We all know some funny business went on at Hogwarts. A bunch of adolescents away from their parents and grouped together? Come on. We’ve all been to middle school and high school.
Unfortunately, author J.K. Rowling has spent more time being transphobic on the internet than helping us untangle Hogwarts’ hanky panky. (You know Bellatrix has some stories. You know it.)
Redditor MrNoName_ishaere was curious if any other Redditors let their imaginations run wild when it comes to Hogwarts after hours. So, in /AskReddit, they posted:
“What NSFW things must have happened at Hogwarts that we don’t see?”
And their answers were, shall we say… creative.
Here are 20 of the best.
1. Moving mags
Porn mags would have moving pictures
2. Mangled penises
You’re teaching kids, who are going through puberty, how to bend the laws of nature. God knows how many magically mangled penises went to the nurse’s office.
3. “Engorgio!”
Boys using the engorgio spell.
4. Potions for profit
A huge industry would be wizard pornstars selling their hair and polyjuice potions.
5. Indecent paintings
Nude paintings would be quite different just walking down the corridor hearing a strange sound so you go to investigate and boom the painting is masturbating.
6. The Invisibility Cloak
Everything that happened under the invisibility cloak, stays under the invisibility cloak.
7. Spells
Revenge week-long boner spells.
8. Sex magic
Magic induced orgasms
9. The Room of Requirement
I think that would be using the “Room of Requirement” to be able to get down to some kinky stuff.
10. Fred and George’s childhood
Well NSFW must have been common place as Fred and George watched their little brother Ron sleeping with a dead wizard called Peter Pettigrew every night whilst growing up.
11. Voldemort’s mom
Voldemort’s mother basically used the love potion like roofies
12. Teens with magic
I refuse to believe a castle full of teenagers aren’t finding creative ways to bang each other.
13. Harry + Ron = <3
Harry and Ron sneaking around with the invisibility cloak and seeing some titties
14. Which teacher?
Based on the “what was the scandal at your school” question a few days ago, it’s likely one of the teachers had an affair with the students. There was a lot of that answer. Which teacher would have an affair, though.
15. Ron and scabbers
How many time Ron beat his meat in front of scabbers just for it to be Peter Pettigrew
16. The Forbidden section
There has to be at least one sexual spell that a student learned from the Forbidden section of the library
17. Longbottom’s stash
longbottom deffo grew weed
18. Magically altering with your bros
It’s not gay if it’s a magically alter your best same sex friend into the opposite sex two way!
19. Hagrid’s home
Don’t know why but the fact that everyone just walks into Hagrid’s home like it’s their own doesn’t sit right with me. Like, how many times have people walked in on him masturbating.. eesh
20. Potion room
I refuse to believe a castle full of adolescents beyond muggle law, with access to a complete potion room never once tried to make meth
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