There’s An Online Group Dedicated To People Sharing Their Favorite One-Liners —Here Are 27 Of Our Favorites

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille.

If your Tesla gets stolen, is it called an Edison now?

Why the hell did they name them ‘Soldier ants’ and not ‘Combatants’?

“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke but you guys didn’t like it

If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20

Superglue can also be used for cleaning your computer keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for the night, set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life but I’m just not buying it.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not

Humans are scared of hippos because they’re violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year, so that’s just being hippocritical.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders” have not followed up with a body wash called, “Knees and toes.”

Like most men my age, I’m 51.

“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

It’s crazy that it’s July 5th and people are still setting off fireworks, one nearly set my Christmas tree on fire.

I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels, so I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Dropped a tub of margarine on my foot last month and it still hurts, I can’t believe it’s not better.

At a job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure, I said no but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

It’s kind of disgraceful that even after 50 years many people have no idea who Neil Armstrong was, let alone what kind of trumpet he played.

The adjective for metal is metallic but not so for iron, which is ironic.

My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party and that’s when I realized he was my favorite twin.

As a kid, I thought a warehouse was a man who at full moon turned into a house.