Kate Hackett
Once you reach your 40s and 50s, you’ve likely faced your fair share of life’s up and downs — especially in the dating world.
It’s very hard to know your boundaries and wants or needs when you’re just 20 years old, so u/coffeenodonuts popped on the Ask Women subreddit to get some answers to the question: “Women of Reddit in their 40’s and 50’s, what’s the biggest suggestion you would give to women dating in their 20’s?”
1. Settling
Never settle. Settling is probably one of the biggest mistakes people make, imo. It drains you mentally and physically.
2. It’s okay to be single
Do not ever, under any circumstances, believe that you will never be able to meet someone who can treat you better than whatever shitty dudes you’ve been crying over. Trust me, you will.
Get tested regularly for STIs if you’re sexually active.
Do not ever expect any relationship to be picture perfect. Work is always involved. There just won’t be as much of it with the right person.
You do not have to live up to anyone else’s expectations except your own. Pressure from others is super dumb. You don’t owe your parents grandchildren, nor do you owe your future spouse your “purity” or whatever.
Looks fade eventually. Find a partner that you love for their personality and values. Make sure you’re physically attracted to them as well, but just don’t make it all about that.
It’s totally okay to be single. It really is.
3. No fixes
You can’t fix him, no matter what he tells you. He’s choosing to be that way.
4. Listen
Whatever your gut is telling you now, you will wish you had listened to it.
5. If you’re looking…
If you have to ask “should I” (break up, stay, whatever) you already know the answer
6. Get into arguments
If you aren’t happy, make it clear and deal with the consequences, even if the consequence is the end of the relationship.
Think seriously about your partner’s position and needs, definitely, but also measure how much you are putting in, what you are getting back, and whether you are happy – not fine, but happy – with the difference.
7. Sex
Dick is abundant and of low value
8. A whole list
Renovations of a home are a project. Renovations of a damaged human is best left to the experts.
Once is too much for violence.
Decide when calm what you are willing to do & don’t amend in the moment
Always have a girlfriend with you and never accept an open drink
9. Before it starts
Before you even start a relationship, find out their future expectations. If they don’t match up with yours, walk away.
10. Chase those dreams
You get one life. Chase all of your dreams. Live the life you want and don’t take any shit off of anyone.
And quit falling asleep with your make up on. Wash your face every night and moisturize it.
11. Watch.
Look at the way a man treats women he has no sexual interest in. Misogynists will reveal themselves very early on if you pay attention to this – they may manipulate you into thinking they’re great, but they can’t seem to resist any opportunity to treat women they don’t find fuckable (the old, the fat, their relatives) like they have no value.
12. Probably a cheater
Once a cheater not always a cheater. But once a cheater about 98% will cheat again and it’s probably best to leave.
13. Live your life
Don’t rush to settle down. Live your life. Travel, make friends, enjoy new experiences. Enjoy time on your own. Sure you can travel with kids, but what if life has other plans once you have them?
The one thing I wish I’d done: If your gut doesn’t feel right about him, LEAVE! Your gut is never wrong. Don’t listen to the people telling you to grab him if your gut isn’t feeling it. They aren’t the ones that have to live with him.
14. Be careful
Set a simple boundary and see what they do about it. If they ignore it or make a big deal about it then move on.
Don’t mix money. Keep your bills separate. (My ex removed me as an account holder on my phone and had it disconnected despite the court order AND refused to pay the gas bill for his house when I didn’t live there anymore.)
Don’t make decisions based on your relationship. Need to move to a different city for a job? Do it. Need to travel and he is a home body? Go on your own or with a friend.
15. Live with them
Do not marry or have kids until living solely with your partner for 2 years minimum. There is a lot you will learn about them in that time, and it may not be what you like.
16. Listen to your friends
Listen to your friends. If they don’t like him, there is usually a good reason. Also, if you ever have to say ‘he’s not always like this’ or he’s just having a bad night’ if you have to make excuses then that’s a red flag. I’m actually making a book of red flags for my daughter to take to college.
17. Figure out what YOU want
You need to figure out exactly what YOU want in a relationship before you can find someone able to provide that. Also, my husband told me early on that most men aren’t trying to hurt you. They want to please you but are often idiots about how to do so. Before getting angry at him for not meeting your needs or expectations, make sure you have explicitly told him that these are things you want. Even if we’d like them to, men can’t read our minds. Give him the tools for success.
18. On the flip side….
And if you have explicitly told them what your needs are in a relationship and they still can’t do it or don’t want to then you either need to leave or compromise. Never settle for potential.
19. Don’t change
Keep your friends close. don’t disappear when you get into a relationship. do the work to maintain those ties. Keep up with your family obligations. If the prospective partner doesn’t like the things that make you you, they’re not the one. Don’t try to change your fundamental self for anyone.
20. Be a person
Be a fully formed adult on your own before getting hitched. Live alone for a time, become financially independent.
Do not go straight from your parents to your husband, even if you marry your college boyfriend.
