The subreddit r/TIFU is a weird place. It’s supposed to be where people share stories about making a mistake. TIFU stands for “Today I F—ked Up.” Sometimes the stories are about people actually messing their lives up in a serious way, sometimes they’re even asking for advice, but most of the stories I have run into lately are about shaving some part of your body and regretting it. This tale today from u/ThrowawayBushyBeard is on trend. It’s titled, “TIFU by shaving my crotch.”
He says the whole thing went down about a half-hour earlier and he’s so embarrassed he had to tell Reddit about it. He is quarantining at home with his parents, and his personal grooming has been slacking. I completely understand, unfortunately.
He writes, “I’ve been getting lazy. So much so, I’ve let the ol’ shrubbery around the Mighty Oak get a little out of control. My Hot Fuzz was more than fuzz and certainly not hot.” That’s when he made the bad decision:
That all ended today, I decided. It was time to get out of my funk. New month new me right? And what better way than starting with giving my junk a spa day?
So I hopped into the shower, got things nice and hot, busted out conditioner (read on here it is way better for clearcutting the ol’ netherlands, if you will) and went to town.
Now, kind Redditors, you may be thinking “Aha! This is a tale as old as time! He gon’ give himself a Robin Hood.” (you know, where you cut your own coinpurse open?)
But not today, my friends. No, today my Penn was victorious against Gillette, and I stepped from the steamy mists of my shower smoother than a marble statue of Luther Vandross covered in baby oil.
He got dressed and went downstairs, where he ran into his poor, innocent mom, who still thinks her baby leaves his “Penn” and the surrounding areas alone:
“Throwaway…What on Earth is on your face?”
Now, I’m clean shaven. So, unsure, I reached up, and pulled a clump of my Man-azon Rainforest off my cheek.
I f—king wiped MY OWN PUBES ONTO MY FACE AND DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT.
The bathroom mirror was so steamy I didn’t even bother to check my fucking face ahhhhh f—k even typing this out is traumatizing.
Serves me right I guess; my dad came into my room and started giving me sh—t, calling me Teen Wolf.
God f—king damnit. Guess I’m self isolating in my room for the next foreseeable future.
This story might be completely made up so the OP could share all of his euphemisms for genitalia, but that’s okay. People still seemed to enjoy it:
If there’s one thing to learn from TIFU is that if you’re considering shaving something—don’t.