It’s that time of the week again, folks. The time when we bring you our highly-coveted list of all of the most hilarious tweets from women over the past week. Because there’s no better way to kick off the weekend than with some downright funny ladies.
So, without further ado, please enjoy the lovely female comedians of Twitter and try not to pee your pants from laughter.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
— Sara Morse (@saramorseyy) February 27, 2019
the process of moving is not worth it. live exactly where you live now til you die.
— marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) February 28, 2019
*walks into a room*
Me: what did I come in here for?
My brain: https://t.co/TxKEMDMtDa
— 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲 (@kayyorkcity) February 28, 2019
STOP blocking your momma from your posts… let her see the hoe she raised
— HONEY 🍯 (@ahenewaaa) February 26, 2019
due to personal reasons i will be going completely off the fucking rails
— asia (@sadlilthingx) February 13, 2019
Are these the only two options pic.twitter.com/Whdc2cN7Tn
— Alison Segel (@OnlineAlison) February 27, 2019
Just cause I liked yo pic from 36 weeks ago doesn’t make me THIRSTY I’m just saying u ain’t looked good in a while
— bertha (@mrsratburn) February 26, 2019
my cousin has a michael myers mask and he can’t stop wearing it pic.twitter.com/kzvog7VhKA
— gissell (@GIZZZYO) February 25, 2019
what if public libraries were open late every night and we could engage in public life there instead of having to choose between drinking at the bar and domestic isolation
— erin glass (@erinroseglass) February 23, 2019
oh my god congratulations pic.twitter.com/VM4z7IdEDr
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 21, 2019
the mic drop equivalent on a group text is when you write something, send, and then boldly toss phone aside and leave the room to “let it ride”
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 26, 2019
ladies if he:
– takes hours to text back
– chooses fortnite over you
– leeches off you for money
– doesn’t care about school
– talks about how hot your sister is
that’s not your man that’s my ex Jonathan i miss you
— Anu (@anugov1) February 28, 2019
thinking about yelling, “thar she blows” the next time i cum
— jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) March 1, 2019
I’ve been putting off shaving my legs for an hour now. Well like, two months and one hour, but whatever
— Mela. (@mela_shea) February 28, 2019
Me as a host: Here’s an assortment of novelty chocolates and 36 options for tea and coffee. I’ve placed tiny bells all over the house so if you need something just ring. Please take whatever cash is in my wallet.
Me as a guest: Tap water sounds amazing 🙂
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) February 28, 2019