Kate Hackett
Part of being married or in a committed relationship is being open and honest with each other. Unfortunately, that can be truly difficult – especially if you have some big, deep secrets. You never know how someone will react to some new revelation, so sometimes it just feels easier to keep secrets close to the chest. And then years go by. And you feel stuck, like you can’t share this thing because it’s just been too long.
Some of the answers to u/alvl70charizard‘s question, “What’s one thing your partner doesn’t know?” are those kinds of big, deep secrets that will break your heart to read about.
But most of the thread wound up being absolutely sweet and darling and I just want to hug so many of the people who replied.
1. Our little secret
My kid had made me a heart type thing at school and wanted to give it to me. I told him it was great but that I always get the stuff he makes from school. Instead he should put my gf’s name on it cuz she’ll love it. He gave it to her and she melted. She’s got it on the fridge and has been showing it off for 2 weeks to friends and family. She keeps saying stuff like “It was so nice he thought of me and he spelled my name right and he’s so sweet” and on and on. It’ll just be me and his secret.
2. Her mom called for her
That her mom called for her the moment before she died. When her mom was dying she was in the room with her for almost 24 hours straight and left for 30 seconds and I was there and in those 30 seconds her mother died but not before calling for my wife. I don’t know if it will haunt her or not, but I just don’t think it’s something she needs to know.
3. Fake emergency
She suffers from depression, and when she hits a slump she feels like laying in bed and doing nothing, even though 99.9% of the time just getting out of bed and doing something, ANYTHING will make a dramatic difference in her day. So usually when she hits a slump I’ll manufacture some fake emergency that only she can help me solve, like “hey babe I think one of the cats has a scratch on his face but he won’t hold still for me to look.” Of course, the cat is fine, but I just tricked her into getting out of bed and doing something, and that’s always the hardest part.
4. A joke
That I have a folder of photos on my computer called “Places I have found my wife’s shoes” that is legitimately filled with thousands of pictures of my wife’s shoes that are neither in the closet or shoe rack.
I started it years ago as a joke and it has gotten out of hand.
5. Need a hug
That most of the times I ask my wife for a hug are when she’s feeling down or upset, because she doesn’t like to be “clingy or needy” so she internalises and goes quiet.
I tell her I need a hug because of one thing or another so I can comfort her without making her feel like she’s inconveniencing me.
6. Sober & Ready to Leave
That I’m over 4 years sober. You think they would have noticed, but when I started going to AA at lunch at work after a hard year of trying and failing, sobriety finally stuck. I had been sober a month and she accused me of being drunk again and that I was obviously sneaking alcohol and clearly I was hungover and that I was a loser who would never get his shit together. I thought, “well I won’t say anything and work on myself until even she will notice.’ So I did, I stayed sober, I got fit, I ran a marathon, I got therapy, I got treatment for what turned out to be adult adhd that had gone undiagnosed for 51 years, I started anti-depressants and generally turned my life around.
She never noticed, and I’m regularly accused of being a lousy drunk by her. About every other week or so. I’d say it hurts, but I’m in such a better place now that I truly don’t give a shit what a toxic person like that thinks, which makes her even morenegative. I’ve stayed married to her for 26 years, but I don’t think I’ll make it much farther.
7. Reminders
My husband’s birthday is Christmas Eve. Unfortunately his birthday gets forgotten a lot. The first year we were married almost no one remembered, and although he claimed it didn’t bother him, I could see that it really did. So now I send out a text first thing on the morning on Christmas Eve, and all everyone to take a moment to wish him a happy birthday, and explicitly stated that no one is to let him know that I’ve sent out the text. Almost 12 years in, and he hasn’t found out.
8. Kindle
My wife doesn’t know her Kindle is connected to my Amazon account and I can see the many alien sex novels she’s read.
9. Ticklish
When we were dating she tickled my feet and I acted as if I wasn’t ticklish. 13 years later she will tickle them and be amazed I am not ticklish, everytime it tickles.
I have to hide this forever.
10. Animals
My wife is the biggest softie for animals, and we have birds that nest right in a column on our porch. One day a baby bird fell out and she saw. Well it ended up dying, but I buried it and told her that I saw the momma bird come down and get it. It made her day so much better that I haven’t had the heart to tell her it died and probably never will.
I also distract her whenever I see roadkill coming up, or tell her it was just a plastic bag or something.
11. Following Their Daughter
That I know our daughter’s reddit account, and that I check in on her regularly.
I feel deep, profound guilt about following her, because while I respect her privacy I know that she has significant physical and emotional issues. She’s at college out of state, and battles with clinical depression and an unusual and incurable chronic illness, and she really, really tries not to let on to the world when she’s going through a rough patch. She’ll make a comment or post something that lets me know that she’s feeling crushed or broken, and I’ll co-incidentally reach out to her the next day and give her an opening to talk about anything that’s bothering her. Most of the time it works and she’ll vent for awhile and feel a little better. Some of the time we just trade pictures of cats. Either way, she knows that she’s loved and that someone is thinking of her.
If I told my wife about this? She’d blow the whole thing up and like a bull in a china shop she’d make it pretty clear that she knew our daughter’s account and immediately interject herself into our daughter’s life so she could fix everything. I understand that, because my wife is brilliant and protective and only sees the world in black and white. But I also understand that my daughter has to fix her own life – and that she’s doing it every day, but that it doesn’t hurt to have someone text her out of the blue and tell her a dad joke and try and make her laugh while she’s doing it.
I wrestle with the idea that I’m simultaneously a bad parent and a bad husband because of this. I’ve been married for almost thirty years, and this is the only thing I’ve ever kept from my wife. I hate it, but it’s a hole I dug for myself, so I have to sit in it alone.
12. Shutting drawers
How to shut a drawer at less that 126 mph.
13. Dropping fries
Whenever we get fast food to go, she enjoys eating the extra fries which have fallen out of their carriage and into the bag. I’m not really sure why she enjoys them so much but whenever there aren’t any, I drop a few down when grabbing my fries secretly and then give her the bag. It’s been 8 years haha. I always grab my fries last and she’s never noticed.
14. Blue ones
When we watch movies together we always snack. One of our favorites to munch on during the movie are the Sour Punch Bites. She takes all the blue ones because I don’t like them and they are her favorite – always says how lucky she is that worked out like that.
The blue ones are also my favorite, but she can have them.
15. YAY!
He doesn’t know just how excited I get when he gets home. I just love being around him. The dogs can hear the garage door open better than I can, so I use them as a sort of notification that “He’s here!”
16. A monitor
Very early in the relationship after the second date his monitor broke right on Sunday. I knew he was an avid gamer.
So I quickly bought a 27″ monitor on eBay and told him I had that laying around. While he was on the way to me, I power walked through half the town to get it and quickly changed clothes because it was drizzling.
He had low income and no money and I didn’t want him to feel like he’s in my debt. We’re over two years together now.
17. Hahahahaha
When I shower she thinks I make an absurdly loud noise when I’m washing my butt. Really I’m just squeezing water in my palm, but it’s much funnier that she thinks it’s my butt. Even done this while we were both in there to really get her going.
18. Cat
Our cat has a health insurance policy
19. I’m proposing
That I’m proposing this Saturday. Y’all better not tell.
20. Feral
If he’s out of town, I go completely feral for the first one or two days. Candy for breakfast, falling asleep in the couch, beer with dinner on a weekday, clothes on the floor, recycling bag overflowing…
Then I shape up. When he comes back everything’s back to normal. But man does it feel good to be a sloppy pig sometimes.
