Masha
When your partner says they heard you talking in your sleep, everyone’s first thought is usually “Oh, shit, did I reveal any deep, dark secrets?”
Luckily, the majority of the time sleep talking is pure gibberish, so most of us can rest easy.
Not so much for a Kansas couple and his girlfriend, Twitter user @Sleep_Sayings, who meticulously chronicles the weird things her boyfriend mutters while catching Zs.
From the smell of eyeballs to the duck who stole the remote control to believing he’s Jon Snow, @Sleep_Sayings has shared some pretty hilarious tweets during the course of their relationship, racking up almost 21K followers while doing so.
Here are some of the choicest of sleep quotes…
1.
Him: "I'm gonna give him a fossil."
Me: "A fossil?"
Him: "Yeah, a fuck-you-saurus."— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) August 23, 2016
2.
"Spaghetti is hair for meatballs."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 6, 2017
3.
I saw you with the apple.
Whore.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 26, 2016
4.
Him: "THE TREES ARE COMING CAITLIN."
Me: "…why?"
Him: "Do I look like I know?"— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) April 23, 2017
5.
No octopus you can't do that!!
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 19, 2015
6.
"Butterfly you made a mistake walking in front of me."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 11, 2016
7.
Him: What color is the diamond?
Me: What?
Him: WHAT COLOR IS IT
Me: idk, black??
Him: What are you, stupid?— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 11, 2015
8.
"Where are my pancakes, penguin?"
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) February 8, 2017
9.
Your eyeballs smell like eyeballs
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) February 17, 2016
10.
"…but I wanna be Mary Poppins."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) May 13, 2017
11.
"Do you know where the TV remote is? No? I'll just ask the duck."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) September 1, 2016
12.
"I'm the barbarian. I have the stick."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) June 9, 2017
13.
"And as you know, I'm Hawaii."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) April 14, 2017
14.
"No. You're a shit princess."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) February 25, 2017
15.
"Don't take my toes. What are you doing??"
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) May 9, 2017
16.
"They took all my dinosaurs… All of them."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) December 7, 2016
17.
"But the gremlin has my money!"
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) May 26, 2017
18.
Him: "Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross GROSS!!"
Me: "What??"
Him: "I don't want to have sex covered in mayo!!"— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) September 14, 2016
19.
"I only eat chipotle because they like my boots."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) June 17, 2016
20.
"I don't know what the hell to tell you, cat, but you're not doing that."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 19, 2016
21.
Why is it doing that. Why is it cold. Get me a leg.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 28, 2015
22.
I don't care, I'm getting tigers.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 8, 2016
23.
"Don't let Mario win… Not with guacamole!"
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) March 4, 2016
24.
Aw yisssssss mother fucking apples
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 30, 2016
25.
"Quit flying and lay down, dog."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) March 10, 2017
26.
https://twitter.com/Sleep_Sayings/status/766833199909437440
27.
"I request a warrant for some alone time… With the pillow…"
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 17, 2016
28.
Him: "Should be interesting."
Me: "What should be?"
Him: "Texas in the Third World War."— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) April 26, 2016
29.
"I lost the ostrich."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) April 17, 2016
30.
"You can't fucking wear that… The burrito is bad."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) May 27, 2016
31.
Him: "Please don't."
Me: "Don't what?"
Him: "You know."— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) March 19, 2016
32.
"John snow is me."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) May 9, 2016
33.
"I need a refund for the toenails."
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 26, 2016
34.
HEY. don't pee on it.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 3, 2015
35.
There's never enough nacho cheese.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) December 4, 2015
