Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been a retweet of some funny tweets from long ago. Either way, these were the 15 funniest tweets of the week.
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
HUSBAND: yes
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 30, 2016
how does Time Warner not make alarm clocks
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) March 29, 2016
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
DARRYL, SOCRATES’ FRIEND: fuck him up socrates— leon (@leyawn) April 8, 2015
1996: if I just made 40k I’d be fine
2006: if I just made 60k I’d be fine
2016: if I just made 9 million dollars I’d be fine
— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) March 29, 2016
“Dad, did you get a new fighting game from Gamestop like promised?”
Sorry, bud
“No Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter?”
They were all Tekken
— Terry F (@daemonic3) March 29, 2016
I tried to face swap with my brother’s dog. pic.twitter.com/q23rlQWful
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 28, 2016
[during sex]
Me: what’s wrong honey u seem distracted
Her: [trying to solve rubik’s cube]— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 27, 2016
Plastic beer can holders can have a devastating effect on wildlife if not disposed of correctly. pic.twitter.com/Lhx8NVLZAv
— Mat (@MatCro) March 26, 2016
Get you a man who can do both
(picture of me wearing a shirt)
(picture of me wearing a different shirt)
Get you a man who has 2 shirts— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 26, 2016
If a bird showed up at a Trump rally Ann Coulter would appear, unhinge her jaw and swallow it whole.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 26, 2016
Wife: Just stick to the grocery list
Me: I am
Wife: Nothing but what’s on the list
Me: [crossing fingers] I promise pic.twitter.com/nnfCpQRwLc— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 25, 2016
Why are batman and superman fighting? Both people in the fight can’t be wearing capes. Then it just looks like that’s what the fight’s about
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) March 25, 2016
Doctor: show me where it hurts.
[shows him my bank account balance]
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 24, 2016
his palms are sweaty
knees weak
arms are heavy
there’s pic.twitter.com/wTjpK19Kub— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016
[neck deep in quicksand]
THROW ME THE ROPE
[rope sails past me]
OK MY HANDS ARE BURIED, I SHOULD’VE THOUGHT OF THAT. MY BAD— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 24, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.
