A viral Reddit thread from u/snoopfrog5 really drives that point home. Divorce is hard! The Redditor asked:
“Divorce lawyers of reddit, what are some of your most memorable cases?”
“I imagine that divorcing couples are capable of putting each other through some sh-t, and I’m interested what kind of stories their lawyers are left with,” they continued.
Check out some of the best answers below.
1. Two glasses and a pitchfork
20+ year divorce lawyer here. I’ve seen it all.
I once represented a husband divorcing his wife of 35+ years. They were in their late 60s. At mediation they divided up about a half million in assets within 30 minutes. Then they spent 2.5 hours fighting over 2 hurricane glasses from Pat O’Brien’s and a pitchfork.
Mediator: “She really wants that pitchfork. It was a gift from her daddy.” Husband: “That…B***H! We bought it at Home Depot two years ago!” …and etc.
They settled at mediation after spending over $1,000 in attorney fees combined for the glasses and pitchfork.
They remarried 3 months later.
2. Poor kids
Colleague handled a case where money was not an issue but the kids were—neither parent wanted them.
3. Pokemon Go
One of our clients thought his wife was having an affair. She would actually just go driving around for hours of the night playing Pokémon Go.
They still got divorced.
4. The cat
Paralegal. A couple got divorced over a cat. Wife called cat Snowball because of white fur and only wanted the cat to eat wet food or chicken breast. Husband called cat Lily again because of white fur and believed it should only eat dry food. These two argued for a year over custody of the cat but did not give a s**t about their human kids aged 15 months, 4 years, and 6 years old.
5. Another language to talk shit about the spouse
Friend of mine divorced his then wife because she would only speak French when her family would come over. She was Spanish, as was her family….
To add, her family spoke English, French and Spanish, he could only speak Spanish and English, she got bored of being married to him, her family basically talked s**t about him whilst he was there, was only when he recorded a conversation whilst they where there and got it translated he found out what was going on.
6. Fat dog
I worked as a paralegal for a divorce lawyer. Case analysis was one of my main responsibilities.
I s**t you not.
A recently married couple (of 2 years) broke it off because the husband would not stop feeding the dog. The dog got outrageously fat.
Apparently she saw connection between the dog and future children
Had a husband and wife go toe to toe over an ashtray they got in Vegas at some point (neither smoked strangely enough). Spent nearly $5,000 for me an another attorney to duke it out in court over the silly thing. Prior to proceeding, I explained what the cost would be for to argue over something silly like this and that he could give me $2,500 and I would fly to Vegas for the weekend and get him an identical one instead. He said he didn’t care about the costs because he intended to smash it on the courthouse steps in front of her if we won. We won and he followed through with the smashing. He laughed and said the look on her face was worth much more than $2,500. People get crazy in divorce proceedings!
8. No, mom
Not me, but a friend my mum has divorced her husband because his mother still coddled him at age 40, with his consent. They lived with his mother (common in Asia).
By coddle I mean that she would walk straight into their room after his shower and powder his back for him.
They couldn’t lock their bedroom door because his mother would come in as and when she wanted. If they locked the door, she would knock repeatedly asking what they were doing.
Lol what would they be possibly doing??? Playing poker???
Took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. Estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to a Costco/Sam’s Club sized jar of peanut butter. (Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!)
10. New Girl
A 46-year marriage ended because his old high school girlfriend was single again. I later learned that the guy married the old girlfriend the same day his divorce was finalized
11. What an ass
Had a client whose soon-to-be-ex-husband used her email address and phone number to sign her up for every bank, loan, religious, mental illness site he could think of. She was bombarded by people contacting her about her interest in their product/services.
He even put out ads for sex partners on Craigslist with her information. The kicker is that she actually went out with a guy who contacted her!
If I learned anything being a divorce attorney (I no longer practice), it was that if the opposing party sounded like a nutcase, I would soon see the nutcase come out of my own client. Normal people don’t just accidentally marry crazies (not often)!
12. That’s adultery…
On the day of a divorce trial involving adultery grounds, the opposing counsel produces photos of my client (the husband) wearing lingerie and a long brown wig. In the photo, he’s blowing another dude.
I successfully exclude this from evidence on the grounds of relevance because the wife was the photographer.
13. Oh no, those aren’t scorch marks.
I was involved in a case where a lady was pursuing a case for ‘unreasonable behavior.’ Her then-husband would stand at the foot of the bed, drop his pants, then bend over to step out of them, sit on the bed, then slide up when going to bed. She had noticed that after a couple of days, brown streaks would appear.
When she showed her husband ‘the evidence,’ he stated, ‘Those are scorch marks from ironing!’ She proceeded to remove said scorch marks with a damp cloth, saying, ‘Scorch marks do not wipe off!’ This brought some laughter in the court, especially when the gentleman admitted that he used only a small amount of toilet paper because his ‘poo was always hard and never runny
We once had a case where the husband and wife decided to start having a threesome with their friend. Then they both fell in love with her and started sleeping with her separately behind each other’s backs.
“The whole thing blew up when the husband got her pregnant.”
Wife wanted to divorce husband because he kept taking their dogs for walks while she was at work, making it (unintentionally) so they’d rather cuddle the husband instead of her after a long day.
16. Poor snoop
My client had a son named Snoop Frog and neither parent wanted custody.
17. Fuckin weirdo
I knew a guy from a high school job who divorced his wife of 2 months because she would sleep with a nightlight but he could only sleep in total darkness, as they apparently never lived together until after getting married. He hated her nightlight so much that he would often sleep on the couch instead, but sometimes he would claim the bed for himself and lock her out of the bedroom for the night.
This was an eccentric late 40s man working at a burger king who acted like all the other high school coworkers were his best chums, and often told us these weird stories. I’m glad I don’t work with him anymore.
18. Gambling debt
One client filed for divorce because he owed his bookie $70,000. He didn’t want to leave his wife but he figured he would get half the house in the divorce, which was worth $700,000 and pay his debts. He had already blew through their life savings gambling. He was the worst guy.
19. Two things
My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for 2 reasons:
He did not have enough hair on his chest.
He did not drive fast enough.
Keep in mind this was in the 70’s when chest hair was a bit more important.
20. Oh F that guy
My mom is a family law lawyer, and she told me that a man divorced his wife after she broke her jaw in a car accident because she could no longer give head.