Patricia Grisafi
If you find out that anyone is recording you without your consent, you have the right to go nuclear. And this is especially worrisome if the person recording you is your spouse. One Redditor told a very troubling story about how her husband started acting sketchy about her planned girls’ night in, even asking if he could sit in on the hang-out.
But the real kicker is that while the OP was entertaining her friends, while they were sharing their emotional stories, she discovered a voice recording device in the room. She showed it to her friends and confronted her husband. Red flags everywhere, am I right?
“This happened last week, I told my F26, husband M31, I was planning on having a girls night in at home and he initially was like, ‘No not here…get a hotel or something’ I said I couldn’t afford a hotel + no need for a hotel. He asked if he could join us if he’s going to allow it, but I said no, this isn’t how GNIs work. He eventually agreed to let me have it and even said he’d go out so my friends could be comfortable.”
Going to “allow” it? Yikes.
“I invited the girls over and most of them had a lot of heavy venting to do, at some point things got a bit emotionally charged and there was crying, lots of it. After that we brought in the food and drinks, When I went to turn the TV on, I spotted a small device tucked on the side, I took a look and found that it was actually a voice recording device, I was in disbelief, I knew my husband put it in there to listen to our private talk which felt highly violating.”
“I didn’t hide it from the girls, I showed them the device, called my husband to get him to get home and confronted him right there in front of the girls. The girls were shocked and my husband denied after I flipped out and called him out, then said he was feeling curious to know about what we were talking about and wanted to make sure we weren’t ‘trash’ talking him specifically. The event was cut short and the girls left.”
“I kept lashing out at him for ruining the night and possibly my relationship and trust with my friends, I said that not only did he violate my privacy but my friends’ as well. Because they were talking about very personal stuff, He argued that it was no big deal, That I should’ve let him join us if we ‘had nothing to hide’ and that this was ON THEM for opening up about private matters to begin with. He went on to talk about how I humiliated him to call him out in front of my friends, I told him they deserved to know who he really is after what he’s done. We argued some more and he went out again.”
“We’re in conflict til today and I feel like I made a mistake calling him out like that aside from how I felt about it. He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that. AITA?”
I mean, I would no longer trust him, never mind respect him. What do Redditors think the OP should do?
“Run. Also, DITCH EVERY DEVICE YOU HAVE. Get a techy friend to take a look at least. Divorce him and RUN. NTA,” warned therealknightshade.
“I don’t usually agree with the suggestion of divorce, but in this case you need to. Not only has he irrevocably broken your trust in him but he may have caused damage to your friendships. He also gaslighted you by saying he should have been invited if there was nothing to hide. He tried to shift the blame to your friends and to you for his actions/choices. That’s manipulation and abuse…He went nuclear and you need to run fast,” said allflowerssmellsweet.
“NTA. Maybe it’s my PTSD talking, but the fact that A) he did this at all, and B) showed no remorse and tried to blame you for it, C) you are now questioning whether you need to apologize has me Concerned For You. Doing this at all is definitely controlling, shows he doesn’t trust you, and can potentially alienate you from your friends if you stay with him. For the second part, you might want to look up an abusive tactic called DARVO because that’s what this sounds like. (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). I would not advise entering couples therapy with someone who is using these types of strategies. They can end up manipulating the therapist, too. Personally I would strongly consider leaving (and maybe recruit some friends to help grab your most important documentation and possessions and leave ASAP). It’s obviously your choice how to handle this tho, and honestly I think so far you have actually done an excellent job. If you want additional support or a neutral space to process this, then therapy might be beneficial if that’s an option for you. (Tho… maybe make sure there’s no way he can listen in on your therapy sessions if you’re doing them virtually),” said SomethingMeta42.
“Absolutely NTA. What he did is violating and controlling. The whole, ‘if you have nothing to hide…’ line is one abusers use all the time to gain access to their SOs phones/email/social media accounts. My ex was this way and he also refused to let me go out with my friends without him. Deep insecurity about what you might say about them, which is revealing about how they actually treat you. Everyone deserves to have privacy in their relationships. It doesn’t mean you’re cheating on them or trashing them. Even if you did vent about him, THATS OKAY. You’re allowed to do that. I would have a very hard time trusting him again,” said militantrubberducky.
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