Kate Hackett
I’ve said it before: in-law relationships can be very tricky. You are being asked to enter a family with its own set of rules, traditions, and ideals that may not match your own; sometimes it makes sense to just grin and bear some of it, but what about when one of these rules or traditions runs against your own ideals?
Gosh, it’s kind of like starting the relationship in the first place, isn’t it?
u/Subatancial_Oracle recently asked the Reddit sub AITA, “AITA for refusing to honor my boyfriend’s family’s tradition?” Here’s her story:
OP’s boyfriend and herself have been dating for a few years, but don’t spend an awful lot of time with his side of the family because they live abroad.
My boyfriend Eric (29M, fake name) and I (27F) have been dating for three years. For context, I have met his family and they are friendly. We don’t meet them very often because they live in my bf’s home country. I don’t want to reveal country names either for privacy reasons but my bf and I are of different nationalities and we both work in my country.
Last weekend, during a house hunt + engagement ring viewing, OP’s boyfriend mentioned that they were moving forward and his youngest sister in law asked if OP would “take the test”.
The conflict happened during our last visit last weekend. We have been looking up houses to move in together and engagement rings. While we were having dinner, we mentioned this to his family as it’s a big step in our relationship for us(we are not engaged yet.) His parents and brothers expressed their happiness for us then out of nowhere his youngest SIL asked “So is she going to take the test?”
I asked “what test?”.
Basically, the test is designed to see if a future daughter-in-laws are “good enough” for their sons. Things like keeping a home, cooking, blahblahblah. OP thought this was archaic and sexist.
In summary, bf’s family has this tradition where the future MIL tests future daughters-in-law to see if they are good enough for her sons. Apparently, his mother and aunts went through the same test. The tests include how clean they can keep a home, how well they can cook, their manners, etc. Basically life skills most people learn from childhood. I found it ridiculous because 1. If I’m good enough for my boyfriend, he should be the one deciding it. and 2. I don’t fit in their targeted category. In his mom’s words, you can’t be a good SAHW and SAHM if you can’t be a good homemaker and she wants to make sure of that.
Which… yeah. It is. Flat up. OP knows she does not want to be a stay at home wife or mother and isn’t a great housekeeper. It’s just not for her. She has found other solutions to deal with cleaning etc.
To be clear, his mom and all three of his brothers’ wives are SAHMs and although I respect their choice, I am not quitting my career and did not under any circumstances make my bf think I could compromise on that. I hate house chores and I would rather buy homemaking gadgets and hire staff no matter the cost than have to do chores myself. I told my bf’s mom all this and it caused an argument that eventually ruined dinner and in extension our visit.
OP said no thanks and this has caused some serious drama. The boyfriend has no issue with OP not staying at home, but thought she should just play the game with his family.
Bf doesn’t care whether I’m a working wife or a SAHW but he thinks I should have just done the test because “it’s just a test” and it’s not like they would reject me if I failed it. He thinks it’s a fun tradition that everyone was looking forward to and I should have gone along with it anyways.
My boyfriend thinks I’m the AH and suggested I make this post. If I really am the asshole, I’m sure you guys will let me know so am I?
So OP wants to know: was she wrong?
Reddit was pretty quick to say no, this is a stupid thing to do to someone joining a family.
Another user wrote, “NTA. What test is your boyfriend going to take to prove he’s good enough for you?”
“NTA. It sounds demeaning and patronizing as hell. If your bf thinks you’re good enough for him, you shouldn’t have to prove yourself to anyone else,” commented a third.
