Kate Hackett
My dad was one of these guys in the neighborhood. He’d help neighbors out with …whatever. Because that’s what you do – you’re a kind neighbor, you help each other out, you develop a friendship. It’s the right way to be.
So reading this story from u/Former-Conference-90, I think I already have an answer for his question, “AITA for doing “husband duties” for my friend?” and that answer is no. Sure, let’s check out the post in case there are some extra details… but I imagine there’s no harm here.
OP has a very close, long-time friend who lives nearby. Her husband passed away very suddenly and very young.
ETA: I met this friend and her husband in college while they were dating and I was in a LTR. I was a groomsmen in their wedding and I am the godfather of both boys, and was asked to be before both were born.
I(36m) have a long time friend(34f) who I live about 4 blocks from. We have always been very close.
Her husband passed away 3 years ago after a 9 month battle with brain cancer, during which she was his full time care taker.
OP was also close with the spouse and while the friend was taking care of her husband, OP would help out with anything he could. Basically, he was a great friend. And has continued to be a great friend.
I was also very close with her husband and since I lived close by I would go over and help as much as I could, be it cooking, cleaning, taking the kids out to do things, yard work and maintenance around the house, especially as he declined and required round the clock care.
After he passed I have continued to help my friend and her kids, and I spend a lot of time with her kids (now 11 and 9m).
After the husband passed, OP started dating (and then married) his now-wife, who has a problem with how much OP does for this widow.
Last year I married my wife, who I started dating after my friends husband had passed, so this isnt new.
Since then, there have been consistent arguments about me performing “husband duties” for my friend. Some examples of the things she was upset about:
She has a list of things she thinks OP should not be doing. Things like helping when a pipe burst, a car broke down, etc.
My friend called because when she woke up a pipe had burst in the ceiling and she couldn’t find a plumber who could come out that day (I’m a contractor so I was able to call a friend and he went over asap) and then I headed over and helped her clean up the mess and helped her with talking to her insurance and hiring a remediation company. After that was done I helped her demo and replace the dry wall.
Her car broke down, so I picked her kids up from school and went and played basketball with them while she got it to the shop and grabbed a rental, and then the boys wanted to have a pizza party, so we grabbed some pizzas and had dinner at the park.
She was relandscaping her backyard and putting in some raised planter beds and I went over on my day off to help her.
OP is always happy to bring his wife along, but she doesn’t seem to be very charitable to this friend and never wants to visit with OP.
My wife is always welcome, she doesn’t usually want to go and instead thinks I should let her figure it out because “she’s a big girl and she needs to stop acting like I’m her husband.” She has even gone as far as suggesting that my friend wants to steal me away from my wife because she needs someone to take care of her.
God, no, OP is absolutely just being a kind person. I don’t think the wife is necessarily wildly off her rocker here but unless OP is taking time and attention away from his own needs… who cares?
Reddit said that there are “no assholes here” for the most part. One user wrote, “NAH. I have a friend who does similar things for me since my husband died and I know that he’s trying to look out for me because he was my husband’s best friend. I really appreicate his help but I would draw the line at inviting him to stay for pizza or hang out with my kids in case his wife (who is a really cool person) thought it was too much. If your wife is starting to feel uncomfortable then you need to dial it back a bit. Save your help for the big things like major DIY and keep up with your friend socially by inviting her over to your place to hang out with you and your wife together.”
But others thought differently.
“YTA,” said another person. “Is one thing to help a friend when needed, but you seem to have a second family with this woman and her children. The fact that your wife is invited to see the 4 of you being a family and she the outsider doesn’t make it any better.”
