Kate Hackett
Being a mother has to be one of the toughest jobs out there, especially in a world with completely ridiculous beauty standards. Someone’s mom may have felt bad about herself for years then had a daughter and, entirely unintentionally, projected that insecurity onto that daughter. And the cycle repeats…
Until it doesn’t. Until the daughters realize what happened and do their best to stop the same thing from happening with their children.
u/skeleton-hands recently asked on Reddit:
“Did your mother ever make comments to you in your teenage years that, [when] you’ve grown up, [made you] realize she was bitter and jealous of your youth? How did it stick with you?”
And women opened up about those experiences and how they made the realization that their mom was also an insecure, imperfect person.
1. Thin before she got pregnant
“My mom would regularly remind me that she was thin until she got pregnant with me. She would give me way more food than I could handle and would scream at me if I didn’t eat it all. I was slightly overweight, but she would always tell me I was too thin and that I needed to eat more. I became convinced that she was trying to fatten me up to make herself feel better. I started flushing my dinner down the toilet so she wouldn’t yell at me for not finishing it. Now, I’m approaching my thirties and gaining weight. I’ve been having frequent anxiety attacks because I desperately don’t want to be fat and miserable like she was.” —u/Catnapper_Sakura
2. Always have to be thin
“My mother found some jeans from her twenties, and when I tried them on, she chortled that she had been smaller in her twenties than I was in my teens.” —u/flyingsails
3. Break down the kids, how awful
“My mom straight up told me she was prettier, skinnier, and younger-looking than me when she was my age. She told my red-headed sister that her hair was ugly. (Mind you, my mom was a bottle blonde. Her hair was a mousy brown naturally.) I regularly heard that she passed as ‘under age’ on public transport when she was in her twenties — that she was anorexic (said proudly, by the way) in her teens.” “Even on her deathbed, she was proud of how skinny she was. Due to her illness, it was very important to her to be skinny.” —u/Itsamemario3007
4. More really hurtful stuff from a mom.
“When I was a teenager, my mom made all kinds of hurtful comments about my body that probably lead to my long-term eating disorder — which she would also make jokes about. It’s unclear whether or not she truly realized that I was legitimately struggling. She also always had something to say about my breast size. I’m a DDD, and she was an A cup — I must’ve gotten that from my dad’s side of the family. When I was younger, I felt a lot of shame about my body and sex. As I age, it’s been left in the past, and I can see where her hostility was really coming from.” —u/skeleton-hands
5. Breast size
“I always remember the day my mom — who has an AA cup — asked me, as if she were surprised, ‘Is there padding in that bra?’ I was like, ‘Nope.’ She was in bed, and I was standing above her. She reached out, poked my tit hard, and said, ‘Oh, there’s really not!’ Then, she cupped her own boobs, looked at mine, and said, ‘Well, yours will fall down. Mine will never fall down.'” “I never wear padded bras as I’ve always been around a D–DD cup. My smallest cup was a B when I was in the throes of an eating disorder, but I still never wore padded bras because I don’t like inviting the attention that comes with larger breasts.” —u/AllyuckUfasuck
6. Not a mom, but the aunt, and again: boob size!
“My mom didn’t make too many comments, but my aunt especially did. All the women in my family are flat-chested. Any time I’d have cleavage showing, they’d act like they were getting blinded and tell me to cover up. I’m a C cup, so it’s not like I have monster boobs. At one point, my aunt lost a bunch of weight. She showed us some new ‘makeover’ clothes that she’d bought and said to me, ‘You could never wear this, your boobs are too big,’ like it was an insult. Not long after, she claimed to have magically grown from an A cup to a C cup. It obviously made no sense, but she insisted it was from inhaling air pollutants where she lived. I later discovered she was buying oversized bras and stuffing them with gel pads so she could tell people her boobs had grown. So catty.” —u/[deleted]
7. Pay for a nose job
“My mom always told me that she would help me pay for a nose job if I ever wanted one. I grew up thinking I was so ugly and that my nose ruined my face. I now know that I’m not ugly at all, but my nose is still my biggest insecurity.” —u/iamagiraff3
8. Didn’t have ballet arms (what).
“My mom told me that I didn’t have ‘ballet arms’ when I was six or seven. I quit dancing immediately and have always been self-conscious of my arms. My mom was a ballerina for 15 years. Recently, I learned that when she and her sister were little, a teacher had told her sister that she didn’t have ballet arms. I guess it made my mom feel special to have been chosen, and she wanted to continue to feel special by putting me down.” —u/[deleted]
9. The cruelest Christmas present
“I had acne as a teen. One year, my mom got me a blackhead removal kit as a Christmas gift. I spent a literal hour in the bathroom, mashing my face with these tools. When I came out and asked if it looked better, she responded, ‘No, I can still play connect the dots on your face.’ I went into the bathroom and cried while looking in the mirror before sinking to the floor.” —u/DovahkiinQahnaarin
10. Eyeliner criticism
“My mom has always worn her eye makeup the same way: Heavy lower eyeliner, mascara, and eyeshadow. It doesn’t suit her and makes her eyes look tiny and dark, but it’s what she likes. When I was growing up, we used to get ready in the bathroom together. I kind of learned how to do my makeup by watching her. The only difference was that I avoided eyeliner when I was younger. However, I guess it still wasn’t right because one day, when I was 14, she made a comment about how I was applying my makeup and said that my mascara didn’t look good. It’s such a small comment to make, but I’m nearly 30 now, and I still don’t like doing my makeup around anyone — whether it be my friends, my boyfriend, etc. — because I feel like I’ll be criticized.”
“However, I think the comment was prompted by her noticing that I didn’t use eyeliner, and that teenage me was trying to do something different than what she liked. I say this because, for several years now, she has been complimenting my makeup and asking me to show her how I do it and what products I use, etc.
I think maybe she had wanted to try something different with her makeup but never knew how. As a result, she became defensive because she didn’t know, but I was younger and did. Does that make sense?” —u/elegant_road551
11. Look like a whore, says mom
“My mom told me that I ‘looked like a whore’ when I was 12 and tried mascara on my lower lashes for the first time. She made sure I didn’t really get a grip on makeup until my twenties. She also commented that I looked like ‘a homeless child on the street’ after I chose my own, slightly hippie-style, clothes at a flea market when I was 14. She gave me the impression that I just wasn’t a visual person. It lasted until my twenties.” —u/vili-a
12. Put OP down all the time
“My mother (and others) used to say that I was ugly or make certain comments about me that made me feel ugly. Obviously, I grew up with major self-esteem and confidence issues and hated the way I looked. I still do to a certain extent. However, when looking back at old photos, it’s far from true that I was unattractive. It pains me to think of the many years I spent hiding away from the world because of my anxiety over the way I looked. I am not sure if my mom was actually bitter or jealous. I think she had periods of general unhappiness and discontent with her own life that she took it out on me by putting me down.”
“I never confronted her about her words. We have a better relationship now, even though I still struggle with body dysmorphia.” —u/Metacarpus88
13. She was beautiful, but not anymore
“My mom was very beautiful back in her day and had a super hot bod, but she let herself go quite a bit after her kids. She weighed close to 300 lbs (if not more) when I was growing up. I remember being chubby my whole childhood because she used to overfeed me. She’d also say she was much thinner than I was. When I’d get bullied about my weight, she’d tell me that when she was younger, she would just ignore people and that I should do the same. She also used to manipulate me into wearing certain things by saying that if I wore it, it would help me lose weight — things like sweat pants, for example. It became such a problem that I’ve battled with eating disorders. Even now, as I’m closer to my thirties, she always comments on how fat I’ve gotten or how my clothes look unflattering.” “When I was pregnant, she told me to stop eating ice cream or I would turn into a pig. Needless to say, I avoid her as often as possible.” —u/Consistent-Skirt7290
14. Anorexic gets a “you look so good” comment
“When I was 21, I was depressed because I broke up with my abusive boyfriend who I somehow wanted back. I weighed 99 lbs. My bones showed everywhere. When my parents came to visit, my mom said, ‘You look so good, skinny, and slim like that!’ I told her that I’d barely eat and cry myself to sleep every night. After a few moments of silence, she replied, ‘It’s going to be fine. Just don’t get fat like I did.’ A few months passed, and I’d gained some weight and felt a lot better. When I went home, the first thing my mom said was: ‘Did you put some weight on? Do not get fat, please! Look at your arms, they’re starting to get chubby!’ I was 110 lbs then. I replied, ‘I feel better than how I felt before. I eat regularly and exercise. This is what you tell me?’ She gave me this ugly look and said, ‘If you get any chubbier, no man will look at you. I used to grab men’s attention all the time. It made me feel pretty.'”
“During my depressive episode, I was barely doing stuff for college and barely passing my exams. I used to drink a bottle of wine a night and smoke a pack a day. I was literally sick.
With my mom, it wasn’t necessarily a jealousy type of thing. She was projecting her own insecurities on me, and that bothered me very much. I still think about it every now and then.” —u/uiaana
15. You’re not alone
“I thought I was the only one who experienced this. As a kid, I was always underweight. Around ages 12–13, I gained some weight and ended up on the thinner end of ‘healthy.’ My mother would always make snide remarks about my body — like my butt is too big, and my thighs are too fat. At most, I was average-sized. I feel like this came from her own insecurities, as she was overweight, and my dad would always make degrading comments about her body. It really hurt at the time — I had an eating disorder when I was 10–11 — but I’ve learned to just ignore her now.”
“Her South Asian culture might also have something to do with it.” —u/dumbbitch1234567
16. Mom’s journals were clearly indicating an eating disorder
“My mom kept all her journals from her teen years. She had a very obvious, undiagnosed eating disorder, so these journals mostly contain obsessive measurements of her chest, waist, hips, dress size, and weight. She used to get drunk and weigh me to point out how I was much ‘less hot and healthy’ compared to her. She would also tell me that I was ‘wasting the great genes she gave me’ by not being thin. Big yikes. As you might expect, it created an eating disorder. Later, when I was in college, I got my belly button pierced. My mom then decided to tell me that she would look even better with a belly button piercing if I didn’t make her have an emergency C-section.” “Any young girls reading this: You are so BEAUTIFUL and worth so much more than your weight or bra size. Don’t let anyone make you think that you aren’t.
Fellow moms: Your child really pays attention to how you talk about bodies. Do so gracefully and respectfully, because that’s what you and your child both deserve.” —u/comfycucumber
17. Laughed at a medical problem
“At 16, I was struggling with one of my nipples inverting. I was terrified, and the internet did not help. I confided in my mom, and she asked me to see it. I took my shirt off and showed her, and she laughed in my face — did not help or console me whatsoever. Soon after that, I went to the doctor without her help. Even today, I am self-conscious about my breasts, though I have no reason to be at all. My brain knows it, but I can’t get over what happened. My mom also used to tell me I was a ‘late bloomer.’ Well, my body hasn’t changed since I was a teen. I’m petite with small breasts. Guess I never bloomed. I fucking hate that term.” “Thank goodness I have a supportive partner who tells me my body is beautiful. I’m the shape of a ’90s supermodel, and that should have never been in style.” —u/RankNFile17
18. Thinness, why is it always thinness.
“My mom was 98 lbs when she graduated high school. I was a chunky kid. I had my dad’s genes, and when I was pre-pubescent (around 10), I gained 50 lbs in a year for seemingly no reason. Instead of trying to get to the bottom of what happened, my mother was laser-focused on me losing weight. I was 10 years old and keeping a food journal. My mother monitored everything I put into my mouth. Right after I gained all that weight, she had me try on her wedding dress. She got married at 29. I was 10. It didn’t fit me. I still remember how terrible I felt about it. To this day, she tries to incentivize me to lose weight. I hate shopping with her because, even though she’s gained weight, she is a smaller size than I am — she’s also seven inches shorter. If I find something I like that doesn’t come in my size, she’ll buy it for herself and tell me I can have it when I lose enough weight.” —u/cookiescoop
19. She had horrible body issues
“When I was 12 and in seventh grade, I had this pair of shorts that I loved. They were sparkly and purple. I wore them constantly. However, my mom would often put them on and constantly brag to everybody about how she could fit into my shorts. Mind you, these shorts fit me when I was still child-like. A year later, when I went through a growth spurt and gained 20 lbs, I was insanely insecure that my mom could still fit into the shorts, but I no longer could. Once I couldn’t fit into them anymore, she gleefully took them and continued bragging about how she could. Looking back now at age 31, I realize that my mom had some serious body image issues. I also think she was dealing with an eating disorder at the time.”
“Either way, it was annoying AF, and I hated the feeling that she was competing with me.” —u/MiddlingMe
20. No, we are not both AAs.
“My mom’s probably an AA cup, and any time I’d show any cleavage, it was like the world was coming to an end. When we would go clothes shopping, I was constantly told nothing would fit me because I had ‘no boobs like her.’ At the same time, showing any skin whatsoever was inappropriate. Basically, I only wore loose-fitting shirts until I graduated from high school. My mom also tried to convince me that I, too, was an AA cup. I wore the wrong bra size until I was 18–19. Thankfully, a friend in my first year of university took me bra fitting. Turns out, I’m actually a C cup.” —u/kierchom
