Kate Hackett
Would you be friends with someone who snaps like this? I probably wouldn’t! But hey — that’s me.
Let’s take a look at this story posted last week by u/No-Youth-6786, who wanted to know if she was a jerk “for snapping at my friend who keeps ditching me because I now have a child?”
She explains that two years ago, she got pregnant.
Just over two years ago, I(f29) unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara.
And, as happens with adults who have kids, her friends circle changed. Her best friend, however, stayed around.
Over that time my friends circle got considerably smaller but my best friend remained, Mia (f31). Mia doesn’t have kids nor wants kids but she’s been brilliant with Ciara.
OP’s priorities shifted when she had a baby (again: NORMAL) but OP wants Mia around as much as possible.
I’m a SAHM and obviously don’t have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live on the same street (we’re in Manchester, England) and it’s a walking distance between our houses. I’ve told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to (she works from home) but she rarely does.
Her friend has come over less and less and clearly has had a tougher time maintaining her own friendships with other, childless people.
She did at the beginning but it’s been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink but I don’t have the time and always just tell her to come over and we’ll have coffee at my place.
She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend but I said that no but she’s welcome to come over and we’ll have a few drinks at mine. She said she already had plans and it felt weird to drink when she knows there’s a child around.
And now OP feels neglected because Mia doesn’t want to stay in all the time.
Honestly, I feel neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m always available but she rarely comes over and I don’t think that’s fair.
Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she’s 20 again. I felt rejected and horrible, I thought we were best friends but she clearly doesn’t value me when she won’t even have a few drinks with me at my house.
The next time Mia visited, OP was “honest” (she shouted at poor Mia) about feeling left alone.
When she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee to town but I asked her to come over again. She said yes but before she disconnected, I heard her mumble “like always.” This really annoyed me.
When she came over, I decided to be open about everything. And while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she’s an awful friend m, that she barely comes over and if she doesn’t want to spend time with me to just say it and stop playing around.
Mia pointed out that while OP’s values have changed, hers have not and she isn’t ready to play with a kid any time she wants to see her friend.
She said she’s always been accommodating but it’s been 2 years and she doesn’t want to spend time with me when there’s always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language (Mia likes to swear).
She also suggested that OP’s husband take the kid sometimes and that went over like a ton of bricks.
I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities. And she said that Tom (my partner) could take care of Ciara once in a while so I could have a time off.
This felt really intrusive and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle on my marriage.
I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish asshole on her way out.
Mia has not apologized and OP finally started to wonder: is she a jerk?
Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies but she hasn’t done so and I’m starting to wonder was I the asshole or was she? Perhaps I was too harsh and should’ve been more careful with discussing it.
God almighty, yes, you’re a jerk OP.
One user wrote, “YTA. She didn’t ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she’d made plans. She’s not drinking like she’s 20, she’s drinking like someone who doesn’t have a child. PS, she’s right. Your partner can look after your daughter once in a while. And should do, to try and bond with her.”
Another said, “YTA she didn’t ditch you on Saturday. She invited you to come with her and her other friends, meaning she had already committed to going out with other people. If she had come to yours for drinks, she would’ve been ditching her other friends.”
