Kate Hackett
Is it ever ok to dump chores on your partner? That sounds like I’m here to trick you with a sudden case of — wait, yes it is okay for this one person to do that! — so you’re just going to have to read on to figure out if that’s true or not.
u/lsmold recently asked the Reddit community on Am I The Asshole if he was wrong for “letting my girlfriend do most of the household chores because she doesn’t pay as much of the rent as I do?”
OP explains that he works a higher-paying job than his girlfriend. They therefore split expenses to accommodate her lower-paying gig.
I (24M) work for a very prominent company and get paid a lot better than my girlfriend (23F). We both moved to a different state for my job, and she ended up with a very toxic work environment with a boss who was sexist and homophobic. She hated her job and ended up getting a new one that pays a lot less than her old one, and has asked me to take on the responsibility of paying most of the rent.
The girlfriend does most of the cleaning. Like… from this list, seems like all of it.
Since we have been in this new state, she has done most of the cleaning. I contribute by doing the dishes sometimes and washing the laundry (she folds it). She is the only one who cleans the bathroom, the kitchen, and the only one who sweeps, mops, and vacuums along with other random chores here and there.
But recently, she’s begun to feel like things are pretty inequitable. Dude doesn’t even know where the vacuum is!
It’s been about 8 months since we moved and everything was fine until recently. The other day she asked me to vacuum the living room and I said I didn’t know where the vacuum was. Since then, she keeps bringing up how I need to do more of the housework, but I feel like because I contribute more to the rent she should be responsible for keeping the apartment clean. I also do the dishes sometimes and do stuff she asks me to do.
So he’s tried to pitch in more— but woof. It’s marginal. His GF has started to just leave cleaning chores for him.
I’ve done more of the dishes since she brought it up (doing them maybe once a week instead of once every other week). She now leaves cleaning tasks for me to do without telling me about them and then gets upset when they aren’t done. If she just asked me to clean those parts of the apartment then I would.
She is now dealing with the mental load (see this excellent comic if you’re unfamiliar) of a boyfriend who can’t figure out how to live.
She claims that I should know what needs to get done and just do them myself without making her bring it up first. Eventually she gets frustrated and just cleans by herself.
The GF works the SAME NUMBER OF HOURS as the boyfriend does. She also pays for groceries and his gas … what on earth?
I’m also tired from working when I get home and I just want to relax or finish my work. She works the same amount of hours as me, but her job is much less demanding than mine so she is less drained by the end of the day. She does pay for our groceries and my gas sometimes as well as other little things here and there.
But without discussion with her, he continues to believe he’s right for not cleaning because he pays more for rent.
I don’t think I’m an asshole for expecting her to contribute with the housework since I contribute more financially. AITA for letting her do most of cleaning since I pay for most of the rent?
Reddit was swift in its judgment:
“YTA. This argument comes up in every damn relationship I swear… She works the same amount of hours as you AND does basically ALL of the cleaning? Does she do the cooking too? She is looking for help. Literally. That’s it. Maybe the amount of cleaning she has done over the past 8 months has her BURNT OUT. Did you ever think of that??” wrote one user.
He answered a few questions about the spilt, 60/40, and that he knows where the cleaning supplies are.
Edit: I just want to answer some of the more common questions I’ve been seeing. We both work the same amount of hours each week. She has agreed that her job is less demanding than mine. We split the rent 60/40 so I pay about 60% of it right now. Her health concerns aren’t an every day thing, but they come up a few times a month. I know where the vacuum is now. After receiving the comments I have, I really need to sit and reflect on how I am acting in this relationship. I recognize now that I have truly and deeply made a mistake with thinking paying more of the rent means that I should do less of the housework. I really love her and I value her so much, and I’ve clearly done a horrible job at showing that.
OP also realized, and bless him for doing so, that he was wrong — he said he spoke to his girlfriend and hopes she forgives him.
Update: I appreciate those of you defending me in the comments, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I am the asshole. Please don’t say anything negative about my girlfriend since she has not done anything wrong. She’s tried talking to me about this and I have not been receptive. I’m sorry for not responding to people, I was having a conversation with her. There’s nothing I can do to make up for the past 8 months, and I was an idiot to think that my financial contribution was great enough to warrant not doing any chores. I would do anything to keep her, and I messed up thinking that this was a small issue. I hope she forgives me for not taking her concerns seriously, and I hope I can create an environment where she feels comfortable confronting me in the future if I’m EVER acting like this again. It shouldn’t have come down to strangers on the internet telling me I’m an asshole to realize this, but thank you all for the wake up call so much. I am never going to dismiss her or all the hard work she puts into this relationship and our life together again. Im going to start doing the majority of the chores for the time being. I’m also going to start paying more of the rent since I do make more. I don’t pay more of the rent to have a housekeeper, I pay more of the rent because I love her and I want to support her. Thank you all again for the reality check.
