Kate Hackett
Let’s be real a second.
Have you ever taken to google at 3 in the morning to frantically wonder “how often do couples have sex” or did I just overshare?
I’m relatively sure you’ve done it. I’ve done it. We’ve ALL done it. Because sometimes we wonder — well, crap, is this just a little dry spell? Can we pull out of this (PUN SO INTENDED)? Or is it something far more serious?
We’ve gathered some of the best responses to a recent BuzzFeed Community inquiry about “How often do you have sex with your partner(s) — and why does that work for your relationship?” so you can panic-Google no more!
1. Our intimacy needs differ
“I’ve been with my husband for almost a decade and married for almost eight of those years. I came into the relationship with quite a bit of baggage: I have chronic poor health that continues to go downhill. When we first got together, we would have sex a couple times a day or whatever I was able to do that day. My husband and I have gone months without having sex — menopause has been a contributing factor. We go through dry spells. This time last year, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me several times. I’m still trying to work through that. Lately, once a month is our norm and even then it doesn’t really happen or get to the end. I am rarely ever in the mood and don’t want to be touched. There will be times that we don’t kiss for days. My husband does get frustrated because he desires to be intimate and often, I turn him down. I do try to hold his hand when it’s possible because, for me, it’s more of a turn-on than kissing.” —sondergeldfamilyjtm
2. Maybe twice
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 years,and we have a strong relationship. Our first few years when the relationship was fresh, we always had a very active sex life. Now in our later years, it’s maybe twice on weekends when we’re in the mood. With our working schedules, we’re both just content most days to just lie on the couch, cuddle, kiss, talk about our days, and fall asleep.” —erzascarletisbestgirl
3. Love > Sex
“My husband and I have been together for 17 years. He works away for two weeks on and two weeks at home. Obviously, we don’t have sex when he’s away, but when he’s home, it’s maybe one time every two weeks. I’m on some pretty strong medication and have endometriosis, so my libido is pretty low and it doesn’t help that he’s away a lot of the time. But he’s my best friend. We’re very affectionate and love each other unconditionally. That’s far more important to us than sex.” —gillianbrown
4. Once a week
“We have sex once a week, but I’d like it to be more often. 17 years together. We have a 16-year-old and an 11-year-old, and a house with paper-thin walls. The only opportunity we can have sex is when we’re both on our day off and the kids are in school. So basically, that number goes to zero during the summer holidays and during half-term.” —jennie344
5. Gray-Ace
“I’ve been with my partner for 2½ years. I am a gray-ace, and he has what is considered a ‘normal sex drive’ as well as a fetish he enjoys. I have been up front with him from the start about being gray. I have absolutely no sexual attraction to him but do enjoy sex to a certain extent a couple of times a month — mostly for the touch. I also enjoy giving him pleasure and watching him take that pleasure. It works for us because we communicate our needs openly. We have both been married before to partners who didn’t accept, or want to talk about sexuality.” “Right now, we are both in the safest relationships each has ever had, and I can say I am happier in this one than I have ever been. Communication about needs is key.” —burninating_burninator
6. It changes
“My husband and I have been together for 15 years and it’s varied. After being together for so long, the frequency has changed. Used to be twice a week, but then it dropped to once every couple months or once a month. However, it’s recently changed to once a week. We also have a 6-year-old and my husband works long hours, so both can play a factor. It’s not my ideal type of sex life since I love it, but I also try to be understanding to the fact my husband is really worn out from his work schedule — so we still try to spend time together even if it doesn’t mean more sex.” —joycemangold
7. Once a week or so
“We have sex once every week or two. We’ve been together for six years and love each other immensely. We ideally would both love to have sex waaaaaaay more often. But with work, stress, random physical issues (i.e. post-COVID, his frequent headaches and occasional migraines have turned into monthslong migraines), and living with his dad, anything more is just not super feasible. I’m glad we connect when we do, even if we both wish it were more frequent.” —Anonymous
8. Never
“Never. We’re long distance and never met in real life, but it’s been a few years now. Hopefully, soon, we’ll be together properly, and it’ll be a lot more frequent.” —lgbtqenby
9. Every few months
“We’ve been married for seven years. We have a 5-year-old and 2-year-old. We both work full-time from home now, so we’re together ALL THE TIME! I’ve been on antidepressants for a few years, and it really made my sex drive take a dive. My hubby is five years older than me, and his sex drive is dropping anyway. We have sex every couple months and are both happy with that arrangement.” —mabd
10. A former sex worker
“When I met my partner, I was a full-service sex worker. We met at my ‘real’ job. He knew what I did (it’s never been a secret), and when we started dating, I happily quit that work. My partner has had less than five sexual partners. I’m probably close to four digits. I went from having sex multiple times a day to maybe twice a week. It’s a year into our relationship. We live together and this is my first monogamous relationship in years. The sex is shorter and way more vanilla than anything I’d reach for before I met my partner — yet it’s the best sex of my life. I’m all about sex as nothing more than a physical release but the intimacy and emotional chemistry make this entirely different.” “Sometimes I miss doing wild shit with people so hot they just have sex written all over them every night of the week. But now that I have a taste of what two people with emotional chemistry can do with a little time…I’m hooked.” —Anonymous
11. Asexual
“We are both asexual. Although there are asexual people who do have sex, we have preferred to excite the other and masturbate separately. It’s very exciting.” —Anonymous
12. A few times a year
“We’re recently married and have been together for three years. (Woman-loving-woman; same-sex couple). Due to the trauma of being molested as a child, plus some other stuff, we have sex maybe once every three to four months, so a couple of times a year. I still suffer from physical pain from any kind of penetration, and there are still times I feel too vulnerable. I still have a libido, and masturbate maybe twice a week or so? Even though I feel completely safe with my current partner, I need to be in a really good place mentally to have sex, and it’s really easy to be triggered. What helps is my wife knowing what all my triggers are and avoiding them like the plague.” “The best things I can do to want to have sex is by making sure my mental health is good, and I’m feeling good — and that my wife and I are in a good place and haven’t argued recently or anything like that in addition to not being distracted with work or stuff. And those conditions are only met every so often, but when I’m not in a good place, I have no desire for sex. I’ve told my wife I am more than happy for her to have sex with other people so long as she tells me about it.” —antisocialachromatic
13. We had to transition to monogamy
“Before I met my partner/now-husband of nine years, I was an OVERLY sexual person with men, women, and group sex multiple times a week. When I met my partner, the transition to monogamous sex was hard, but we were very dedicated to each other’s mutual pleasure, so we remained consistent and were content. Now, I’ve been living in his (non-English speaking) country and have been the headteacher of an international preschool/kindergarten for five years, and we maybe have sex 10–20 times a year. I am so exhausted all the time that I can barely stay awake through dinner, let alone want to have sex after or even on the weekends.”
“I feel like I have forgotten who I am sexually and it makes me feel broken. I know he wants it more, but this is the only way I can make money here, so I don’t know how to get back in touch with that side of myself.” —lhyland624
14. Swings and bursts
“When we have sex, we get into the swing of it and usually have it every day for like four or so days but then might not have it again for a few weeks. It comes in swings and roundabouts.” —abbyrose1
15. Few times a month
“We have sex a couple of times a month. My husband is on medication for bipolar disorder, and that’s the most he can manage right now.” —Anonymous
16. No spark
“We have sex once every few months. It’s straining on us often, but life is freaking hard, man. We’ve been married for almost six years now. I miss the spark and spontaneity from the early years — but we’re both so damn tired every day. Sex just takes a backseat. It sucks.” —Anonymous
17. Faded
“I’m married and have been with my husband for 20 years. The first couple years of dating, we had sex weekly (we didn’t live together) — but now, it’s a couple of times a year. My spouse takes medication that impacts his libido and we’ve gone as long as 16 months without having sex. I’m not happy with this situation because sex, to me, is as much about love and emotional connection as it is about the physical act — but I love my husband and don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“I do sometimes wish that he would ‘fake it’ and be amorous even when he isn’t in the mood but he doesn’t. Maybe I am glad he doesn’t ‘fake it.’ I don’t know. I just miss the connection. It’s like we’re roommates rather than a married couple.” —Anonymous
18. Shift work makes it hard
“My husband and I have been married nine years and together for 12. We both do shift work and have two kids, which makes scheduling sex hard. Working as a nurse through COVID has killed my libido because of the stress, grief, fatigue, etc. We are down to once a month (or even less), but we still try to find ways to connect through other forms of intimacy (i.e. lots of cuddles, back rubs, etc.)” —Anonymous
19. A lot!
“My partner (22M) and I (25F) have sex as much as we can. We are both magnetically attracted to one another and have worked on building good communication and trust in our relationship. We also openly talk about our kinks, things we want to try, and things that don’t work for us. As a result, we generally have penetrative sex at least once per day when we’re able to spend time together; sometimes more. But there are times when we have sex for so long or so frequently that we have to stop in order to recover! If that’s the case, we always find other ways of being intimate with one another that don’t include penetrative sex. I wouldn’t have it any other way; I’ve found my person.” —Anonymous
20. Not enough
“We’ve been married for 15+ years, together for 20+. My wife has very little interest in sex, so we only have sex a couple of times per year. Currently, it’s been about seven months since we last had sex. I have a much higher sex drive, so I just take care of myself a few times per week. It’s an unfortunate and disappointing situation, but it is what it is. I’ve gotten used to it after so many years, but it’s frustrating to feel so unfulfilled.” —joeh4e97472b8
