It’s the year 2021, and yet there are still some people out there with very outdated views about how men and women should be relating to one another. On r/AmItheA–hole, a throwaway account says she’s a 30-year-old woman who is pregnant with her first kid, and the gender roles in her family are starting to wear her down.
She and her husband have been married a year. He apparently grew up as a “momma’s boy” and never learned how to cook or do chores. The OP claims she helped him changed his ways, but the misogyny is sneaking back into their relationship.
She also works 12-hour shifts at a warehouse, while her husband works from home:
Now, my MIL and my mom call me a bad wife for not caring for my husband properly. They claim its my job to do the cooking and cleaning. My mom justifies my MIL intervening in our household matters. She says I’m not a proper housewife.
My husband complained to my mom today that I’m too lazy. That I haven’t cooked a proper meal in a week and I only cook easy quick meals. I’m working a 12 hour job while pregnant and he’s working from home. My job is also a 2hour drive from the house. I’m away 14 hours a day overworking myself while he does nothing to help around the house and the few times he does help he rubs it on my face while calling me lazy and complaining to my mom and his mom.
This came to a head when her MIL called her at work to complain that her son lost weight since they were married and she’d “never let him marry me if she knew how sh—tty I am as a wife.”
She hung up on her of course, but then her own mom called to chew her out. Naturally, OP was pretty frustrated and didn’t know what to do:
I was having a chat with my friend from work about that and she told me I’m TA because that’s what I signed up for when I married my husband and I should take responsibility when I’m not doing my wife duties the right way. She said I let online feminists get in my mind and I forgot what a proper wife is like and I’m being an ass by trying to rebel against my husband while also offending my MIL and mom. So AITA?
Overwhelmingly, commenters said no:
The OP logged in to respond to the people who were telling her she knew what she was getting when she married this man:
First of all I really don’t appreciate the victim blaming in some comments, people blaming me for getting in an abusive relationship and having a baby. You know it’s not always that simple and easy. My husband worked on himself for the better when we started dating years ago. While we were dating and while we were engaged and lived together he was always helping out. He grew up with the mommas boy mindset but once we became more committed he started changing his mindset and behavior about gender roles and treated me as equal. Even when his mom tried to intervene certain times he’d put her in her place and defend me. His behavior started shifting back to the gender roles mindset slowly after we got married. At first it was more subtle but the signs were there though not as obvious. As time passed I also found out I’m pregnant and it was getting worse and worse. The cherry on top was now that he has been also complaining to my mom about how lazy I am. For many years we were equal and he never displayed that misogynistic mindset since he bettered himself. It only happened after the marriage.
She also said that the only person defending her right now is her sister, who lives in another country. It’s a pretty sad situation, and one too many women are ending up in. Break the cycle, ladies, we all deserve better!