Kate Hackett
Right up front, I’m going to tell you: this woman was in no way, shape, or form an asshole to her stepson.
Redditor u/collegefundsarentfun took to the AITA subreddit to wonder if she was a jerk for “telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t?” and, you know. Nope. If that had been ALL she said, maybe, but it’s not. Read on:
My (49F) daughter Catie (17) is graduating high school this spring and was just accepted to her first college last week. I share Catie with her father (my ex-husband) Will (52M), but have been married to my husband Brian (49M) for about 6 years. Brian has a son Nick (16) who is a junior at the same school as Catie. Brian has full custody of Nick while I share custody of Catie.
OP sets the stage with our cast of characters and explains that her daughter’s father has a lot of money — which means going to college is going to be a lot easier for her.
Will and I divorced fairly amicably when Catie was young, and have grown into strong coparents. Will’s family comes from substantial money, so as part of the divorce we agreed that he would be responsible for the tuition and dorm bill for Catie’s college, and I would pay for the other miscellaneous living expenses. I have saved enough to pay for these expenses, but I know that if something were to happen to my savings, Will or his family would be able to foot the entire bill for Catie’s living expenses without any changes to his lifestyle.
OP and Catie’s dad talked to her about the costs of college and her now-husband did the same with his son.
Will and I decided to sit Catie down and show her the whole picture of what college costs and what we will pay for. Brian thought it would be a good idea to have a similar conversation with Nick even though he is only a junior.
However, OP’s husband has a different financial situation and the stepson is not going to have the same college contribution that her daughter will have.
Unfortunately, the financial situation for Nick differs. Since his mother is not in the picture, it has been on Brian to save for Nick’s college. Brian was able to save and I have also contributed a bit, and he has about enough saved for a full associates degree or half bachelors degree at an in-state public school without living expenses.
They weren’t cruel about it, but they did give the kids a realistic picture of the situation.
We didn’t openly discuss the specifics of the different finances with each child, but did broadly say that they had different opportunities due to situations outside of their control. Nick has since surmised that his situation is very different from Catie’s and his choices will be much more impacted by finances than hers.
Now the stepson is upset – he’s saying it’s not fair that OP’s daughter has a different fiscal situation. OP explained that it would not be okay for her to take money from her daughter to give to the stepson, but she was very sorry.
Nick came to Brian and I very upset over the weekend. He said that It wasn’t fair that Catie got to go anywhere she wanted and he specifically was upset that Catie would not have to pay for her own room and board. He then asked that if Catie gets into a school with scholarships, if he could get the difference in tuition for his college. Or, he said that I should contribute the savings I had for Catie to his fund to try and make it more fair since Will could make up the difference easily. I kindly told him that no, I wouldn’t do that and that I’m really sorry that the situation.
Then she said “thems the breaks”, unfortunately. The kid was upset and her husband was not thrilled with her phrasing.
Then I told him that unfortunately, sometimes “thems the breaks” in life and that we will do our best to make sure that whatever college he decides to go to that he can make the most of the opportunity even with loans.
Nick was obviously upset at this and Brian thinks my response to his asking made me a bit of an asshole even though I shouldn’t have to change any of the agreement. I feel like I’m going crazy but AITA?
She clarifies that she only said “thems the breaks” after Nick started to get frustrated. She also said she’d apologize for her phrasing and make sure Nick feels loved and supported.
ETA: I had condensed this post for character limits but wanted to add a bit about the actual conversation. This was the follow up conversation to the longer one my husband had with him about how much money we were able to contribute to college, so he already knew the specifics of what we have saved for him. I’m trying to be as objective as possible. Our follow up was a conversation that was over 10 minutes long – most of it was saying that we were sorry about how this situation impacts him and that it’s really difficult seeing people close to you get opportunities you can’t have. I did not default to “thems the breaks” but then yes, I did say those exact words (I must be older than I thought) after Nick got increasingly angry and frustrated. I didn’t intend to be callous but I love Nick and I will apologize for being unkind and make sure to repeat the things Brian told him about the fund in the first place: there are so many options for you and we are excited to support you to make whatever future you want happen for you.
SO not the asshole in my opinion. Here are some of Reddit’s responses: “Your son is upset because he’s staring down the barrel hole of a student debt shotgun. You could have empathized and sympathized with him and instead decided to take the heartless route. The world is cold enough, kids don’t need the same attitude from their parents.”
