Kate Hackett
While I’m sure that everyone has “heat of the moment” things they’ve said that they deeply regret, u/asimplespacecadet sure took the cake with hers.
OP explains that she was arguing with her boyfriend about her future job and their relationship.
I (23f) was having an argument with my bf (28m) about my future job prospects and our relationship. I’m going into a demanding career, and my family have all been in demanding careers, and my friends have all been what I would consider to be high achievers. I say this to mean active, good grades, good social life, good jobs, at least one degree and a strong work ethic.
She grew up around people with demanding careers, but her boyfriend thought working late hours and having no personal time was not a good idea.
My bf was trying to say that it’s weird to accept working late hours and not having that much time outside of work and study. He was afraid I wouldn’t have time for him in a few years. I said that part of being in your 20s is that you grind for a few years to build the life you want but that I would still be able to balance other things in my life.
OP seems absolutely fine with that lifestyle, but the BF worried she wouldn’t have time for him. He also didn’t like the phrase “high achievers”.
He was very hurt that I said the people around me are ‘high achievers’. He tried to tell me that I was saying that him and his friends and family weren’t, which isn’t what I was saying. I was trying to make the point that to me it’s normal to have lots of goals and push yourself and maybe burn the candle at both ends in your 20s, relationships shouldn’t detract too much from that.
He felt like OP was saying he wasn’t a high achiever, but she said that’s not what she meant.
He said I was being classist and looking down on him and his circle.
She insists she wasn’t but the conflict seems to continue to rear its head.
For the record, his sibling is CEO of a very successful company with a PhD, his other sibling has also had really good jobs, he lives basically rent free right beside his family home in a nice area. He has a good job, despite maybe having a slower start to his career in his 20s (dropped out of college twice and worked retail for a few years).
The BF is really, really hurt by the phrase and cannot seem to let it go. OP insists she didn’t mean any of this by the wording and that she always supports him.
It has come up again and again that I said this, and he says he’ll never feel good enough for me or my family because of it. He said he had never even heard someone use that expression in real life, and that I have ‘no idea how much damage’ I’ve caused by saying it. I said I didn’t mean anything about his circle by it, and he said ‘well that’s what it sounds like’.
I have always told him I’m proud of him and support him and encourage him. I think he’s one of the smartest people I know but he has a chip on his shoulder that holds him back.
So… is she a jerk?
So, AITA for saying the ‘high achievers’ comment?
TLDR; I said my circle are high achievers and thats why long hours, hard work and ambition are normalised for me – he took this personally and thinks it’s a classist and derogatory thing to say.
This, at least, seems like an easy apology to give — but I think BF is really clinging to something that isn’t actually what he is upset about.
Reddit had some people explain further. One wrote, “YTA. You say his siblings have good jobs. He is also surrounded by high achievers. You basically told him he’s a low achiever for choosing to have a healthy work life balance. Lots of people prioritize being able to have strictly defined working hours because they value their personal time. You are calling him a low achiever for prioritizing his relationships.”
Another said, “I mean on some level, it’s about recontextualizing. Personally, I work a job with a pretty nice work balance. I could get way more hours at work and make more money but I don’t because I value my time off so much. Because of that, I’m not a high achiever. The thing is, I don’t see that as a negative. I’m saying this about general attitudes, not OPs attitude in particular by the way.”
