Kate Hackett
Are your eyes crossed just from that title? I bet you they are. Because this is a mess.
And I caveat with: I think 99% of weddings are a mess. A mess of feelings and crappy behavior that we could probably just avoid by not bowing to the wedding industry, which is positively out of damn control. But we get girls told for decades that this is their ONE DAY and they take that sh*t and run with it. Hard. I hate it. Anyway. I digress.
Recently a mom wondered if she was the assh*le on Reddit’s infamous Am I The Assh*le subreddit page if she attended her youngest’s wedding. Here’s what u/mommyinthemud wrote.
We start off strong noting that the younger kid is marrying an ex-fiance of the older one. Boom. Insanity. The dude’s a dick here. Out of the gate.
My younger daughter (Hayleigh, 28f) is marrying my older daughter (Jennifer, 30f)’s ex-fiancé (Sam).
Jennifer is mad at me b/c I’m going to Hayleigh’s wedding. She says that, “I’m condoning her bad sister’s behavior as always,” but that’s simply not true.
And the older girl is pissed. Why, you wonder? WELL:
When the wedding was called off & we found that it was b/c Sam & Hayleigh were dating, I called Hayleigh immediately & I asked her to rethink the relationship. Not only for her sister’s sake, but also because “if he could do it once, he could do it twice” & I didn’t want her to get hurt. She reassured me that, that wasn’t the case — that they were meant for each other & had known this for a long time, so I left it at that.
BECAUSE SAM CHEATED ON JENNIFER. WITH HER SISTER. Sam apparently apologized, because you know that’s all some men have to do when they f* up. But he and the younger sister are “in love”.
I spoke to Sam, too. He apologized for any hurt he may caused, but said that it wouldn’t be fair to marry Jennifer when deep in his heart he knew that he was in love with Hayleigh. They’ve officially been together for a little over a year now & they truly seem happy and in love.
OP’s husband is furious with the entire thing and is supporting Jennifer. He refused to walk Hayleigh down the aisle and doesn’t give the union any form of blessing.
My husband is supporting Jennifer. He’s disgusted with the whole situation & doesn’t want anything to do with it. At one point he announced that he wouldn’t be giving Sam his blessing or walking Hayleigh down the aisle.
I don’t like what this household has become. This is the first Christmas we haven’t spent together as a whole family.
Rightfully so, OP is sad about how the situation has torn the family apart. She also, and I think reasonably, notes that disapproving of it doesn’t really change anything and this new reality is something they have to figure out.
I don’t like the situation anymore than my husband or Jennifer do, but they don’t understand that ignoring the reality of it doesn’t make it go away.
When he had said that he wasn’t walking Hayleigh down the aisle, she was devastated. I asked my husband if he was willing to risk his relationship with Hayleigh by not walking her down the aisle. Jennifer accused me of trying to twist him to my side.
I told Jennifer that it’s not about sides, it’s about learning how to forgive. I’ve told her that it’s been over a year now since her & Sam broke up, and she’s been bitterly jumping from relationship to relationship because she’s so focused on Hayleigh and Sam, and that if she never learns to forgive them, she’ll never be at peace.
Jennifer is angry with the way her mother went about things when her mom pointed out that not walking Hayleigh down the aisle would alienate one daughter from the parents. The mom stresses that she’s not taking sides, but forgiveness is important.
She says that I don’t understand that Hayleigh purposely stole Sam from her, & that she’s been doing this since they were kids and I never noticed. I told her that she should have told me then. She said that I should’ve been paying closer attention & noticed it. I told her that she had to learn to let go of certain things in the past in order to move forward & that if Hayleigh did steal Sam, as she claimed, then Hayleigh did her a favor.
There was some back and forth about how Mom (OP) should’ve noticed Hayleigh purposefully hurting Jennifer and… I’m not really sold on this one. Hayleigh’s an adult. But then OP lands a whopper: “if Hayleigh did steal Sam, Hayleigh did Jennifer a favor”. Yuck.
She didn’t want to hear that, but it needed to be said. I also offered to put her on a three-way call with Hayleigh, but she declined. Then she gave me an ultimatum. She said if I go to the wedding it means Hayleigh was my favorite child all along and that she’ll never speak to me again.
Jennifer then gave an ultimatum and said that if OP goes to the wedding, she’s cutting her mother out.
I told her that I’m going to the wedding, just as I would’ve gone to hers if she was in that situation. She said okay & hung up. Later, my husband calls me from work telling me she called him crying.
OP said she’s going, just as she’d go to Jennifer’s if this were reversed.
And OP also answered a few questions.
Q: Were Sam and Hayleigh having an affair, or did they start to date after the wedding was called off?
A: I’m not really sure. I never asked for details, and I’m not sure I really want to know either. From what I’ve been told, Sam came to Jennifer and told her that he couldn’t marry her because he was in love with Hayleigh.
Q: When I spoke to Hayleigh, why didn’t I tell her she was wrong?
A: Because if she doesn’t feel like she’s wrong at the age of 28, then nothing I say will convince her otherwise. We’ve all known what’s it like to be in love with someone that people we care about don’t like. And how did that turn out? Despite warnings, we had to see it through to the end and suffer the consequences. Because I loved her, I still warned her, but it’s up to her to make the decision for herself now.
Q: Why am I supporting Sam and Hayleigh’s relationship despite the hurt it causes Jennifer?
A: I’m not supporting the relationship, I’m supporting Hayleigh. Not because of what she did, but because of who she is. That’s my daughter, and no matter how much I disagree with her or Jennifer’s actions, I carried them both of them inside me and my love for both of them is unconditional. I’ve supported and comforted Jennifer to the best of my ability, and I will be here to do so until the day I die, but that goes for Hayleigh, as well.
This one is hard. I think Reddit is going to come down blaring on OP but I’m not sure that’s fair. It’s a crappy situation of Sam’s & Hayleigh’s making, but OP shouldn’t be asked to be as angry as Jennifer is in this situation.
Here’s what some Redditors wrote:
