Apparently the women would haze the new family member by setting up “tests” to “see if they deserve to be part of the family,” he wrote. The wife was tested: the women all showed up wearing white to see how the bride would respond. This made the groom furious and he kicked them all out.
See what he says below:
I M33 have a large family. Mostly aunts and female cousins aside from mom, stepmom, stepsister and grandmother. I don’t know how to say this but all those women I mentioned above are into teasing and joking. They’ve formed a unit (which I admit is kind of toxic) and they’d tease and roast every new woman that enters the family by marriage by setting up “tests” to see if they deserve to be part of the family. Or roast their looks and styles to the point of breaking confidence and self esteem down. Then after a few months of teasing they’d announce that they’ve finally welcomed them into the family. The newest member would join in on the teasing too which is crazy as my dad says.
When I first introduced my then-girlfriend now wife. I made it clear that I didn’t want any of the women in the unit to come at her or harass her not even with a single word. They went behind my back and roasted her looks and job and I discovered they’ve been doing it on Facebook. I had them apologize one by one after they gave the “we’re just testing the water to see if she’s capable to be part of the family” excuse”. They didn’t want to apologize but once I said I wouldn’t invite any of the unit unless they apologize including my mom everyone immediately apologized and brought gifts for my wife. First of them was my stepmom and my SIL.
My wedding was 2 weeks ago. There was talk about the women in the family wanting to pull a prank on my wife by wearing white and called it the “ultimate test” to see how my wife react. My brother warned me so I announced that if anyone of them showed up in white I’d have them kicked out including mom. They said this wasn’t true and they’d never do such thing.
But they showed up to my wedding one by one wearing white dresses and each and every one of them was told to leave after they tried giving excuses by either making scenes or getting the men involved.
The senior women of the unit who are Mom and aunts also showed up in white but refused to leave. I threatened to take harsher action and mom was pissed telling me to step aside but I didn’t let her in. I had her leave while the men in the family were watching stunned, dad was on my side and supported me a lot.
I felt absolutely awful because my wedding was being interrupted by them making scenes. My wife was hurt beyond measure but the women in the family were pissed. My cousin blasted me on social media later saying I excluded all the women from the wedding because my wife was so insecure she couldn’t handle another woman’s presence at her wedding.
I had an argument with them and mom berated me saying it was supposed to be a prank but I said they were taking it too far. Mom said I took it too far by kicking them out because they were trying to get reaction from my wife to see if she was one of those “bridzillas” and were going to change soon as prank was over but I ruined my own and entire wedding by reacting so aggressively. I stopped talking after she said I had to bring my wife and apologize. I haven’t seen the lot of them in 2 weeks and they’ve excluded me from everything.
WasITA for how I handled this?
He followed up with some more information about the “prank” so readers would have more details:
I just want to explain that (A) this has been happening for years. The men in the family are split on this behavior, some of them encourage it like my uncle and my cousins’ husbands (one is now an ex) and some are against it like me and my dad and brother.
(B) the women claim that there’s nothing hurtful in what they do because they claimed they’re just looking out for us men and that their goal ultimately is to make sure the women who enter the family are decent.
(C) My dad always ends up arguing with my mom and grandmother since they’re the ones who started this whole thing with their behavior and attitude towards other women.
(D) and I’m not sure if I should mention this but my male cousin who’s a middle schooler said he’d make sure to leave the country before even meeting any woman because of this and it made me chuckle. Also the dresses they showed up in were simple white dresses nothing over the top but still were white dresses. I realized they went ahead with their plans even after I stated what I’d do in that case.
Here’s the verdict from Reddit:
“This is hazing – that’s the only word for it. It’s repugnant behavior. The women in your family haze new members of their “sorority” and it’s incredibly harmful,” stated Gruaig_Gorm.
pennywhistlesmoonpie wrote, “Ugh. NTA. First cardinal rule: Don’t wear white to a wedding unless you’re the bride. If you do, you’re TA.”
And finally, hypatiaspasia wrote, “This. It’s hazing. They’re actively humiliating and abusing her in the name of “initiation,” and basically refusing to accept her until she submits to their power over her. It’s fucked up. Just because they had to suffer doesn’t mean it’s totally fine to keep perpetuating this shit. OP is NTA, and good for him for standing up for his new wife.”
So do you agree? Was this really terrible or did OP overreact?