I mean, I can’t fathom how this guy is NOT the asshole, but he asked, so we’ll give it a review. But that title alone from u/redditthrowaway121 screams “wtf is wrong with you.”
OP begins by explaining they’ve been married 8 years, no kids, good jobs, and he is a bit lost. He loves his wife and lists several ways he tries to make sure she knows it.
Been married 8 years. 31 years old. No kids
Wife and I both have great jobs. No plans for kids.
I need to know what people think of this scenario.
But his wife will not have sex with him; at most, they get it on once a month. She hasn’t explained her low sex drive — just waves it off.
Let me first say I literally worship the ground my wife walks on. I’m obsessed with her and she knows it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I’m always trying to show affection in any way I can to let her know how much I care about her. I’m constantly making her dinner (almost daily even though I work), taking her on SURPRISE vacations to tropical places (her fav type), and just always trying to make sure she has anything she could ever want or need.
Wife will not put out. At all. I’m talking once a month IF I’M LUCKY. And I have to beg for it. I’ve tried asking her why and she just says she doesn’t want to or doesn’t care.
This guy has tried suggesting coaches, therapists, anything that might help explain the low drive, but she won’t do it.
I’ve asked her to visit relationship coaches/therapists with me that could maybe help us with this issue, maybe talk through why she doesn’t have any sex drive. She will not do it. Whenever I bring it up she just gets mad and says I need to just deal with it.
Understandably, OP is starting to lose his confidence. His wife’s jokes don’t help, then he follows that up with “I’m a man, I have needs.”
I don’t feel desired or attracted to at all. It never used to be this way. She jokes that “Well i’m not trying to impress you anymore, we are already married” but I don’t find it funny.
As a male I have needs. I’ve told her if she doesn’t put out I will just go get it somewhere else. I can’t help but feel like an asshole for that, but I don’t want to be in a sexless relationship.
And he tells her that if she won’t “put out,” he’ll go elsewhere.
And for those who think I’m the asshole…please help! I genuinely mean that. I Need advice!!
He also explains that she’s on birth control and they both work out.
To answer some FAQs: She’s on birth control, she’s in great shape though. We both are. I go to the gym 5-6 days per week. I’m not bodybuilder but I’m healthy and tone. She runs a lot so she’s in great shape as well.
The last comment, he says, was kind of born of frustration. He also thinks she is not cheating.
Before I told her “i’ll get it somewhere else” i have expressed my concerns to her several times to no avail. It’s like she doesn’t care what I have to say. I’ve tried wording it different ways, expressing it in loving ways, frustrating ways, depressing ways. (It really is depressing sometimes). I’ve told her it literally breaks my heart that she won’t be intimate with me. Also, it’s not just that. She will barely hug or kiss me either.
She’s not cheating. 100% positive on that. It’s just not who she is. Shes not on anti-depressants of any kind Stress from her job isn’t a factor, she doesn’t take her work home with her and she loves her job. She has a great work/life balance
So what do you think? I think I agree with Reddit’s verdict that everybody sucks.
Another person wrote, “ESH – Honestly thought you were the asshole until I read all the way down. She doesn’t owe you sex because you’re a good husband, but that little joke really bothers me. Like saying “I’ve already got you, so I don’t have to put effort into keeping you.” I see that a lot with older married couples and it causes relationships to crumble. Still gonna have to say everyone sucks because threatening your spouse with cheating is just really shitty.”
“NAH. Like others have suggested, sit her down and absolutely stress that this will end your marriage. Therapy seems like a good start, if she agrees. Divorce seems like a good start if she doesn’t. Sorry, man. Good luck,” wrote in a reader.