Emily
Not everyone is gifted with the ability to instantly spout a witty comeback in the middle of an argument. For me, the ideal response doesn’t pop into my brain until about five minutes too late and I’m forced to solely imagine how it would have been received.
However, there are those moments when the perfect comeback just rolls off your tongue at exactly the right time. Just take it from these Redditors who are sharing the wittiest comebacks they’ve ever used and you might want to take notes.
1.
Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state “One coupon per purchase”.After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threateneing a lawsuit (lol). As he was heading for the door, he said “You can’t afford to mess with me!” I shouted after him, “You can’t afford a large pizza!”
2.
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, ” Are they going to get married? I’m just not ready to be a Great Grandmother.”
“Well, you could try being a good one, first.”
3.
My older brother was trying to make fun of me in front of his friends for being really grossed out by sex and anything of that nature in my early teens.
He said check this out: “tits, big dick, ass, vagina” Trying to gross me
Seeing as he was a big chubby I said “the only thing you have on that list is tits”
Came out of nowhere.
4.
Not me, but a friend of mine. As students, a group of townies were shouting abuse at us. My buddy shouted abuse back and one of them said “you’re playing a dangerous game – do you know who my Dad is?”
My friend responded, “No – do you?”
5.
My husband (he’s a big fella) said ‘don’t touch what you can’t afford’ to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied ‘ not if I’m paying by the pound(lb)’
I didn’t mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it.
6.
When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, “Hello?” and she immediately said, “I just want you to know that I’m having much better sex now.”
I replied with, “… Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!” and hung up. I have never been that witty since.
7.
I dated this girl for 10 months who was sort of a trainwreck, but it was kind of understandable since she basically grew up in foster care and didn’t speak to any of her family. She was ultimately abusive and cheated on me with a guy we’ll call Derek. A few months post breakup she texted me “just wanted you to know I’m fucking Derek again right now and he’s way better than you.” I texted back “that’s cool, I’m having dinner with my family who loves me so I guess we’veboth got reason to be jealous.”
8.
At Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?”
I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered “By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery.”
9.
I used to work as a carpenter’s assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you’ll ever need.
One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: “A real carpenter doesn’t need more than a 16 ouncer!”
I replied, “You’ve been listening to your wife too much.”
“Huh?”
“She’s been telling you size doesn’t matter, right?”
10.
One of the greatest comebacks ever witnessed was from a friend of mine who had blacked out drunk on the sofa at a party and had been basically unconcious for over an hour.
Other friend walks in and lets us know that some of the girls we know are coming, one who my friend didn’t like.
He shouts out “Hey Chris, your girlfriend will be here soon”
He rolls over eyes still closed and grumbles out “I didn’t know your mum went out this late.”
Rolls over back to sleep.
11.
I’m big guy, 6’6″ 270ish lbs and this happened about 2 years ago. I was grocery shopping with my wife and went looking for something that was on the list, I don’t remember what. I was heading up one of the aisles when I crossed paths with a shorter dude that was obviously on some type of upper. He was bouncing all over the place looking for something.
He noticed me as I passed him and he stops and says, “Wow, you’re a big fella.”
I reply, “Yes I am.” I constantly get this remark.
As I’m continuing by him he states, “I could take you though.”
I stopped and put a surprised look on my face and exclaimed, “Really?! All 12 inches?!”
His face went red, “Fuck you.”
I smiled at him and said, “That’s the spirit!”
He mumbled something and walked away. That was probably my best comeback ever.
12.
This wasn’t a comeback, but a witty burn for sure. On the bus in high school, a girl (who frequently annoyed me with her loud story telling) was telling everyone about how she was getting hit on by one of the trash collectors while waiting for the bus. Typically I was the quiet kid who kept to myself, but this time I chimed in with “I think he was just trying to dohis job…”
13.
My then-girlfriend & I were arguing over something petty.
“You’re heartless”
“Only because you stole it”
She “aww””d and then went back into argue-mode.
14.
Not exactly a comeback, but my coworker was complaining about her teenage son’s behavior, how she was doing everything she could, and how his therapist wasn’t doing anything that seemed to help. Exasperated, she exclaimed, “How do you medicate an asshole?”
“With a suppository,” I replied.
15.
Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggothat I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much.
Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I’m not huge fans of) and one girl said “Hey, how’s your job picking up dog shit?”. I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn’t have a job and is working on her “music career”….
I responded with, “Good. Speaking of dog shit, how’s your music career going?”
Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
16.
I was at a John Oliver stand-up show, and he told a story about how one time before a show, a fan came up to him and gave him an entire bicycle. I don’t remember much more than that, but the whole bit was essentially how crazy and memorable and weird it was to be presented with an entire cycle by a stranger.
Some time after this, I realllllly had to go to the bathroom. I was sitting in the front row and didn’t want to draw attention to myself (or miss anything) but I couldn’t wait, so I got up and started walking down the aisle towards the back. As I feared, Oliver noticed and called me out: “Oi, you! Where do you think you’re going?”
Without missing a beat I turned around and said, “Oh – to get your bike!” Everyone laughed, he laughed, I got to pee. It’s a good memory.
17.
My older sister is very upset that I am taller than her. Only by a few inches but it still angers her. One day, she was being especially annoying so… Me – “Remember, I’m still taller than you!” Sister – “Yeah but my tits are bigger!” Me – “even if you put your tits on your head, I’d still be taller than you!”
She got so red-faced until my dad started laughing. She still brings it up to this day.
h/t Reddit
