Kate Hackett
u/NotAdoptingHerBaby asked the Am I The Asshole community a pretty simple question:
“AITA for not adopting my wife’s child?”
But, of course, the story does start to get a little more complex than just that. Let’s let him tell it…
I (27M) used to have a wonderful relationship with the woman I love (26F). However, five years ago, she got drunk, had a one night stand, and got pregnant from it. Can’t be mine, I can’t have kids due to a horseback riding injury when I was a teen. Didnt get the guys name, no way to find him, so he’s out of the picture. My wife decided to keep it, and we almost went through a divorce, but couples therapy made us decide to try again. We’re still in therapy now, since I still have a hard time trusting her.
Well…. it’s not just “not his kid”, it’s a child born of an affair the woman had when she cheated on OP.
So, she had her son. We talked a lot about it, and I made it clear that I’m ok taking on a step-parent role, but I wasnt willing to fully be his dad. I wouldnt adopt him, but I would help raise him and get him off to college. My wife agreed to this, became a stay at home mom so she could take care of him with help from her parents, and I’ve pretty much been the fun uncle like guy. I play with him, buy him games, try my best to not resent him (and I am in therapy for this), and mostly just stay out of the way of my wife’s parenting. He even calls me “Uncle,” instead of dad. He knows I’m not his father, and is just happy to play video games with me and chill.
Fun uncle sounds like a pretty okay compromise, though I’ll admit I’m side-eying that the dude has to TRY not to JUDGE the goddamn CHILD, who did nothing.
Well, recently, my wife has started talking about me adopting him, something I’m not willing to do. I made it clear that if anything happened, he would go live with her parents, and I’d send child support. If they couldn’t take him, I wouldnt put him in foster care or anything, but I also wasnt willing to take on the responsibility of being his father when I’m not. I’m happy being an Uncle to another man’s kid, since thats what life threw at me.
Wait, he’d send child support to a kid that isn’t his? But he won’t adopt the child?
This has greatly upset her, and she’s trying to find a way to force me into adopting him. She’s even been manipulating the poor kid, saying he should start calling me dad instead of uncle like he has his entire life, which is upsetting and confusing the poor boy. This situation has worked for the last 5 years, and I dont know why she’s trying to change something that isnt broken, or force me into a role I told her years ago I wasnt willing to accept, which she was fine with until just recently.
Aaaand mom’s a dick.
Update – after reading everything, I told my wife I was leaving and pursuing that divorce. I think I’ve been ready to do so for a while, but just needed the push. This has led to a complete melt down, but I stayed firm, packed everything up, and moved in with my brother across town. I have already contact the landlord to tell him I would pay for 2 more months rent. After that, everything needs to be switched to her.
So the dude is going to leave his wife.
Talking to my lawyer, it was verified that, due to the process I went through after the birth to establish I wasnt the father, I would not have to pay child support or alimony, which is something very rare and uncommon anyway where I live. He’s already working on the paperwork. No idea when it’ll all happen, but once it does I’ll cut full contact.
Yeah, that’s what I thought re: child support!
My wife has tried to call and text multiple times, but I’ve refused to talk. I’ll post another update when I know more.
Okay, so! What was Reddit’s verdict?!
Officially, Reddit has this labeled as “Everyone Sucks”, but I’m kind of unsure why, so let’s do a dive into some of the replies.
ESH This is a mess. You should not adopt a child you don’t want. He should have a parent or parents who are enthusiastic. But you also are putting them in an bad position by planning to be present while demonstrating what I can only call a wedge between you and your wife where the child witnesses it. But this is her fault as well. She entered an agreement that she might have assumed would be temporary. But she shouldn’t have. And no child should be foisted upon someone reluctant to commit to parenting them.
Agree with this. EDIT: ESH
Not sure how old the kid is, but at some point he’s likely going to pick up on the funky situation y’all have going on and that would likely lead to some emotional trauma.
Plus, it’s super shitty that she’s manipulating the child against you. That’s some serious emotional blackmail.
And this is the one I think is 100% right:
So what do you think?
