Kate Hackett
Already yes, but before we dive in to u/sunni____‘s Reddit post on AITA, let’s take a beat to explain what weaponized incompetence really is.
Weaponized incompetence is exactly what it sounds like: one partner feigns an inability to do something (often with a “I can’t X the way you want / as well as you do”) in order to skirt responsibilities in a relationship. It’s a close cousin to the mental load, which is well-explained in this comic.
My feeling is automatically that anyone who EVER uses either of these tactics is absolutely a jerk.
Let’s check out the post and …just make sure.
OP isn’t good at gift giving. Fine, I’ve known people who aren’t — hell, I’ve dated them. Happens.
I have never been the best at gift giving. It’s something I can’t seem to master the art of. I don’t know if I’m just not as thoughtful as everyone else or what. I’ve had maybe one or two moments of spotting something and going ‘this reminds me of [insert person here], let me buy it.’ Other than that, I’m pretty much phoning it in with gift cards. Whenever a holiday or special event approaches, it’s like my mind goes blank to what the person would like.
His best friend’s birthday is this weekend and OP had a brilliant idea for a gift. All sounds good so far, right?
My best friend’s birthday was this weekend and I truly felt like I had a stroke of genius leading up to it. He’s a history buff and spends most of his time studying and traveling. He’s also spent the last year of his life writing a dissertation that he hopes to turn into a book. I’ve read over the draft versions of it as he works (sometimes out of curiosity, mostly to help out with proofreading as a fresh set of eyes), but it’s now very near completion.
OP bound his friend’s dissertation and ordered two copies — one with an “about the author” that OP wrote to celebrate his friend.
I requested another copy of manuscript, had two copies properly bound, and wrote up an “about the author” section myself to include.
The gift went over beautifully and the friend was genuinely moved.
When I presented them to him at his birthday party, I told him the first was for him to keep as his very first copy, and the second was a copy for me – the very first autographed one, if he would be so kind as to sign it. The whole thing was a really nice moment for us, and his family who I’m very close with. When he read over what I had written about him in the ‘about the author’ section, he teared up a little. This is one of the only times making someone cry has ever made me feel so good.
But OP’s girlfriend was there and she wasn’t happy; she thought that OP was using “weaponized incompetence” to get out of thoughtful gifts for her.
My girlfriend was there during this whole display and didn’t say much. She went home early while I stayed the night with my friend. When we talked the next day, she told me the gift thing was overkill and it was proof that I was using “weaponized incompetence” previously in order to get out of putting time and thought into gifts for her.
OP didn’t realize the thoughtful gesture was anything other than that… so is he wrong?
I’m kind of at a loss here. I didn’t think the nice gesture was indicative of anything other than me doing something kind. AITA?
See! Sometimes there’s more to the story.
And in this case…
Man, I don’t know! I’m going to defer to Reddit here.
When responding to a user who said they would be really upset if their boyfriend sucked at gift giving for them but did a great thing for a friend, one Redditor said, “I love my husband more than anything and yet I’ve somehow given him dud gifts on almost every occasion since we met, despite trying really hard.”
