21.
me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY"
girl: "dude, this is a library"
me: "oh" [screwing on a silencer] "ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵇᵒᵈʸ ᶫᶦˢᵗᵉᶰ ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᵃ ʳᵒᵇᵇᵉʳʸ"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) November 28, 2017
22.
Can't stop looking at this photo of a cat falling off a table. pic.twitter.com/eJcitddCGd
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyosexwhale) June 6, 2016
23.
The Time Person of the Year should be the same every year: the person inside Big Bird, for resisting the urge to kill.
— Dan Yule-ish Last Name (@danjan13) November 25, 2017
24.
Damn I never realize how bad my potty mouth gets at school until I'm home for the holidays and I accidentally tell my gram to pass the fucking potatoes
— Andee (@andeee_o) December 23, 2017
25.
julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me
— Better things are possible (@InternetHippo) October 21, 2017
26.
https://twitter.com/rudy_mustang/status/714867479567314944
27.
Shout out to all the early humans who died figuring out what plants we can and can't eat.
— Eliza Skinner – album availble now (@elizaskinner) November 30, 2017
28.
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
— Brandon Carbaugh (@BMCarbaugh) June 4, 2017
29.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they're burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 3, 2017
30.
Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting. pic.twitter.com/NBgRuVNppg
— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) June 7, 2015