Kate Hackett
We all know “FWB” (friends with benefits) can end in terrible hurt feelings… and yet. We do it. So: why?!
I assume that’s what was going through u/ExoCraft5000‘s mind when they posed the question on the AskReddit sub:
“Those of you who have sex with your friends, why?”
And it’s a pretty good question; I know I’ve asked myself WHY am I putting myself through this many a time! So let’s check out some of the best replies.
1. Car wreck
I had a car wreck and I was stranded at his house.
2. Awww
I mean she married me so we decided to just keep at it
3. This is how it starts
They usually are friends before they are boyfriends.
4. Low stakes
I’m divorced and started having sex with a old co worker/friend. It’s just one of those things like Yo, you horny? Me too…let’s fuck….. We talk about life and such with no real worries of commitment.
5. A good run
Used to sleep with this dude who sat behind me in class in high school. Casual sex on and off until mid-20s when we married other people. By late 30s we were divorced and at it again.
I got remarried at 39 so I think our banging will be limited to our teens, 20s, and 30s. We had a good run. When we’re in relationships with other people we cut contact.
6. Sad
She’s sad I’m sad. When our bits do the thing we aren’t sad. So it works
7. Why not
Because I don’t like sex with strangers. My friends are cute also so why not
8. It worked
I used to have the most perfect friend with benefits. We both knew the deal, we both called each other up in the middle of the night, and we both kept it a secret for years. It was a completely equal arrangement, and it never hurt our friendship in any way. She was completely cool with no monogamy implied, and we even told each other when we hooked up with someone else. We promised to always be there for the other until one of us got married. Not one fight, not one argument, pretty much impossibly perfect.
Sometimes we would end up at the same club or party, and we were completely platonic in public in front of other people. Some of them were even mutual friends. At the end of the night, we could give each other a look to basically let the other know the deal. It was subtle and almost nothing at all. She would go home, change out of her club clothes, and drive over.
If you’re wondering why we didn’t eventually fall in love, I think we both saw attraction, but not affection, in each other. I’m sure most of you have had a similar feeling. Attraction doesn’t equal affection, and when people take the time to be honest and up front, it can be a nice safety net to always have a way to be comfortably intimate with someone you trust, and keep your confidence up while dating and/or being a single guy/girl.
It stopped years ago, but it ended with very little formality. I knew she settled down, and I moved away.
9. It’s fun
And it’s easy. I get lots of the benefits of a relationship without the overall time commitment of a relationship. I get great sex, with someone I like and respect, I get to give great sex, and it works for both of us. We can cook, watch a movie, fuck each other, relieve stress, have a laugh, and go home and not worry about being a ‘partner’ to that person emotionally or supporting them through every facet of their lives.
If you don’t have the time or headspace or desire for the full-on commitment of sharing your life with someone, it’s a fucking fantastic option.
10. Just did
It was one of those things I did to experiment in my early 20s. It didn’t ruin our relationship per say, she just ended up moving away when she got married. I’ve seen her a couple times when she’s visited and we pick right up where we left off (conversation-wise).
11. We didn’t.
Got really close to having sex with my good friend in college (I had been friends with her since pre school) and we both sat there and talked about what it could do to our friendship. In the end we both hugged it out and instead made one of those “if we aren’t married by 40 pacts” well my wife and I went to her wedding last year, and I am still really glad we never did the deed although I only talk to her a couple times a year these days.
12. Booze
She was a high school crush. We ended up hooking up 12 years later drunk on NYE. It was great! If you handle the next day in a mature way, it won’t be awkward
13. Just wanted to do it
I was a stupid hormonal kid and didn’t know what it was like, and it felt safer to do it with a friend I was close with rather than devoting so much time and effort for a relationship only for that experience.
14. Works!
I had sex with a very close friend of mine. I thought it would make things weird at first but it didn’t. She’s still my best friend and also my wife.
15. This one hurts
I had a long term friend with benefits. Was never just a fuck, it was warm, loving, lovemaking. We loved each other but never got beyond that. We both married the wrong people and both eventually were divorced. We talked about coupling up but didn’t want to just do it out of need or loneliness so we procrastinated. Then she got sick and died. I proposed to her when she told me she was sick but she turned me down. I’ll always miss her.
16. Just happens
Sometimes it just kind of happens. Sometimes it turns out well. Sometimes it turns out badly. Sometimes it’s somehow both. I always say I’ll stop doing it because the risk is too high, but then it happens again.
I try to keep my escapades to outskirts friends. Friends who aren’t part of the inner circle. The inner circle is sacred.
17. Threw myself
Oof, depressing answer, but at a young age my mom regularly told me that nobody would every care about me or give a shit about me. She never showed affection.
Then one day some guys online started sending me unwanted dick pics and I mistook it for affection and a sense of belonging. Up until I was 18/19 I kinda just threw myself at everyone I knew, including my friends. It caused me a lot of shitty experiences but also a lot of really cool friendships with really nice and respectful people who were really fun to fuck around with.
Anyways, I haven’t had sex with friends in over a year and a half because I’m currently in a relationship. Wouldn’t change anything of my past though, having people who were friends with benefits really taught me a lot about myself 🙂
18. We just act
I’m gay and often the lines get blurred and we talk about it and there’s a crush so we act on it. Some lovers are just friends these days and some friends are also lovers. Love is everywhere in my life. I don’t cage it.
19. Works for us
TLDNR: I am sleeping with my best friend. We both don’t have romantic feelings for the other, but have a platonic love that stems from a 10 year friendship. It’s temporary we both know and are okay with, and it’s great for right now.
So I am currently sleeping with one of my best friends. I’ve known her for over 10 years. We were great friends in our 20s, and while she admits now that she had a crush on me, I always saw her as a friend and I was always in committed relationships and our life-styles were not aligned (she was from a very religious home) so it never crossed my mind.
Cut to 2 years ago, we both went through major break-ups around the same time. My fiancée who I was with for 8 years left me unexpectedly, she developed feelings for someone else, and my friend went through a divorce because her husband had a crisis of faith. My friend was at my engagement party, and I was at her wedding. That’s how close friends we were.
My friend and I became close again after our relationships fell apart, as friends and only friends, hanging out regularly and being support for each other.
I started sleeping on her couch on the weekends as she started having her own crisis of faith, and I was an understanding friend who wasn’t trying to use her vulnerability as an “in”, she tends to see the best in people, and therefore gets approached by a LOT of scumbags imho.
So, it sort of just happened one night while I was sleeping on her couch, she asked me to cuddle her in her bed, and started kissing me, and stuff happened. We talked about it at length afterwards and neither of us have romantic feelings for the other, but we are both single in our 30s and consider the other attractive. I am focusing on rebuilding my career as I kind of let a lot of things slide after my break-up and fell into a deep depression, and she is supportive. I am helping her grow her confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth as her father, and then her husband, were not… shall we say… progressive when it came to women and equality.
We’re still sleeping together at least once a week, but hang out at least 2-3 days a week. She really is just a friend with benefits to me, and I to her. She has talked about dating it doesn’t bother me. I have no jealousy, no possessive feelings, and seriously want the best for her. We love each other as close friends do, but neither of us is romantically attached or anything.
It’s a temporary situation where we are literally friends, with occasional benefits while focusing on our own goals. I never would have thought I’d not be attached to someone I sleep with occasionally, but I’m not in my 20s anymore. I’ve done the whole college sweetheart madly in love thing, I’ve done the find a house and build a life together thing with my ex-fiancée, and what I’m looking for now is to build myself a life that doesn’t revolve around the woman in my life. If love happens again I’m open to it, but right now I’m trying to grow on my own and become more well-rounded and identify what I want for the next chapter of my life.
It’s honestly, a great situation. I am loved, I am supported, I get to have sex with someone I trust, and I am not attached or jealous. It’s a great temporary situation.
Roast me if you want, but it works for me, works for her, and when either of us find someone we’d like to explore or develop romantic feelings for it will stop before dating starts… and that’s fine by me. We aren’t assholes, we want to give the other a chance to have a real relationship while being fair to the other party. We have our independence and are focusing on our next stage in our 30s. Do what works for you.
20. Fun!
Used to fornicate with my flatmate in my 20s, it was great fun. We carried on hooking up regularly for ~7/8 years whenever we were both single (me more often than her). I feel like we both got pretty good at fucking the shit out of each other, and our future partners have benefited!
