Patricia Grisafi
Sometimes, you have to do stuff you don’t want to do. If you have children, this becomes even more apparent. One mom on Reddit is facing this reality as a result of her ex-husband’s passing.
Her daughter wants her to come to the funeral, but the OP refuses. Now, there is a rift growing between the two because of the mother’s decision to not attend no matter what. Truly, this OP needs to be there to support her daughter and put her discomfort aside.
“My ex-husband (my daughter’s father) passed away 2 days ago at the age of (36). My 16 year old daughter begged that I go with her to the funeral because she said she doesn’t know anyone there and needs my support and guidance. I refused because I did not feel comfortable and then seeing my former in-laws..it’s just not worth the pain, plus that her grandparents and her younger uncle that she adores so much will be there so that is good enough. I also offered to have my brother drive her there and return her home later, but she refused and kept begging that I go with her. I told her no and that I have my reasons and that’s it,” the OP writes.
“She unloaded on me yesterday calling me bitter and selfish, and said that my hatred for her dad is still there and is disgusting. I was really hurt. I had an argument with her but didn’t punish her for what she called me because, she’s grieving and is processing her father’s passing. I just cut the argument and told her to go upstairs. She went inside her room and refused to come out for lunch and dinner. My boyfriend tried to stay with her and get her to eat but she refused.”
“He told me later that this is obviously something my daughter is not dealing with properly and suggested I just go to the funeral because if I don’t then there will be lasting resentment from my daughter. I went to bed but couldn’t sleep over this. I feel like just because she wants this doesn’t mean I just go with it. I never push her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do.”
The OP adds that this isn’t about infidelity or her ex-husband being abusive:
“Just a minute for those who are suspecting that there’s a girlfriend there that I don’t want to see – No, nothing like that. My ex husband never dated after me because he was dealing with multiple chronic conditions, which is the main reason for our separation. My daughter never wanted us to divorce and she blamed me when the court granted me custody because her dad was not able to care for her. I don’t hate my ex husband, he’s my daughter’s father and losing him is devastating for me, that is why I wanted to grief in peace. As for my in-laws, they resent me for initiating divorce in the first place and accused me of abandoning their son.”
What do Redditors think?
“YTA. That’s your 16 year old daughter and you’re just not willing to support her doing the hardest thing she will ever do? You’re not a mum. You just gave birth to her,” said pinguthegreek.
“My exH and I don’t get along at all. He did some pretty nasty things to our kids and me after we split. If he died, I would not want to go to his funeral, either, but I would suck it up and go if one of my kids needed me to go for emotional support,” shared 3TreeTraveller.
“YTA, I understand that it will be hard for you, but it’s harder for her. Her dad is dead and she needs her mother. Step up,” stated Comfortable_Stop_717.
“YTA. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! This is about your daughter, who wants your support at her other parent’s funeral. What other moments will you miss because you refuse to be in the same place as her paternal fault? Graduation? Her wedding? How many times in her 16 years have you forced her to choose between you? Get over yourself and go to the damn funeral,” said Alarming-Leather-317.
“YTA you don’t want to go because you would be uncomfortable and the pain from seeing former in-laws!! You’re an actual joke your daughter has just lost her dad and she wants the only remaining parent there to support her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to speak to you after that because honestly that’s just so so selfish of you,” said ComprehensivePea73.
“What kind of illness did he have, and did you divorce because he was ill? Why? Is it more shame that you’re avoiding by not facing his family? Because if so, that’s selfish. What you could do to avoid a scene with your ex-in-laws is reach out to them (maybe the young uncle, or whoever you’re on best terms with), give your condolences, explain that your daughter is begging you to go to the funeral to support her, and ask if it’s alright with them to attend to pay your respects and be there for their daughter. Throw in a helping hand, even, if you can manage it. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved grief and guilt about this but being there for your daughter is more important. I’d highly recommend therapy for both of you, it sounds like a lot to process,” suggested FiftyShadesOfGregg.
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