Hannah Riley
The United States is weird because people who live here are raised to have a lot of pride for our country that …really isn’t that great. The same people who say America is the greatest country on Earth also wear merch that says America needs to be made great again. It’s a confusing issue but don’t worry, we have quite literally our dumbest people on the case.
Americans have a thing for telling other countries how much they suck compared to the United States and then inaccurately quoting facts about the United States as their evidence. It’s pretty fascinating.
Remember to read these while imagining a you’re drinking a 70 oz Diet Coke with a bald eagle screeching in your ear.
1. “I’ve never met anyone who used Celsius.”
2. “It’s not that funny anymore.”
3. “Imagine caring about what some country the size of LA County thinks.”
4. “Autobahn is fantastic if you do not mind a road system that is paid for by high taxes.”
5. “People Who Leave Their Phones Set To Military Time Are War Criminals”
6. “How Do You Prevent People From Jumping Off Like Idiots?”
7. “Should Ask Them If Jews Matter Too”
8. “The Ambulance Is Not Your Taxi To The Hospital”
9. “Well Allocated Funds”
10. “Go To Panama, This Is America”
11. “More People Use Imperial Than Metric”
12. “More People Know About Our Smallest State Vermont Then The Amsterdam”
13. “People Engaging Me In German Because I Look German”
14. “We Will Never Rewrite The Constitution”
15. “Where Does It Say In The Constitution Or Any Of The Amendments That Eating Is A Human Right?”
16. “Hmmmmmmm”
17. “He Is (Your President)”
18. “I Am Confused Is There A Rome In Italy?”
19. “Wishing “Evil” On A Country Is Pretty Mean”
20. “Your Haircuts Are Un-American”
