Redditor u/AITArainbow2016 took to the r/AmItheAsshole sub a few days ago to ask the community if not permitting her nephew, who is a “rainbow baby” to attend her childfree wedding would make her an asshole. For those not in the know, a rainbow baby is a child born after a miscarriage.
Now listen — my personal opinion is that weddings are family events and a nephew is family and kids are family and wtf is wrong with people that they have CHILDFREE weddings? But… it’s her wedding, I guess, so despite my declaration of YES YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE purely for having a childfree wedding, technically the question is a little more nuanced.
I’ll let u/AITArainbow2016 tell it:
Op writes:
Hi. I (f, 33) am getting married come october to my fiance Derek. Wedding planning went okay but as soon as we started sending out invitations the problems began coming our way. Thing is Derek and I decided the wedding would be childfree, it wasn’t out the blue and this possibility was there.
She continues…
I have a 42-yrs-old brother Paul who’s married but he and his wife suffered from several miscarriages and faild pregnancies during their marriage. They finally were blessed with a son that everyone calls a miracle and a rainbow baby. My nephew is 4-yrs-old and everyone salutes him and treat him as a king and also turn blind eye to any misbehaviors he has which caused him to become loud, distructive, out of control and punish-less.
When Paul recieved the invitation and found out out kids weren’t included he and mom lost it and decided on an urgent meeting with me and Derek. Paul said “my son is an exception, right?” I said no and this rule is to be followed by everyone. He argued that I was making a mistake by excluding my nephew. He and mom went on about how he’s a miracle since he’s their rainbow baby/grandbaby then Paul said he had no problem with my wedding being child free but expects me to make an exception for his son. He explicitly said ” you can have your “child free wedding” but you’re gonna have to make an exception for my son and you know why”.
Derek apologized and said we won’t since our friends and my inlaws had kids too but now have to leave them home and arrange for babysitters and advised him to do the same. Paul was offended and said if his son isn’t invited then he won’t come and gave us an ultimatum to drop out if we don’t edit his invitation. That caused my family to freak out because Paul is the only and oldest sibling I have and they said his presence at the wedding is a must.
I had an argument with mom and dad who said the fact I’m choosing this to be my hill to die on and treating Paul and my nephew like that was appaling. They emphasized how my nephew is especial and I should be ashamed to exclude him even when the wedding is child free.
My parents said if Paul won’t come they won’t come either which devastated me a lot and caused me to break down. Derek said they were the ones being unreasoable and disrespectful of our wedding and we should wait maybe they’ll come around eventually but they’ve doubled down. This morning my aunt and uncle dropped out as well as my other uncle last week. Paul told everyone and they’re supporting him and won’t come unless I make an exception for my nephew but that will upset my guests and they’ll call me hypocrite. My family is divided saying I’m ruining my own wedding basically saying this is all on me.
ETA because I see this question asked a lot.
My family have normalized this behavior from Paul and also his wife. Whenever I point out how unacceptable it is to expect everyone to cater to my nephew and his parents, Paul would chime in with “she’s jeeeealous” because he and his wife have a kid while I can’t/don’t (I was married before meeting Derek and divorced my ex husband for my inability to have kids but that’s another story).
So, okay, we have a four-year-old who is a little bit of a chore (I mean, have you met a four-year-old who isn’t?), but let’s see what Reddit had to say about the whole thing.
NTA – you are not the one dying on this hill. Your brother is, and he’s involving the rest of the family. If your family cares more about whether a 4 year old gets to go to a wedding and/or reception (which, as the only child there, won’t be any fun for him) than they do about celebrating you and your new husband, then that will make the decision about which family to spend the holidays with that much easier.
You are not being malicious, you are making a decision about your guest list. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé; it is NOT about your nephew, or your brother and his wife. The fact that they are making it about them is absolutely shameful.
The Original Poster responded:
Thank you for your input. Fact is there were easy options/routes for Paul to take like getting a babysitter like Derek suggested but Paul got extremely offended and agitated talking about how his son isn’t the same as other kids and how he never required a babysitter before. Derek kept rolling his eyes but not out of disrespect for my nephew but because of the way Paul was spoke. Paul called Derek disrespectful and he then gave us an ultimatum. It’s a shame and I definitely didn’t expect this reaction from them.
And Now_with_real_ginger then pointed out that, in fact, his son IS the same as other kids.
Most of Reddit thought NTA.
“Rules are for other people” people are the very best people.
NTA. Sounds like His Nibs The Rainbow Baby might make himself the center of attention, or would be egged on to do so by his fan club.
Congratulations on your wedding!
And here’s what blanktom9 said:
“NTA. Your family sucks. I would just elope and screw the whole wedding. A couple things:
The kids is 4 – time for the parents to get over this “rainbow baby” thing and raise their kid right – like a normal not spoiled child.
What is the kid going to do at a wedding with no other kids around? Sounds boring af
what are you going to say to all the other parents who are pissed off at you because they had to find a babysitter but you allowed others to make an exception.”
Agreed, agreed. So maybe I’m a little bit off for thinking childfree weddings are auto-assholes but we do all agree that nobody “cares if their child is a “miracle” or not,” as SideMuff wrote.