Kate Hackett
Friendships are hard work — they’re a relationship and just like a romantic one, you have to be willing to adjust and grow with the other person. You may inevitably say things that hurt each other and at some point, you have to step back and wonder:
Is this relationship worth it?
Over on the BuzzFeed Community, people were asked why they ghosted friends and if they regretted it. Here are some of the best (worst??) answers.
1. Not my kid’s name
“She kept calling my newborn daughter ‘Avery.’ My daughter’s name is Murphy, not Avery. I’m not talking once or twice but it happened repeatedly even after I corrected her. I felt like if you can’t even learn my daughter’s name (arguably one of the most important people in my life), then the friendship wasn’t worth it. We text about once every six to seven months now.” —molleecoffey
2. Didn’t reply
“She left me on read when I told her my brother was entering rehab. That hurt more than I can explain.” —papaya2
3. Failed to check in
“I had to cut off my former best friend after he failed to check in on me after I had heart surgery. When I confronted him, he accused me of being self-absorbed. I just had heart surgery. It was a pretty big moment in my life.” “Literally just a simple text would have been enough for me, but he couldn’t even take two seconds out of his day to do that. That’s when I realized he didn’t care about me, so I stopped talking to him. I don’t regret that decision, and I would do it again.” —doofenshmirtzevilinc
4. Sex as repayment
“He had some financial difficulties a few years back, and I (as I had good disposable income at the time) helped him out with food and bills. Fast forward to last year with the pandemic going on, I found myself with money problems. He offered to repay me for helping him out by helping me with my bills, claiming that I wouldn’t have to pay him back. However, one night, he was at my place and we had been chilling out, drinking and watching Netflix. It got really late, so I started to set up a blanket for him to sleep on the couch. He proceeded to throw a fit because he assumed he was ‘going to get sex as a repayment for him helping me out.’
“He threatened to un-alive himself. He left and wrote a note solely blaming it on me (he’s still alive, BTW). This situation made me realize all of the toxic, manipulative things he was doing over the years. I cut all contact and completely ghosted him after that.” —kaylaz4d40b3e26
5. Blamed me
“I had a childhood friend blame me for the end of their relationship to their significant other because I didn’t lend them money to fix their partner’s car. This was the last straw in a long line of things that had happened before I stopped talking to them.” —Anonymous
6. Sleeping with my boyfriend.
“Our friend group knew that one of our other friends were sleeping with my boyfriend. I found out about it during my 21st birthday party in my house. The friend (we will call them ‘A’) was a relatively new friend. We became very close, very quickly as she lived by my house with her family. When I found her and my boyfriend in my bathroom together on my birthday having sex, I quietly asked them both to leave and didn’t let on to anyone what happened. I took a minute to cry and then carried on with my birthday party determined to not let it ruin it. Two weeks later, another friend confessed out of guilt that the entire group had known what was going on and nobody told me.” “In the aftermath, she was obviously not welcomed to my house and not welcomed to anything I organize socially. However, I suddenly was no longer invited places, because I simply didn’t want to be around my friend ‘A.’ Apparently, I was being unreasonable, was told I should ‘let it go,’ and that me holding onto this issue was making everybody uncomfortable (she had never actually apologized or taken any responsibility for what happened).” —Anonymous
7. Grew apart
“I love my BFF, let’s start with that. However, she gets really mad if I don’t text and/or call her every day. We’re in our mid-40’s; we’ve been friends since we were 11 years old. My younger and only sister died recently, and she got mad I didn’t call her after the service. I had stopped talking with her in the spring because of this. I’ve got a partner, a step-daughter, an aging mom, and a ton of nieces and nephews. I wish she would understand that yes, I love her, but my time is limited because we’re not teens anymore.” “We’ve grown apart but she’s still dear to me. I just wish she’d understand what my life is like. She doesn’t work, or really have responsibilities, and I sometimes think she can’t wrap her head around that idea. But I do love her. Always!”
8. Wasn’t who he pretended to be
“My awkward ghosting experience with a friend was realizing when he wasn’t at all who he made himself out to be. We had hung out for years, we lived near each other, we had friends in common, and we had the same thoughts — all was well, or so it seemed. But during our friendship, I constantly reminded him: I’m not looking for a date, I’m needing a friend. One day, I came home, and there were multiple Valentine’s Day gifts outside of my door, and my mother was also with me; it was troublesome to explain to her that I had no romantic feelings for him. He didn’t even ask me how I felt about him; he just assumed that I felt the same — so I had to remind him that I wanted him as a friend. A few months later, he asked me if we could date, so I told him ‘no’ and walked away. I offered to explain everything to him, and he refused to listen.” “So he gave me the ‘I’m going to say everything is fine, but really, nothing is fine’ attitude, and then blamed me for being ‘the bad friend’ and told his family that I ‘used him.’ Every time his family sees me around town, they ignore me. The very last time I hung out with him, we were talking about what we wanted out of life, so I said how I imagined my life (jokingly) as someone rich, in a rich loft, with expensive art and clothing and a bunch of large-breed dogs. He told me that he imagined me barefoot and pregnant, as a non-working housewife, playing best friends with his sister-in-law and ‘keeping up’ with her pregnancy times so that we could have children the same age as her children. They could grow up and be best friends together, and we could all be one giant, happy family. I immediately ghosted him because I didn’t want to associate with someone who spent time planning my future, for himself, without once asking me how I felt, and implying that everything I stood for meant absolutely nothing to him.” —Anonymous
9. Accused my brother of stealing
“I let it slide after she accused my brother of stealing her makeup from her backpack. I ignored it when she was alarmed at how many Black people there were at a recreation center I invited her to for a class. The last straw was when a grown man reached his hands into my overalls, grabbed me and whispered into my ear something vile and walked away. She missed what happened but took the look on my face to mean that I was getting ready to shop lift and told her mother.” “Her mom then told me to straighten up and stop acting ‘shifty.’ Yes, I am Black and she is white. I couldn’t ignore the behavior anymore.” —azizas3
10. Wouldn’t get the vaccine
“She wouldn’t get the COVID-19 vaccine because she’s afraid of needles and still wanted to party and be around my newborn baby.” —spitzerk15
11. Terrible trip
“We both were having a rough time at our current jobs and wanting a getaway so we decided to go to Paris because of this great deal a travel company was having for New Years’. We spent almost two years planning and saving for the trip. The day we left set the tone for how the week would go: She almost made us late because she couldn’t find one specific scarf she wanted to bring. She wanted to stop at an ATM to get American dollars ‘for the flight’ even though we had tight layovers and there was no reason to keep cash on us. Once we got there, she complained about walking. She carried literally EVERYTHING she didn’t need with her and then complained how heavy her bag was. She refused to wear a coat that she brought but then complain about the cold (and ended up getting sick). But the cherry on top was her meltdown at Versailles.” “We both wanted to see Versailles, so we had a private tour scheduled. The tour guide gave us earphones so that we could hear her over the massive crowds inside. They repeatedly told us to stay together. There were SO many people. Well, my friend decided she didn’t want to wear her earphones, lagged behind our group to take pictures, and ended up getting lost in the palace. One of the two tour guides we had went to go find her, but in a place that size — it was a needle in the haystack.
We all had instructions to meet at the golden gates at 1 p.m. sharp. So at 1 p.m., she storms up to me, starts SCREAMING and cussing at me in front of thousands of people, then sits on the ground and cries. She screamed that we LEFT her and that she couldn’t get help because ‘everyone speaks French’ and had to call the police. This was a 32-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
The rest of the trip was hot and cold. She just didn’t seem to be prepared for travel at all and found everything an inconvenience.
When we got back, we shared a taxi. I told her to let me know when she got home safe, and that was the last time I messaged her.” —damndingos
12. Ditched me
“I had a ‘friend’ in college who constantly shamed me for being a prude. I hadn’t had sex yet, and she always found a way to bring it up in front of other people — including people I was interested in. Once, she told me that if I died, she’d tell my mother I wasn’t a virgin so she’d be proud of me. I constantly told her to stop, but she refused.” “I finally ghosted her after we went to a casino together. I got drunk for the first time, and she ditched me at the casino to hook up with her ex. I never spoke to her again. She still tells people she doesn’t know why I don’t talk to her anymore.” —Anonymous
13. Broke up with me when I had cancer
“My best friend of 15 years broke up with me first by text when I was diagnosed with cancer. The only thing I ever asked of her was a little space so that I could navigate the decision process around my diagnosis and treatment plan. To note, I asked for space from *all* of my friends and family at this time because I needed to know that the life-altering decisions I was making were mine and mine alone. This was, evidently, unacceptable because she sent me a text about how friendship goes both ways, and that I was being a bad friend. My heart shattered into a million pieces. About six weeks later, she sent another text: ‘Are you done being mad at me yet?’ I was deep in treatment and too exhausted and depressed to try to rebuild the trust and friendship we once had. I never responded to that text, and I never spoke to her again.
“Space and time have allowed me the capacity to understand that she was probably frightened by my diagnosis. It is years later, and I forgive her. But I will never forget that she deserted me at the nadir of my life. Actions have consequences, and some stains are indelible.” —Anonymous
14. I’m bad for her mental health
“Well, we weren’t actually friends, but she really wanted to be my friend. I ‘ghosted’ her because I knew I was (and still am) harmful to her mental well-being. She was recovering from depression when I couldn’t get help. I was (and still am) at my lowest with my anorexia, depression, and all the other shit I have going on. I knew I’d drag her down with me, so I decided that I would rather not ruin another life.” “Do I regret it? Not one bit. She is (or at least seems) happy now. She has a job, she’s off of her meds, she’s in a stable relationship.” —prekeles
15. Stood me up
“My friend and I had plans for weeks to see a movie we were excited about. We agreed to meet at a theater about 40 minutes away from our respective towns to even the commute for both of us. This friend has been kind of flaky in the past, so I double-checked with her the day before that we were still on for the movie. She confirmed our plans and asked me to purchase our tickets. When I got to the theater the next day, my friend was nowhere to be found. I called her, but she didn’t answer. Then I got a text from her saying she wasn’t going to make it to the movie, because she and her other friends had all decided to dress up as witches and do a photoshoot together. We’re 26 years old.”
“I ghosted her because of the rejection I felt from her standing me up. Never in my life had I felt more alone than being in an unfamiliar town surrounded by groups of people at a movie theater.” —lynn_larson
16. More mature
“A friend came home from college (I could only afford community college at the time) and told me that she had become ‘more mature’ than me because she was living on her own and going to dance classes to meet boys.” —jessclair9
17. Used me to pick up men
“My friend’s mother hated me and I couldn’t figure out why. After a few months, I found out. Turns out she was telling her mom she was spending nights with me, when in reality, she was going to jails to pick up men. She wanted ‘dramatic relationships’ because she thought those had the best sex. She would come home really emotionally messed up, and her mom thought it was me.” “I told my friend to come clean so she could get help, but she laughed at my face. I ghosted her. I couldn’t handle that level of destruction and felt like there was nothing I could do. She was using me. I didn’t deserve that. No one does.” —emilyharbison6
18. Put me down
“I had a BFF from high school who moved to Europe for college and started acting different, like ‘Yeah, look at me. I’m so fancy, I use euros now.’ The thing was I was happy for her because she was living her dream life — but each time she came back home for holidays, she couldn’t help herself from downgrading me and throwing at me how sad and miserable my life was. At that time, I was suffering from depression, my parents got divorced, and everything was falling apart for me. I just wanted her to be a supportive BFF as I was to her. But then, one day she said to me: ‘Maybe your destiny is to have a small and miserable life,’ just to say that I would not be better than her.”
“Now my mental health is way better. I am a happily married woman and teacher. I have a life I couldn’t even imagine I’d have — and thankfully, without a toxic friendship.” —tidissik
19. I was depressed
“We were friends in high school, but now live far apart from each other, and check in every couple of months to catch up. I had two traumatic miscarriages back to back, and became extremely depressed. I stopped texting her back because I could barely function, and eventually she stopped checking in.”
“It’s been over two years, I’m finally seeing a therapist and on medication to help with my depression. I would love to be friends again because I really miss her. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at how I treated her that I haven’t been able to bring myself to call her.” —Anonymous
20. Dated my ex & was awful
“My best friend of 11 years started dating an ex-boyfriend of mine. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that she constantly talked about how he liked her way more than he had liked me. She’d make comments like: ‘I’m going to meet his mom. You never met her,’ shoving that in my face. I had moved on, so this annoyed me. I didn’t care that I didn’t meet his mom — I had broken up with him because we were incompatible, and I wasn’t into him anymore, but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear details about him constantly.” “The final straw for me to ghost my ex-best friend was when I called her to talk to her about a miscarriage I was going through with my current boyfriend and instead of listening, she wanted to talk about how much she looooooved her boyfriend. I remember telling her she wasn’t in love, she had only been with him for a month. I also threw it in her face that she was getting ‘my leftovers’ and that she was better than that. I didn’t want them to break up; I had no control over that. The only thing I could control was to take myself out of that situation. So I did. I blocked her every single way I knew how and it’s now been over a year since I’ve heard from her.” —Anonymous
