Ruin My Week
11.
“Two irishmen are stranded out in the ocean. After floating for weeks, the food stores are running low. one of them spots a lamp floating in the water. They fish it out and start cleaning it when a genie pops out.
The genie says “you woke me up from a nice nap, but rules are rules. I’ll grant you 1 wish. Choose wisely.”
Without even thinking one of them shouts “I wish the whole ocean were made of Guinness.”
“It is done!” The genie says and disappears.
The second man looks at the first and say “you f–king idiot, now we have to piss in the boat.” –Snow_Da_92
12.
“If a blind woman tells you you have the largest penis she’s ever felt, she might be pulling your leg.” –mikeriley66
13.
“A man in an interrogation room says to the policeman: “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer!?”
“Exactly, so where’s my present?”” –Anura83
14.
“A man has a tree he loves in his backyard, but a monkey has climbed it and is refusing to leave. Feeling desperate the man calls a monkey removal specialist. When the specialist arrives he’s carrying a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs, a stick, and a small dog. Obviously the man is curious so he asks,
“What is all of this for?” The specialist smiles and proudly responds,
“It’s a monkey removal technique that I developed myself. First I climb the tree and begin hitting the monkey with the stick, once the monkey falls out of the tree my dog is specially trained and will begin to attack the monkey’s balls. The monkey will instinctively try to protect his balls with his hands, at which point I’ll put the handcuffs on him and take him away!”
“Ok, but what is the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the dog”” –ginger_gimp
15.
“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and fuck your mother.” –BodySnag
16.
“A man is brought to the gallows to be executed. As they’re putting the noose around his neck, he’s asked if he has any last requests. he asked for a high five.
But they left him hanging.” –Red_Shepherd_13
17.
“Two whales were swimming through the ocean when they came upon a naval ship, one of the whales whose father had been killed by a naval ship, said to the other – let’s use our blow holes to overturn that naval ship! A naval ship killed my father, and I want my revenge. The other whale said sure, I’ll help you, so they used their blow holes as blew and blew and the ship overturned, leaving all the people on the ship stranded in the water. The whale whose father had been killed wasn’t sated by just overturning the ship by blowing and seeing all the people in the water he became vengeful — ‘let’s eat them!, they killed my father’
The other whale demurred and said ‘hey, I was with you for the blow job. But I refuse to swallow sea men’” –Testing_The_Theory
18.
“What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.” –blankforge
19.
“A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady.
The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!?”” –Emperor_Cartagia
20.
“A Priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit what’ll you have? The rabbit says I don’t know I’m only here because of autocorrect.” –mikeriley66
