Kate Hackett
Hoo boy, Reddit sure hates these posts about a parent offering to help one child but not the other. Cannot possibly imagine why.
So in today’s episode of “Jesus, did you really think you were not an asshole here?” we have u/NewOffice2404 wondering if he was wrong “for telling my daughter she can’t go to her dream school but paying for my son to go to his?”
OP has two kids that he raised alone. Both kids are great with good grades.
I’m 49m and I have 2 children, Jake (23) and Nikki (17). Their mother and I are divorced. I have full custody and she sends no support. Both of my kids are good kids and good students with good grades.
His son was offered a spot at his dream school with no scholarships. OP didn’t want his son saddled with debt, so he is paying for the college to the tune of 50k per year.
Jake got into his dream school but didn’t get any scholarships. His undergrad school is one of the best school in our part of the country and it’s expensive. I didn’t want him to take out loans and have to carry a debt so I’m paying for his tuition and living expenses. The total cost is roughly $50,000 a year.
The son is going to school to be a dentist; OP is absolutely fine with all of this.
He’s following in our family tradition and pursuing a career in dentistry (I’m not a dentist but we have about a dozen dentists and oral surgeons in our family). I will also be paying for his dentistry degree. While I know it will be costly, I view this as a good investment as he’ll have a starting salary of about $120,000 as a dentist in our area. If he decides to become an oral surgeon, his starting salary will almost double that figure.
His daughter is in a similar boat: dream school, probably no scholarships. Her school will be a bit more expensive than her brother’s.
Nikki is a senior in HS. Like her brother, she’s a good student and will have a good chance of getting into her dream school but she has a low chance of getting any scholarships. Her dream school is also a very good one located in the middle of a very expensive city. Tuition and living expenses will be roughly $75,000 a year.
However, OP’s daughter wants to be a teacher. The salary for teachers is roughly half — even less — than what her brother will make after school.
The problem is that she’s dreamt of being a teacher since she was little and have made it clear she will be an education major because she wants to be a middle school teacher. The other problem is that the salary for middle school teachers in our area is $48,000-$60,000 in our area. I fully realize that she can move and work elsewhere but I can’t imagine there are many middle school teacher in the US making 6 figures.
OP does not want to shell out $300k for a career that doesn’t pay well. He’s viewing his kids as “investments”, which is all KINDS of frigging gross and weird.
I don’t view paying $300,000+ for a career that tops out at $60,000 as a wise investment. I told my daughter that the state school that’s 2 hours away have a good education program and her instate tuition and living expenses will only be about $20,000 a year. I view paying $80,000 for a teaching degree as a much better investment.
So OP told his daughter to go to a cheaper school. His daughter is obviously upset — and now OP is somehow torn.
I’ve tried discussing the matter with Nikki but she gets distraught every time I’ve brought it up. She cries and accuses me of favoring Jake and being a sexist which is not true. I told her if she picks a major with a $100,000 starting salary, I’ll gladly pay for her to go to her dream school but there’s no way I’m paying $300,000 for her to be a teacher. Now she’s got family members involved. Some are staying out of it, some agree with me, and some are telling me not to play favorites.
I feel terrible so I’m beginning to doubt myself. Am I wrong?
He offered a few explanations that in no way make him sound better. He told his daughter to pick a better paying degree.
Edit to answer a recurring question:
I thought I made it clear but apparently I didn’t. I’m not limiting Nikki’s education to $20,000 a year. I told her that’s the max I’m willing to pay for her education degree. I’m more than happy to pay $75,000 a year if she picks another degree that will have a better return. For a while she thought about being a doctor and fell in love with England (we have family there) so I even offered to pay for her to go to Oxford which will be double the cost of her brother’s tuition. But she’s adamant about being a middle school teacher and I’m unwilling to spend $300,000 that I worked hard for on an education degree.
Edit to add: Oxford is hard to get into, I know that she won’t be able to just walk in. I meant for her to apply and if she got in, I’m willing to pay the cost of that school and the expense of living in an expensive country if her degree earning potential warrants that cost.
Edit to answer a recurring question #2:
OP also explains that he brought up the family tradition simply because it’s something that the family can help each other out with.
Why did I bring up the family tradition? Am I an elitist? Why does it matter?
I brought it up because getting into dental schools and graduating is tough. The reason why we have so many in our family is because we help each other out. The dentists and oral surgeons in the family happily tutor and give valuable internship experiences that would otherwise not be available. People who pursued the dental career in our family have never failed because we don’t allow them to fail. Last semester my brother spent weeks tutoring our niece to prepare her for her state board exam and she passed in one try.
This poor girl wants to do something very noble (middle school teachers have NOTHING easy) and her dad isn’t willing to pay for her to do it.
