Patricia Grisafi
For parents of trans children, there can be some adjustment needed. But hopefully, you will accept your child for who they are and love them without condition. For one Redditor with the tattoo of his trans child’s deadname, though, things are proving difficult.
The OP explains that his child would like him to remove the tattoo of her deadname and replace it. Is there more than this OP is telling us? Or is his child’s request too much?
“Basically I [M42] got tattoos of the names of all 3 of my children. I got them going down my arm and they read from top to bottom (not actual names) ‘Andy, Sara, Kate.’ I had these tattoos all done at once after Kate was born knowing she would be my last. My oldest child Andy [T22] came out as trans and has decided she only goes by female pronouns now. My wife [F41] immediately supported her and made sure that I would too without any argument or else she would divorce me. It was a huge family issue for a while but eventually it was solved and everything has been good for the last little while. I’m slowly learning more and trying to accept my daughter and her new pronouns and her name change to Athena,” the OP writes.
“The problem arose yesterday when my wife and Athena sat down with me and told me there was an issue. The tattoo going down my arm still reads ‘Andy’ and not ‘Athena’ and my wife claims this is hurting our daughter and putting a strain on our relationship. My wife told me she wants me to get it touched up to correct it but I explained to her tattoos don’t work like that and you can’t just change ‘Andy’ to ‘Athena.’ I told her I would most likely need laser tattoo removal surgery and then would need to pay the cost of a brand new tattoo which I can not afford either of.”
“I explained how my tattoo is such a non issue that I don’t understand why this needs to be brought up now. Athena yelled at me and called me a sh*tty father and said if I don’t support who she is, I just need to leave her life. My wife threatened to go stay with her parents with the kids if I don’t ‘get my act together.’ I personally don’t see the reason to change the tattoo and this feels like a bigger problem then it should be. So I’m basically wondering if I’m the asshole in this situation.”
What did Redditors think?
“He’s NTA in this issue, but it seems like there’s a bigger reason for his daughter’s reaction, considering his wife apparently had to threaten divorce to get him to accept his child is transgender,” said mankytoes.
“NTA. The hypocrisy that you have to accept her unconditionally yet she gets to dictate to you what you need to do to your body is unbelievable,” said AnonymousHusker.”
“Oof, this is a tough one. NAH, but I feel like you’re not really listening to the core issue here. You’re right in principle when it comes to the tattoo as an isolated issue in that tattoo removal is in fact costly and time-intensive. However, your tattoo IS an issue for Athena and I think what she really wants is for you to acknowledge that with her, particularly because it took you time to get to a place of acceptance. You kind of gloss over that period, but my brother is trans and our family also went through a difficult acceptance process for my parents, so I know firsthand how painful that was for him and how rejected he felt for quite some time. Dead names are in fact a HUGE deal for trans people. By calling the tattoo of her dead name a ‘non-issue,’ you are dismissing how Athena feels about it, and that’s probably making her feel like you actually don’t accept her quite as much as you say you do. Your family is telling you in no uncertain terms that your response to this is hurtful, so I think you need to stop being so stubborn and take the time to listen to your daughter. Perhaps family counseling would be helpful here, I know it really helped my parents and brother. Good luck,” explained [deleted].
“Yeah, reading between the lines, it sounds like ‘I was so resistant to accepting my child was trans that my wife had to threaten to divorce me before I grudgingly accepted it.’ And typically when people are being “resistant” to accepting someone’s transition, that means they’re deliberately misgendering and dead-naming them every change they get, and/or calling it a phase. That’s got to be painful for the daughter, and it’s going to color her and the wife’s perception of OP’s actions for a long time. Laser removal isn’t something to take lightly, but I think if it were my (hypothetical) tattoo and my (hypothetical) kid, I’d at least make sure the tattoo wasn’t visible around her. Especially given the hole he’s dug himself, I think he needs to make a real effort to show that he’s not being deliberately (or even unintentionally) obtuse here,” noted that_dizzy_edge.
“This is pretty rough but I’m voting YTA because this goes way deeper than the tattoo. You said your wife made sure you supported Athena without question or else she would divorce you — this leads me to believe you were not happy that Athena was trans and that you’re likely transphobic. Or were transphobic, but you may still carry some transphobic tendencies whether you realise it or not. Is this the case? I feel like the tattoo is causing problems because Athena likely feels like you still may not fully accept who she is, because you are happy to have her deadname on your arm forever. You’re right that the removal/rework of the tattoo would cost a lot and take a lot of time and pain for you. This is entirely true. But do you know what kind of pain it’s causing for Athena to have her deadname on your arm? The name you gave her at birth is not the name she feels is ‘right’ or feels comfortable with. Whereas her new name is something that makes her feel more herself, something she is proud of. Describing it as a non-issue is like dismissing her feelings entirely. Plus, imagine people asking about your tattoo for the rest of your life, and you explaining that Andy is your kid but that’s not their name any more. That’s keeping the deadname alive, and Athena doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want to be referred to as Andy any more but it’s on your arm forever. The reason to change the tattoo is because you love Athena just as much as you did when you decided you wanted to memorialise all your children on your body, and you want Athena to feel happy and proud that her name is there and that you support her enough to have her new name there. Family therapy with a therapist who is supportive of trans people could really benefit you and Athena both, but ultimately you need to have a conversation with her about how you do support her and that you just didn’t really see the connection of that support to the tattoo. As for the costs, talk to Athena and your wife and let them know that changing the tattoo will be difficult and costly, and that you’ll all need to figure out some kind of solution for that together. Maybe start a tattoo fund that you all contribute to when you can? Like a fun family goal to work towards. Discuss with a removal studio and a tattoo studio about average costs and what you can do to change/alter/cover/redo the lettering and start anew. Best of luck,” explained gorgeouswvr.
Featured Image: Pexels
