Kate Hackett
It’s important to be generous and gracious toward your friends, but sometimes they push a little too far.
Redditor u/South_Marine3167 recently asked the AITA subreddit if she was in the wrong for “canceling a check of $12,000 that I wrote for my infertile friend for her next IVF cycle over a joke?”
It’s a big story, so buckle in.
OP explains that she is infertile and after trying very hard, her husband divorced her and married a younger woman who could have kids. My heart just BREAKS.
I (F35) am infertile. My ex husband and I tried everything to have kids but it just never happened. He divorced me, went and married someone younger who was able to give him a kid and from what I gather, they’re expecting a second child together. It hurts like hell seeing someone else have what I couldn’t. I get frustrated with myself sometimes and with family blaming me for basically everything.
She says that it’s been very hard and has turned to her friends for support. One friend is in a similar infertility place & is trying IVF.
I turn to my friends for support, especially “Alessia,” she’s in the same “infertility boat” as me but she and her husband are currently trying IVF hoping it’d work.
When her friend asked OP for financial help for IVF, OP happily wrote a VERY large check – 12 grand!
Alessia asked me for help to pay for her upcoming IVF cycle. I agreed to write her a check of $12,000, I really wanted to help her and the money came with no strings attached. I wrote the check and gave it to her last week. She was very appreciative of it.
And then OP received a message from a mutual friend — a screen shot of a conversation with Alessia.
The very next day, I got a sudden message from a mutual friend “Carol” with a screenshot of the conversation she had with Alessia.
Alessia made a comment saying she hoped the cycle worked because she didn’t want to end up, essentially, like OP. UGH. What a gut punch.
Turns out she and Alessia were talking about the next IVF cycle, and Alessia said she hoped the cycle would work because “she didn’t wanna end up divorced, and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way! While she’s alone and without a family at 35! (She’s 32). I was stunned and…hurt, I knew she meant me here.
OP just canceled the check with her bank and said nothing. Alessia found out and called and thought she was just joking around.
But I did not confront her I simply contacted my bank and cancelled the check. In the evening, Alessia called to ask why I cancelled the check and I told her. She went batshit saying she didn’t mean it that way and that she thought that this was somewhat an “inside joke” between “desperate infertile women”.
The next day, Alessia and her husband tried to beg OP for the check again — the conversation went poorly.
She came over with her husband the next day begging I write another check but I refused. An argument ensued and her husband thought I wasn’t being supportive of her like when she supported me throughtout my struggles. She left crying and we haven’t talked since then. Her husband keeps reminding me (while repeatedly calling Carol a toxic snake) of the date of the next cycle saying they can’t have it after I took the money that was supposed to pay for it back!
Some friends have suggested that OP was being very sensitive, so now she’s a little unsure of herself.
Some friends thinks I’m being oversensitive. Carol’s on my side telling me to tell them to go to hell but I feel so bad about it. What I’ve done might just damage our 15 years of friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t have cancelled it but I just felt so offended by what she said about me and how she basically mocked my unfortunate circumstances.
so reddit, AITA?
OP did post an update saying she was going to put some space between her and Alessia.
Hello again! And Wow thank you so so much for all this support and compassion that you’ve shown me. I could feel it through my screen (LOL 😅🤣) I have decided I’m going to put some distance between me and Alessia. Things have been rough lately and I think that distance is what I need right now especially for my mental health. After reading some comments here I now feel less heavy and more relieved. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still feel completely and utterly shocked by Alessia’s behavior. It’s a shame having to come to the realization that even those who are supportive of you the most, could cause as much harm.
Oh and by the way, I sent Carol a link for this thread to see what her thoughts were and she just laughed. She was kind of angry I used her real name but relieved that I used a throwaway LOL.
Pretty cruel thing – I sure HOPE it was just a joke. Reddit was pretty adamant that OP was NOT the asshole.
“15y of friendship, but only now is she showing her real face and how she devalues OP for not having a child and for her husband having left her. In the words of Maya Angelou, when people show you who they are, believe them,” wrote one person.
Another said, “NTA. Let the friends calling you too sensitive open their check books.”
