Kate Hackett
Nothing quite sets my teeth on edge like stories on Reddit’s famed AITA in which a parent wants to just be a “fun time” parent. While I’m usually fairly “live and let die” about parenting tactics, this one inevitably becomes a source of strife between the two parents. Someone has to be the “bad cop” and, let’s be real, it’s usually the poor mom in heterosexual relationships.
Today, u/ZealousidealWait2698 brings up that exact dynamic in a story she recently posted to Reddit’s AITA sub. She and her husband are at odds over bedtime — let’s dive in.
OP and her husband have three kids – 10 months, 3 years, and 6. A lot of very little ones!
I want to preface this by saying that I am aware this is a very privileged issue but I’m trying to get some perspective on my opinion.
My husband and I have 3 kids that are 10 months, 3 years and 6 years old. My husband has a high profile job and it means he’s gone often. I work a regular 9-5.
OP works a 9-5 and her husband is often gone; during the pandemic, they hired a nanny to help OP. Bedtime was particularly difficult, so the nanny agreed to help with dinner, bath, and bed.
We originally used daycare for our oldest but my middle was born right when the pandemic began, so we hired a nanny. She originally worked when I did. But by the time baby came around, I was very overwhelmed doing bath and bedtime on my own, on top of developing postpartum depression. After a breakdown, we spoke with the nanny and she agreed to adjust her hours so she’s helping me with dinner, bath and bed.
Things have been going very well for OP and the nanny. They have a great routine, it’s helped OP’s mental health significantly.
We’ve gotten close over the past 6 months doing this. In many ways, she’s become like a third parent to the kids. She’s so good with them. We’ve created a routine that works well. I tend to the baby during bath and bed, she handles the older 2. It’s a nice rhythm and my mental health has gotten so much better.
Most nights, OP’s husband isn’t around. He does help on the weekends, but he isn’t a very “tough” parent with the kids.
My husband isn’t traveling all the time but most nights, he isn’t even home for dinner and bed. He will help me weekends he’s home. But because he’s gone so often, he’s reluctant to be firm with the kids.
When he IS home and the nanny is there, he lets the kids roughhouse and break rules.
There are times he’s come home when our nanny is there. He tries to help her with bath and bed, but allows the boys to rough house, lets them break the routine and it seriously throws them off and delays bedtime.
The nanny spoke with OP and explained that this makes her job harder and she doesn’t want to undermine the husband. Husband says he needs the extra help.
My nanny shared with me she feels awkward. Obviously she doesn’t want to undermine her employer but it just makes her job harder. But my husband also doesn’t want her to go home when he arrives as he says he can’t handle it alone.
So OP told her husband to defer to the nanny because she knows the routine best AND deals with the aftermath of young kids getting away with bad behavior.
I told him if that’s the case, then he needs to defer to the nanny and follow her lead. She knows our boys best and she has to deal with the aftermath when they don’t listen and give her a hard time.
OP’s husband is irked because she’s an employee. But OP put her foot down. She said follow the nanny’s lead or don’t help. Her husband is upset a nanny is doing his job… so who is wrong?
My husband feels that she’s just an employee and he’s the dad. His salary does pay for her. However, I don’t feel this is fair to her.
I told him he either follows her lead for bed and bath or he doesn’t help at all. He told me I’m allowing the nanny to take over and replace him. AITA?
“NTA. Ignore the aggrieved men in the comments. If your husband wants to help with bedtime, then he needs to actually help with bedtime, not make it harder than it needs to be. Or else he needs to do it alone and deal with the consequences of riling the boys up,” wrote a Redditor.
Another person said, “Horseplay and roughhousing are very important for your children’s development. If Dad wants to take over and play hee-haw he can very well do that – that’s great! But, what he can’t do is take over, create a mess and then have the nanny come put out the fire. If the nanny is going to be taking care of business we play by her rules. If Dad is going to be taking care of business then we can play by his.”
“NTA. As their dad, it is his job to make sure they are healthy and happy, and sticking to their routine is the best way of doing that. (Aside from special occasions, of course.) Either he needs the nanny there or he doesn’t, but he can’t insist she stay and then make her job worse. I’m sure at his high profile job he would immediately sack someone who interfered with his ability to competently perform his duties. If he wants to goof off with the kids, let him make time for them that isn’t at bedtime,” commented a third.
