old and this guy I was dating wanted me to sneak out so I could go hang at his house with him. I jump from a 2nd story window. Land on one foot. Black out for a moment. Knew my ankle was fucked. But still couldn’t get caught and he reallllyyyy wanted me to come hang out with him at his place. Alone.
So we take off. He puts ice on my foot. But nothing can stop a couple of horny kids. We go to do the deed and he can’t quite get to full mast. Says it’s cuz he touched the ice on my foot but I’m guessing nerves played a part. He asks me, “can I tell my friends we did it?”. Of course he can…
Anyways, cut to the next morning and he drops me off after my parents went to work. Month later I finally go to a doctor and find I’ve broken a huge bone clean in half and they had to re-break it and add two titanium screws to the party.” –Whorax123
