Edward
11.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
— She’s A Real Genius🥸 (@ShesARealGenius) September 29, 2016
12.
Me: will there be sausage rolls?
Margaret [sobbing uncontrollably]: th-there-
Me [louder]: Margaret. Your husband's funeral. Sausage rolls?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 25, 2015
13.
me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY"
girl: "dude, this is a library"
me: "oh" [screwing on a silencer] "ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵇᵒᵈʸ ᶫᶦˢᵗᵉᶰ ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᵃ ʳᵒᵇᵇᵉʳʸ"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) November 28, 2017
14.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
— Joe West (@joejwest) September 9, 2014
15.
Shout out to all the early humans who died figuring out what plants we can and can't eat.
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) November 30, 2017
16.
https://twitter.com/jonrowlandson/status/627900094923296769
17.
https://twitter.com/pandorasinbox/status/876889002917453824
18.
I still think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/J7ckeGEQNV
— Ruthanne Reid/Trin (@RuthanneReid) December 4, 2017
19.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
— josh (fiendlord99) (@oldfriend99) November 18, 2017
20.
[sinister narrator voice] sometimes… you don't want to get better pic.twitter.com/5jJWTDaaze
— allison (@girlinabasement) November 28, 2017
