Kate Hackett
Losing a loved one is obviously very difficult, but grief can sometimes cross an invisible line — and that’s precisely what is going on in u/Throwawaytoisy‘s post to the AITA Reddit community.
He posted a week ago wondering if he was wrong “for telling my wife I don’t want to name our child after her late husband?” and Reddit quickly assuaged the fears of OP’s asshole-ery.
OP explains that he and his wife are expecting their first child.
I’m 41M, my wife is 38F. She is pregnant with our first child together, and he was a big surprise. She is due in November.
OP’s wife has an older daughter in college and OP has a teen son.
She has a daughter from her first marriage (18F) and goes to college now. I have a nephew (16M) who has lived with me since he was a toddler and I consider him my kid.
My wife and I got married 8 years ago. Her first husband died 15 years ago.
His wife lost her first husband fifteen years ago; she and OP were wed 8 years ago.
We are finally making a shortlist of baby names for boys and my wife has her heart set on Thomas (her first husband’s name). I don’t want to name our child after a deceased person, because I feel that it’s just so much baggage to put on a child. I don’t want it as a first or a middle name.
As the couple prepares for the birth of their baby, the wife wants to name the child with the same name as her first husband. OP simply does not want the name of a deceased person coloring the child’s life.
I told her that I am fine with whatever name, as long as he isn’t named “after someone” (anyone). She likes other names too: Daniel, Chris, James,… I like them all, I will love my son with any name. I just don’t want to name him after her late first husband.
OP told her he doesn’t want to name the kid after anyone and OP’s wife also likes other names. But for some reason, she still wants to keep Thomas in the mix to honor her former husband.
We talked about it the other day and she told me all the reasons why she wants to name him Thomas. It will be her way of honouring him, of remembering him, it’s a great name, etc. I think some of her reasons are super valid.
OP seems incredibly kind and thoughtful, even saying some reasons were valid. But he confessed that he just doesn’t want to name the baby after her late husband.
I told her I really don’t want our son to be named after her late husband. She said I am being insecure and jealous of a dead man. I said that’s unfair to say.
OP’s wife accused him of being insecure, but OP has done nothing to indicate that he’s at all concerned about her previous husband.
His picture is on the wall of our family pictures, we visit his grave together sometimes, his parents still come over to visit my wife sometimes. She still has her wedding ring from their wedding (she doesn’t wear it though), and wears a necklace he bought her. I am okay with all of it.
She said I am being a petty asshole for not even wanting to use it as a middle name.
So OP is left to wonder: was he being petty?
Am I an asshole here?
The answer on this one is so obvious: of course not. Of course he’s not being petty and mean. Reddit firmly agreed.
“NTA. And considering his memory is included already in your family life I don’t think there’s any jealousy,” wrote one person.
Another said, “Yeah definitely NTA. She doesn’t need to honour him by naming the child with her new husband after the old one. She needs to let go. She’s needs to know that the other things she’s already doing are ways of remembering him. But she also needs to remember that if it weren’t for his passing and then meeting you that this baby would have never happened. The deceased husband will have no emotional or sentimental connection to your new baby. He’ll be nothing to the child (sorry). It would be weird for her to ‘push him’ onto the future upbringing of your child. She’s maybe feeling guilty for moving on and starting another family. Whatever is going on in her head the baby and you are in the now. All the best OP.”
