Sometimes some tough love is important to hear. It can be very difficult to listen to a loved one critiquing your behavior, but it can also make way for improvement in you as a person. u/AnyWolf_134 recently asked Reddit if he was wrong for telling his sister “that a comment she made is exactly why her marriage crashed and burned?”
OP explains that his sister has been staying with both him and his husband during divorce proceedings.
My sister has been staying with my husband and I (men in our late 20s) for the last week and some change. She and her husband have initiated the divorce process and she said she doesn’t want to stay alone right now, which I completely understand. It would be very hard to go from living with a partner to a completely silent house.
I opened our home to her before I found out why her marriage didn’t work out. Now that the two of us have had multiple conversations about it, I’m a little uncomfortable.
The sister said that the reason for the divorce was there was not enough sex.
There was no infidelity. There was no big scandal. What she told me is that her husband wasn’t having sex with her enough.
OP was really horrified to hear that and thought that it was pretty disrespectful for his sister to say that a marriage without sex was akin to a roommate.
The things she has been saying have floored me. She says without sex, the two of them were basically just like roommates. She said she had been pushing for him to get a hormone imbalance test done because while they were still having sex, it wasn’t enough. She said he had begun resisting even normal touches from her because from his perspective, all she thought about was sex which apparently isn’t true… I’m not sure I believe that. I can elaborate in the comments but overall it just left me feeling sad for her ex and the disrespect of saying sex is the only thing that separates a partner from a roommate. Not even a friend.
OP can’t relate to his sister whatsoever. He is really struggling with her saying that the sexless marriage was a divorce-worthy problem.
I’ve done my best to be supportive, but I can’t relate to the thought process at all. If my partner told me tomorrow that he wasn’t up for sex for the next few weeks, months, or longer, I would just take care of myself and respect that. I love him and I want him to be the person I do life with forever.
One night, when OP was rubbing his partner’s feet, his sister made a sexually charged joke.
This all came to a head last night. My husband and I were having a typical lazy Saturday night, catching up on some shows and chatting while we lounge on the couch. His legs were in my lap and I was kind of absentmindedly massaging his feet and rubbing his ankles. This was an innocent gesture. My sister came in, saw me doing it, and made a joke along the lines of “Ah, OP, I didn’t know you were into feet” or “I didn’t know you had a foot fetish.” The exact wording escapes me.
OP was angered — touch isn’t always sexual. He said that her sexualization of everything was why she was in trouble now.
I couldn’t help but feel put off at her sexualizing the gesture. Intimacy CAN be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. I told her so, and then said, referring to her divorce, “You sexualizing every interaction is why you’re in the situation you are now.” She called me a dick and left the room.
OP can’t tell if he was in the wrong here — so let’s check out how Reddit felt.
I already know it was a little harsh, but I’m unsure if it was tough love or too much.
EDIT: I appreciate everyone’s recommendation, but I do not like the deadbedrooms sub. See my comment here where I elaborate on why.
“NTA. That is weird thing to say to your sibling and thinking every time you touch your partner it has to be for sexual reasons is screwed up. You probably could’ve been nicer but that’s a weird thing to say,” wrote one user.
“Honestly the foot thing sounds like a joke and OP kinda sounds like a tight ass to begin with,” pointed out another Redditor.
Another user nailed it: “Yeah, you are a bit YTA. It really disturbs me that there are people who think that sex isn’t important in a relationship because for a majority of couples, it is a very important aspect. (ETA Because I think a lot of people are misunderstanding me. When I say that sex is important, I don’t mean that it should be THE priority. I mean whether you want little sex, a lot of sex, or no sex at all, sex is still important and important to be discussed beyween partners) If sex is one of her love languages, not being able to express that openly with the person who is supposed to love and support her can be a dessimating rejection.”