Ruin My Week
11.
“Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.” –cooper284
12.
“A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life. Three beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks “Have you ever been hugged before?” “No” says the man. So she hugs him and walks on. The second woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks “Have you ever been kissed before?” “No” the man replies sorrowfully. So she kisses him and walks on. The third woman also walks up to the man and asks him “Have you ever been f—ked before?” “No…” says the man now with a tear in his eye. “Well that’s what you’re gonna be when the tide comes in” –Youpunyhumans
13.
“What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? Gagged.” –Lifeless_husk47
14.
“What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.” –Psychological_Cook69
15.
“An older man is in the hospital and has the oxygen mask on, a new nurse comes in to give him a sponge bath and he asks her in a muffled voice, “Are my testicles black?” She looks at him embarrassed and tells him, “sorry sir, I’m just here to clean your upper body, you’d need the doctor here for that.”
The man stayed silent until finally after some time he asks her again, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed but figuring that the old man seems stressed and she doesn’t want his pressure to rise she removes the blanket and puts his testicles in her hand to examine them. “No sir, your testicles seem fine.”
The old man removes his mask and speaks again this time clearly, “Thank you nurse that’s reassuring, now listen carefully, are my test results back?” –hereforthenosleep13
16.
“What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? One is a Goodyear, the other is a f—king fantastic year!” –guitar_collector
17.
“Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 20 meters away…” –billjoman
18.
“Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.” –stateofmind109
19.
“I was with my uncle at a pub and he tells me, “Lad see that their table, I built that table with me own two hands, spent days cutting and sanding the wood, but does anybody call me Billy the table maker? Noooo!” Then he points out the door to the dock and says, “See that there dock, I put long days and late nights into that dock, but does anybody call me Billy the dock builder? NOOOO!” Then he grabs his pint and take a swig and says, “BUT YOU F—K ONE GOAT…” –heyitsyourboileo
20.
“What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s finger.” –Unl0vableDarkness
