Kate Hackett
Divorce is never an easy solution to a marriage that has run its course, especially when there are children involved. Even grown ones! But sometimes, it’s the only solution that the two parents can see. Especially when cheating and bad behavior are involved.
Today we have a story from u/Aggravating_Yam_5560 wondering if she’s the jerk for ruining her dad’s chances at getting her mother back. Let’s take a look.
OP explains that her parents are divorcing because her mother was cheating on her dad, who was a terrible husband.
My (25f) parents are getting divorced after 24 years of marriage. My mother was basically “cheating” on my father for months before he found out. I put cheating in quotation marks because my dad was a horrible husband. So I was actually happy she found someone else.
Dad quickly tried to revert course when Mom finally wanted to leave.
Once my mom said she wanted to separate, my dad completely changed. He said he didn’t want her to leave, begging her to stay, saying he will change. He actually got on medication for his depression, started being more affectionate, and asked for couples counseling that he said my mom agreed to do.
And at some point, he tried to get OP involved in winning OP’s mom back. OP said no, to which the dad pointed out that he has depression and if things were reversed, he would have been admonished.
One day I go to my parents’ house and my dad says he wants my help winning my mom back. We are in the backyard and mom is in the house. I told him no because I want what’s best for her and he’s not it. He said that he has severe depression, and saying that he’s bad without acknowledging how depression can affect a person isn’t right. He said he was disappointed cus if the genders were reversed I would admonish him for cheating and breaking the vow of marriage.
OP admits that her dad is doing everything he can to win Mom back; OP isn’t going to undermine that, but she doesn’t want to help him either.
Now this is where I might be the asshole; my dad is doing everything he can to win my mom back, so I said that while I won’t help him, I wouldn’t interfere in his plans and would stop talking about him with her (me and my mom talk a lot about how shitty of a husband my dad is).
The dad points out that OP prefers her mom because she gifted OP things and took her on trips. But OP has a great friendship with her mom. She just does not have that with her dad.
At one point in the conversation he says, in a calm tone, “I know you’re not going to like this, but imma say it anyway: when one parent gives you gifts and takes you on trips and buys you things, of course you’re going to side with them even if they’re wrong because you don’t want to lose that.” This made me soooo angry. I have a genuine friendship with my mom, whereas even though my dad was a fantastic father (SAHD, gave us everything we ever wanted/needed), I don’t necessarily enjoy being around him. I hang out with him sometimes out of obligation, but it’s very forced and I know he can tell and he’s told me this hurts him in the past.
OP was furious and absolutely lost her temper. Then she ran to her mother and told her what happened. Now her mom isn’t interested in couples’ therapy.
I basically went off saying fuck you and how dare you and that he had no right to question my character and the reason I like mom more is because he’s no fun, unmedicated, he’s rude and rigid, and it has absolutely nothing to do with money. I am screaming, but up until this point our convo was calm and we were almost whispering so my mom wouldn’t hear. My dad keeps trying to shush me, but I don’t let up. I go to my mom and tell her what he just said, and he keeps looking at me, saying, “why are you doing this to me?” “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me,” “we were just having a calm conversation.” I say I am leaving and my mom gets in the car with me. Later my dad says that after my blow up, my mom no longer wanted to go to couple’s therapy.
AITA for blowing up and making it harder for my dad to win my mom back?
Apparently both parents talk to OP about their relationship, which seems really weird to me.
EDIT: I’m editing to add that the reason I am so involved is because BOTH my parents talk about the other to me. My dad started first, and my mom only got involved when I asked her if she was abusing him in the way he was claiming. But they both are wrong for this.
She also added some info about her father being bipolar, which … evidently he was not?
Other important info: My dad told me my whole life that he has bipolar disorder, and that’s why he was so messed up. I’ve sent him books and podcasts and articles and lectures for YEARS about this disorder. I made my entire family start therapy two years ago, and I said that my only request for dad is that he get medicated because he knows he has bipolar disorder. He laughed and said “I was waiting for you to say that. I’m not even bipolar.” The therapist then got a little curt with me and said I shouldn’t armchair diagnose just because I was a psych major. My dad just nodded along. This is just ONE of his serious manipulations, but he does it to me often and that’s why our relationship is fractured.
This story is so weird. I can’t imagine why these two parents are getting their adult child involved in their problems, but they are.
Here’s Reddit’s take, “NTA. It was wildly inappropriate for your dad to request your help getting back together with your mom. Their marriage is their business, not yours.”
Another user wrote, “NTA, your dad was trying to manipulate you and your mom, and you did the right thing calling him out. You didn’t ruin his chances to do anything, he’s been doing that for years, and just wants a scapegoat to blame his actions on.”
